I wanted to post something different this time not as a form of self-depreciation but as a message of encouragement: no matter how bad things can get, we have all seen worse and survived to tell the tale. Epic failure is only a stepping stone to an epic success.

So without further ado, I'll share mine first...

The Switcharoo

I open a set with a HB7 and three guys, straight-up direct approach. The HB7 was on my left. I go into a canned routine, but the girl was the only one listening despite my attempts to include the whole set. I ask the innocuous question, how do you know everyone? Then as we are talking about angry birds, she gets up and was replaced by some hipster looking dude. For the next five minutes, he awkwardly stammers over a long line of questioning, anywhere from "who do you know" and "are you gay?". I finally had to pull the real question out of him: "why are you hitting on so-and-so's girlfriend?" After telling him that she happened to be the only one listening and that we were just discussing angry birds, the guys opened up a little more. So I shook hands with them and ejected about five minutes later.

Tag Team Bitches

I walk over to a set with two women and use the "who cheats more" routine. They call me out on it, asking to talk to my "friends" who I was discussing this with. They immediately specify that they are married. All the sudden, the streak of lady-player seemed to come out of both of them. They start playing with my dog tags and ask me a whole bunch of questions. Once one of them starts discussing their cousin in the Marine Corps, I add my two cents by adding a harmless prolonged "and" before making a statement. I obviously didn't get to finish what I was saying before the same woman took it the wrong way (she was plastered) and threatened to kick my ass. The other one pulled me aside and told me that it was best that I leave, then shooed me away.

One of a Kind

I open a mixed two-set by using the doppleganger routine. As she offers her hand, I accept and she pulls me in and says "you're wrong, there's nobody in the world that's like me". Her breath was atrocious. I literally chunk a deuce and walk away, yet I was a glutton for punishment that night (come to think of it, I don't know why I did it). I approach again with a "you again" sort of statement and I take a seat next to her. She says "you know, a lot of men have tried that shit on me before. You're not the first". I retort "how do you know I'm running some game on you? I'm just trying to make friendly conversation." Then, she says "the difference between you and I is that at least I'm successful when I flirt." I was burned chicken at that point and I left.

As you can tell from these examples that I was finished with canned material and routines. So, share them if you dare.