Can't seem to alpha up

Enphuego · 2014-02-28T23:03:30+00:00

Think about it from game theory. You are basically two players to a game where you have an option to play the "nice" card or the "mean" card in reaction to what has happened in the past. The winning strategy to this game is to play the nice card if you start the round and then continue to play the nice card so long as your partner does the same. If your partner plays the mean card, you return the favor, penalizing their behavior.

It seems like your girlfriend played the nice card when she mentioned her pedicure, then you played an obvious mean card. I suppose that she could have been implying that you ought to pay for it, which would be mean with plausible deniability, but you could have replied similarly "Yes, your feet aren't looking so great." It seems to me that it was just an instance of her talking for the sake of talking so you could have just lead the conversation in a different direction.

So her response to you was textbook - she played a nice card, you played a mean one and you got a mean card right back. Since you led with the mean card, I'm not really seeing how this particular instance is her fault.

his is just one example of the frequent snappy outbursts she has against me.

That worries me a bit, because it implies that she's playing the mean card on you when you haven't done anything and that's an issue. The solution is to play a mean card right back and stop the game for a while if it gets into a streak of mean cards (aka: an argument).

If you lose your temper you've effectively lost if it was a shit test. Play your mean card without being angry about it - a disinterested but firm tone. I can't give you an example, because you were being patronizing about her pedicure so you essentially just got called out on your own behavior. If you've got some other example, I could come up with what I'd say in that situation.

tangman · 2014-03-01T01:27:10+00:00

I would recommend taking a deep breath, and stop treating conversations as a power struggle. Chill out. Then you won't "freeze" so much. The weak struggle for control because they don't have it. The strong just stand their ground, unshakable.

Just stand by your opinion. Was that a real opinion or were you just trying to say anything to make fun of her? Have real opinions, stand by them.

If you snap back at her, get defensive or angry, or demand that she stop saying such remarks, that reveals your weakness to her words. You don't have to "take charge" over her, you only have to be in charge of yourself. She will change on her own when her bitching no longer produces the desired result.

mrust · 2014-03-01T01:55:49+00:00

First, you picked a fight where it wasn't necessary.

You are trying to use logic (separating needs and wants) but she is operating on emotions (a pedicure would fulfill the emptiness inside me).

Your response was neither cocky (building yourself up) nor funny. That is what killed the mood. You could have used "Yeah, you're right it's important that you look good for me" either as the initial argument or in the recovery. This frames her actions as trying to please you.

It would be 10x worse if you apologized or asked her what's wrong, or tried to negotiate, or showered her with gifts/affection. Sounds like you are not doing that so you have a solid foundation. Right?

If you want to tease her, you need to do push-pull more effectively. That means say something nice then change your mind, then go in another direction. You don't have to wait for her to respond. You are saying these things because they amuse you. Avoid logic.

In the bigger picture, it sounds like she wants to be the man in the relationship. If she is snapping at you, taking digs, and wants to be in charge then the relationship will honestly be harder to recover than just going out to find a new girl.

Ok, I will give you one tactic you can use in the future:

Don't patronize me!

Do I look gay to you?

What? / Huh? / Yes / No

Do I look gay?

What are you talking about?

I must look gay. Is it my gay hair? Did I develop a gay lisp?

...

[keep going with this until you run out of agree/amplify shit to say]

...

Well, I have to tell you that you are very confused because I am not gay, but you are acting like a man and it's not attractive to me.

Bang, the hamster has spun out of its wheel. Now any time she patronizes you over text, just send back a "gay" response. She snaps at you just say "gay" and walk away.

You may have to slightly adapt the responses but the structure should remain. The psychology behind this is a state break followed by word association of the word "gay" with unfeminine behavior - yes, this doesn't make any logical sense - and then callback to trigger the association.

aaron_the_just · 2014-03-03T13:29:58+00:00

(1) Lift more.

(2) Spin more plates (going to be tough since you're in an LTR, but at least try to get things going

(3) Run some dread game.

If that doesn't help:

(4) Next her.

Also:

(5) Stop trying to use logical arguments with women about emotional topics. It's a complete waste of time. If she says she needs a pedicure, instead of being an aggressive try-hard dork, be goofy-funny and say "Yeah, I need one too. In fact, I'll be at the local nail salon this afternoon." Then go fishing or something for the afternoon.

Zackcid · 2014-02-28T23:32:30+00:00

This is what happens when she thinks she's safe. Being in a LTR, she doesn't have to worry anymore about upping her game and being pleasant. "She's already got you, after all".

Now, me thinks it's time you work on your alpha/masculine identity (seriously, it seems like she's lost respect for you). I get the feeling she doesn't see you as a big, strong daddy anymore. Don't forget that women only date up and if she doesn't adore and respect you anymore, there's no need to keep this abusive relationship going man.

but I don't know any short-term solutions in the heat of the moment.

You should adopt a new mindset. Don't take her seriously. If she gives you that crap, just giggle and dismiss it like if it were a child who was telling you that. There's absolutely nothing she can do about it. She can't tell you to be more serious and boring. If she does, look at her weird and tell her "you're not gonna tell me what to do". She sounds sick, she's at an advanced stage in her psychological illness.

-Tyler_Durden- · 2014-03-02T07:15:32+00:00

First, as long as she's not spending your money on a pedicure, you shouldn't care.

Second, if she annoys and emasculates you, why are you still with her? Do you think this will get any better if you do something stupid and marry her?

Finally, don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy with this woman. No matter how long you have been with this woman don't ever be afraid or hesitant to move on. You must always be willing to walk away.

haxorroxor · 2014-03-01T04:32:13+00:00

With a smirk say, "Calm the fuck down."

Modified_Hackware · 2014-03-01T00:28:56+00:00

"don't patronize me."

"Stop being a whiney Bitch then"

or

"I NEED a Pedicure"

"Book one then"

kick6 · 2014-02-28T22:04:39+00:00

You find the behavior unacceptable, and it makes you not want to talk to her.

This sounds like a good place to start...

Your options are either to say this bluntly, or twist it into a joke. Either way, you're failing shit-tests every time because you're unwilling to risk the fight. Risk the fight, bro.

Title	Can't seem to alpha up
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	12
Comments	17
Date	February 28, 2014 8:17 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/1z7gac/cant_seem_to_alpha_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/cant-seem-to-alpha-up.139052 https://theredarchive.com/post/139052

Comments