How to deal with the subject of rape.

Stayinghereforreal · 2014-06-06T14:25:14+00:00

If she is bringing it up in this way, your concern should be that her rape will now become the centerpiece of the sexual relationship, and you will be expected to cater to the rape's changing, constant demands.

Is the rape allowing her to be horny today? No. Darn. Maybe next week..

Is the rape allowing her to do this or that fun sex act, or is that still of limits? No. Rats....maybe in two more years we can turn on the lights...

Is the rape sad today, because triggers? Yes. Well, I guess we should just cancel those plans we had with friends...

Etc.

Put another way, any time there is some need, want, preference, mood, whatever, it will be the rape imposing it, according to her. So of course you will be told that the rape has come up with some new condition on life, and you are expected to heed the rape's instructions she is channeling to you.

The current cultural more is to tell guys in relationships with gals to be supportive, help her deal with her trauma, learn to love her as she is, blah blah blah.

Nope. Don't sign up for that. Why? Because relationships are not therapy, and you are not a mental health professional. She needs to be a functional, healthy individual when she seeks a lover. That means she has dealt with traumas and it will not be a serious hindrance to her relationship.

Alternatively, she has to disclose right up front that she is still not healthy. Which to her credit, sounds like she did here. Unless you are eager to sign up for a GF who is still dealing with trauma, wish her the best. Then move on.

one of the female players in chat said they had a panic attack because of the word being used. Is that just begging for attention or is there a legitimate way that can happen?

Welcome to the New Victorian Era, where some topics are so beyond the pale that you may never, ever bring them up, lest women faint or become hysterical with shock.

caxica · 2014-06-11T09:05:04+00:00

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HDThoreauaway · 2014-06-06T14:59:08+00:00

She's got emotional scar tissue around a horrible sexual experience. You can work through that, but you have to be ready to go very patiently and very, very slowly and rebuild sex as a positive experience for her.

It's totally doable. But it takes time. Do you want to invest that time? If so, eventually, she will re-learn that sex is awesome, and then you can have awesome sex. If not, it's probably best for both of you that you move on.

caxica · 2014-06-11T09:07:35+00:00

[permanently deleted]

caxica · 2014-06-11T08:58:47+00:00

Next her. If she asks why tell her "you need serious therapy. Good luck." Do mot allow yourself to "be there for her" while she fixes her head which may take years if it ever happens at all

joe_bruised_ego · 2014-06-06T14:31:44+00:00

Dear god. A rape shit test. How low can a woman go?

Come to think of it, this has happened to me once or twice- back in high school. I thought I was just really trustworthy, lol.

Even if it really did happen, what the hell does she expect you to do about it?

[deleted] · 2014-06-07T02:39:08+00:00

Move on, not because she isn't worth it, but because in order to be in this relationship, you are required to become her therapist and emotional helper.

This is not a judgement, just a reality.

A girl who has been raped will required way more work then any other. If she's the love of your life, then she will be worth it. Personally I would help my soul mate through whatever shit they had in their past.

If that level of work doesn't interest you, then walk away. You can find someone you are more compatible with, and so will she. It's a win win.

captainbloodd · 2014-06-06T16:46:23+00:00

Next her. She's crazy. Never stick your dick in crazy.

[deleted] · 2014-06-06T16:11:53+00:00

Just say you got raped too with a dead pan face.

I play a lot of online games and a few weeks ago someone said "you just got raped" and one of the female players in chat said they had a panic attack because of the word being used. Is that just begging for attention or is there a legitimate way that can happen?

If she doesn't like to hear "You got raped" on online gaming then she's in the wrong hobby (but not really since 99% of female gamers are there for validation and attention).

TheInkerman · 2014-06-06T14:42:58+00:00

I'd probably talk to her about it, something direct and clear, but not confrontational.

Along the lines of "So what was with the whole rape thing last night?"

She'll either wave it off or launch into a whole spiel about it looking for sympathy (not saying she doesn't deserve it, but that is what she's doing). If she doesn't launch into the spiel and avoids the questions, move on.

Assuming you don't want to play the surrogate therapist, your response in either scenario should be "That's fine" or "Ok" - "But how does this affect physical intimacy in our relationship?"

If she goes at you over 'how dare you only care about sex!', the response is something like "I believe that physical intimacy is an important/vital part of relationships".

The whole time remain calm, and hold frame.

If she does tell you the story (and don't go looking for it), and it's anything other than an actual rape, that is a huge red flag right there. If she dropped the whole 'I was raped' thing so casually as it seems she did, that is also a red flag, if she wants to share with you all about it, etc, that's a red flag.

Your walking a bit of a tightrope here, if she was traumatically raped then physical intimacy may be a real issue for her, and some understanding is needed (or at least expected) on your part, but that is by no means a full blown excuse for you to put up with no physical intimacy. If she wasn't traumatically raped, and is essentially using it as an attention getting tool, you need to clamp down on that shit, or bail. In either case, you need to figure out exactly where you stand in regards to physical intimacy and be clear without confrontational.

zpatriarchy · 2014-06-06T14:57:06+00:00

if you just want to bang her, act like it's no big deal, don't bring it up. if you want a LTR, then you need to move on, she is not the girl. read Stayinghereforreal's comment

fx-115es · 2014-06-06T16:51:21+00:00

She flakes. Next her

MarriedRP · 2014-06-06T22:17:32+00:00

There is a chance that the second half of that sentence was going to be "... and now I have Hep C".

We all have a need to be validated as sexually attractive by the opposite sex, your date included. Once she got that validation, she just had too much humanity to blindly expose you to a disease.

She should be treated kindly if you run into her again but she should be crossed off your list. If she presses for an explanation, you should easily be able to maintain frame while explaining to her that you do not want to be the man that brings up painful memories for her and you sincerely hope that she is some day able to move past that horrible experience.

Title	How to deal with the subject of rape.
Author	gt35r
Upvotes	7
Comments	29
Date	June 6, 2014 1:28 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/27gucb/how_to_deal_with_the_subject_of_rape/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-to-deal-with-the-subject-of-rape.140180 https://theredarchive.com/post/140180

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