Don't get stuck in polite conversation. There's no "skin" invested in it. You've got to get at least a little bit naked (so to speak) in order to connect with someone. Here's how you do it, and feel comfortable at the same time:

You find common interests... but not the way you're thinking.

We humans have just 4-­8 basic emotions, depending on which study you read: joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger and anticipation. Everything we experience triggers a combination of these basic emotions. There aren’t that many combinations.

We may not have experienced the same activities, but we have experienced the same emotions. So when I say you need to find common interests, I mean you need to find something that sparks similar emotions​in both of you.

Say Felipe is studying to be an architect, and Manuela is studying to be a doctor. Felipe doesn’t care about medicine and Manuela doesn’t care about Architecture. They ask each other polite questions:

Felipe: Oh I hear you have to study for a long time to be a Doctor. How many years do you have left?

Manuela: Yeah, I’ve got another 2 years. 7 total. Although you never really stop learning. What do you want to design when you graduate?

Felipe: Bridges. I mainly want to design bridges. But I guess I’d be happy designing anything.

Manuela: Yeah I know what you mean, I just want to graduate already as well!

This is pretty boring, right? Neither of them are offering or asking for emotional information. You need to make an effort to understand​ them. This chit­chat isn’t going to cut it.

At this level of conversation they have to keep thinking of new topics every few seconds. The ideas will dry up pretty soon. This is why conversations often feel like hard work. It’s much easier to pause and explore one topic for a while.

So here’s what you do...

You don’t just listen to respond. You listen to understand. You go deeper.

  • Offer your own emotional information

  • AND dig for their emotional information.

Keep digging until you understand their way of thinking. Until you feel the emotion they’re talking about. Then show them that you understand by sharing a similar experience of your own.

These questions are your friends:

  • WHAT do you like about that?

  • WHAT made you want that?

  • WHAT scares you about that?

  • Essentially any question that uncovers “What makes you feel that way?” or “What makes you think that way?”

WHAT tends to work better than WHY because WHAT feels like you’re curious and WHY can sometimes feel like an attack. “WHY do you like that?" “Because I do. What's your problem?!"

So back to Felipe and Manuela. Now that they know how to “listen to understand”, how does their conversation go?

Felipe: I mainly want to design bridges. But I guess I’d be happy designing anything.

Manuela: What do you like about designing bridges specifically?

Felipe: Well I haven't actually designed one yet, but for some reason I keep picturing myself standing on top of a huge bridge that I designed. I don’t know. It just makes me feel alive.

Manuela: Yeah that sounds pretty cool. What do you mean by ‘alive’ though?

Felipe: Hmm, well the bridge started as an idea in my head, and now I’m standing on it. It’s like having ultimate control over everything.

Manuela: Oh I know that feeling! That’s how I feel when I think of saving someone’s life at the last minute in the emergency room. Boom… Doctor In­control.

Felipe: Haha. Is that what made you decide to become a Doctor? Because you like feeling in­control?

Manuela: Yeah, I guess it is.

Felipe: Wow. That’s the same reason I decided to be an architect. So does that mean you hate it when other people boss you around too?

Manuela: OMG that’s the worst!! I can’t stand it when other people tell me what to do.

Fun! Turns out they’re both control freaks. THAT’s their common interest. Now they can geek out on that instead of churning through countless emotionless topics that they don’t connect on.

If you want to learn more about connecting with humans on a deeper level, get my free 10-minute guide: Make Real Friends - 3 Conversation Hacks You Never Knew. It tells you what to say, how to say it and why to say it.