Today marks one week from the day that I decided to really make some changes in my life, particularly in terms of dating, sex and relationships. A weekly diary of progress might sit somewhat outside of the remit of usual seddit content, but I decided to it for the following reasons:

1) To keep momentum up in this journey - one thing I've learnt already is that changing the very core of how you think is a fucking battle. Hopefully recording the process will help me maintain momentum.

2) It allows me to get specific feedback from those more experienced than me in the sub. Rather than asking actual questions, if someone reads one of my posts and thinks "nah that's not right", they can freely point it out.

3) It helps me process what I've learnt - there is a fuckton of material to actually learn and writing really helps me get it down to a tee and categorise the info in my head.

4) Hopefully, a live example of someone undergoing this journey can be of help to someone else.

I am absolutely determined to keep this thing going and intend to publish a diary once a week with what I've learnt, what I've read, in-field experiences and anything else worth mentioning. Given this is the first 'entry', I'll start with a summary on who I am, how I've arrived at this stage, and exactly what I'm trying to achieve here.

Beginnings

To get straight to the point, I'm a 23 year old guy living in the UK. I'm in my third year of University (soon to be graduating) at a major business school. I'm just shy of 6 foot tall, fairly average looking and in mediocre shape (not fat, but not particularly athletic or muscular). I'm an avid self taught guitar player and love a bit of tennis. I wouldn't say I'm an introvert or extrovert - I'm pretty confident and can handle myself fairly well in most social situations, though this fluctuates.

In terms of my success with girls up until this point, its been varied. I've had sex with a grand total of 9 girls - which isn't too bad in my opinion, and is actually pretty irrelevant. Some of them have been one night stands, some of them have been flings or short relationships, and one of them was a two year relationship with a girl that I now realise, in hindsight, was pretty much insane.

I've had a few girls be completely and utterly infatuated with me beyond reason. Obviously, these were girls I was completely uninterested in beyond having sex for the sake sex - and as I'm sure all of you will know, that speaks volumes about my inner game and general psyche - but more about that later.

The straw that broke the camel's back

So, here's a very brief explanation of the situation that brought me here and the epiphany of sorts that I had with it. Pretty standard stuff - I met a girl, and we hit it off. And when I say hit it off, I mean really hit it off. We went out on a date that started at 8pm and finished, at my place, with her naked in my bed at 3am. She was also absolutely all over me following this - I'd have a nap for an hour or two and she'd text me wondering where I'd gone. Not too obviously, but I could see that the hamster wheel was on fire just because it crept through in her behaviours.

Here's where it goes tits up: I hadn't really noticed or thought much of it at the time, but this was more or less the first time I'd been dating a girl I was crazy in to. Sure, I've dated girls that I like and enjoy before. But this was the first time I hadn't been friendzoned or rejected flat out by a girl that I was head over heels for - I really liked her and it was right in the palm of my hand. Somehow, though, I managed to fuck it up.

Essentially, I displayed the "number one killer of attraction"... yeah, you got it; neediness. I got needy with her, plain and simple. The balance of power shifted between us, and over time her attraction dropped and dropped until it failed on me completely. Her departing words were literally "you being needy isn't making me want to spend time with me anymore".

I really, really liked this girl a ton. But the most painful thing about it? that it was entirely my fucking fault! She was literally giving me booty calls at 3am because she couldn't just wait to see me the next week. All I had to do was focus on enjoying her company when I saw her, being myself, and moving things forward at a pace she was comfortable with.

But, this brought me to a huge, potentially life changing realisation...

It really, really is all about inner game

Back to my earlier point about girls I couldn't care less about being infatuated with me and not being able to get a look in with girls I really like.

I have chronic oneitis.

I'm talking since the literal moment my balls dropped, probably when I was 12/13ish, I was chasing a girl that didn't want me. I remember the first one - her nickname was 'maz'. Honestly, when she told me she just wanted to be friends, I genuinely wanted to die. As ridiculous as that is, naive, sheltered little boy me felt suicidal because this girl didn't like me.

I don't know if this is where it all started, or if this tendency was already built into me. Or maybe it hurt so much that it affected my behaviour from that point on, because I proceeded to fall practically in love with, pedestal, orbit and worship girls that didn't want me. Namely (excluding the one above):

  • Zoey
  • Olivia
  • Kim (this one actually went out with me for a joke. Ouch)
  • Kirsty
  • Zoey - again. (I actually nearly got her this time but I fucked it at the last second)
  • Hannah - this was by firs the worst one. Began at about 14, finally got over it at about 17
  • Emily
  • Interim period for my 2 year relationship and following period of just being single
  • Siubhan (This one was pretty bad too. I almost sort of got a date, but it didn't go anywhere. I did have sex with her best friend though (that really bit me on the ass later))

Siubhan was the last one for a while. For about a year/18 months, I had fun - I was in a good place, enjoying myself. I wasn't the best I could, don't get me wrong; I still had a lot of issues that needed addressing. And that's where we meet the last obsession, whom we'll just call "L".

This might sound like I'm just spewing up my life story, but its going somewhere. If this resonates with you, keep reading.

So to recap, I meet L, she likes me, I like her, we go out, she likes me a lot and actually acts kinda needy toward me, I like her a lot and completely switch that around, and fuck it up.

When I met L, I was in a good place. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Let me clarify that she's fucking hot, and she's got a really cool personality and is into stuff that I love. So she was ideal. Despite this, I held frame. I was mysterious - I even presented options right in front of her without meaning to do so. I was close to emulating the exact kind of guy that I'm striving to be now. But, it was an illusion created by circumstance and the fact that I was in a happy place. Outer game is pointless if you haven't got the frame to back it up.

Soon after that, I wrecked things. Not deliberately - I didn't realise I was doing it, but I feared her becoming uninterested, and in doing so, I made that fear come true. This was my huge realisation - I communicated to her that I wasn't worth her time. I put her well up on a huge fucking pedestal in my mind and got needy.

As much as I was hurting myself, I did all of this because it was completely against my nature and everything I've experienced so far to have a hot girl, that I really like, reciprocating my feelings. I didn't realise I was doing it, but I was so out of depth and so uncomfortable with being wanted by someone I wanted that I began picking at the seams out of fear until the whole thing fell apart.

That list of girls above might not seem that long, but the point is that they (mostly) follow straight on from each other. Once I finally "got over" one of them, I found another girl to pine after, be the nice guy and wait for them to love me back. It also covers a period of time spanning about 9/10 years - I always had a girl that I was chasing despite her not wanting me.

The more I though about it, the more I realised that it wasn't circumstance or nature or even the girls in question creating this situation - it was me. Its literally a repeating pattern in my psyche. It makes me feel shit, but I had gotten comfortable feeling like shit. Over the course of a decade, I'd hardwired myself to be in the position of chasing a girl that didn't like me and deliberately pedestalling someone who wouldn't pedestal me.

So again, when L was reciprocating my feelings and seemed to really like me, it just wasn't comfortable for me. It felt great, but I was on edge. I was waiting for her to get bored or reject me or friendzone me or whatever, in doing so - in feeling and acting that way - I forced her to it. I communicated that I was below her, and eventually she had no choice but to agree.

Oneitis isn't something that just happened to me, I made it happen - again and again and again. Even when a great opportunity presented itself to me, I chose what best reflected my internal beliefs; that I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve a girl that is, in the words of Mark Manson, "fuck yes" about me, and that I deserve to be in the friendzone chasing her and constantly there for her, trying to win her affection.

Moving forward

So from all of this, I've realised that its nothing to do with how I look or who I actually am. The reason I don't get the girl that really appeals to me is a choice, not a consequence. Even when I did, I threw it away. It wasn't because there was something wrong with me as a person - she was nuts about me as a person. Its because of my internal state.

L actually got back in contact with me last week after two weeks of no contact, just saying "Hiya just wanted to make sure your ok". I played it cool and just spoke to her politely through a slow moving text conversation, but eventually - this time last week, I decided it was stupid. I knew that I had made myself look weak and pathetic in this girl's eyes, and that the only way I can ever have a shot with her is if I'm in a better place mentally.

So, I did something I'm actually kind of proud of. I just told her that "I know I messed it up before by getting needy and weird, that was stupid. But I do really like you and tbh I want to take you out again. If that's something you wanna do, that's awesome, if not, that sucks but let me know if you change your mind".

I've been no contact with her since. I'm proud because I've walked away from her - no begging, no spending hours talking to her when its not going anywhere etc. I've walked away, and I have at least some of the power because I've defined the terms of engagement.

As for moving forward, I need to change my mental state. I need to stop trying to fulfil the same old pattern, so that the next opportunity I get with a girl I actually really like, I don't fuck up by getting needy or being unprepared to walk away. I'm gonna work on outer game, and I'm gonna be meeting and talking to girls - and general self improvement. But, my main goal is to really, genuinely, change the way I identify myself and how I think.

So to close off, I'm starting by reading "models" by Mark Manson because it has been recommended a lot. Here's my current reading list outside of that:

  • How to win friends and influence people
  • No more Mr nice guy
  • Mode one
  • The way of the superior man
  • Gorilla Mindset
  • Six pillars of self esteem

Outside of that, I'm currently experimenting with various different techniques. This post has been huge and mostly documents this huge realisation I've had, but I have experienced some improvement. This shit is deeply ingrained in my mind and its gonna take time and dedication to turn it around, but I am noticing surface level changes. Just subtleties in things I do - I make eye contact with everyone, I smile at every girl I walk past. I feel a lot better and I'm noticing that people are seeing that in me. Positive affirmations, visualisation - that kind of shit is all stuff I'm experimenting with.

Next week, I'll actually write about specific situations I field report style and what I've learnt from "models", plus a few other bits and bobs.

Hopefully this will serve as useful material for getting someone else off of their arse and out into the world. If not, it was helpful for me to pen all of this down. Until next week!