I’d be grateful for some thoughts / analysis regarding the position I find myself in regarding my marriage. It’s quite a long post but I want to fully set the scene without drip feeding.

I’ve now been with my wife for 20 years (married for 17 years) and we have two wonderful children aged 16 and 12. We have a ‘traditional’ division of roles. I make good money working for myself in a specialised professional field which enables us to have a nice home and a very decent lifestyle. My wife works part-time to earn ‘pocket money’ spending most of her time running the home and looking after the children. She does a good job including cooking, cleaning, washing etc and genuinely seems to enjoy the role of homemaker. I do all the traditional male tasks and have near complete control of the finances. Our children are well balanced, happy, enjoy school and outside activities and understand the importance of a strong work ethic and (I think) traditional gender roles.

I’m in my early 50’s, I’m tall (over 6’), reasonably fit and athletic. I’ve quite an attractive face and a good size cock. I’d say I’m definitely in the top 20% by SMV in my age range. My wife just turned 50 and is also still attractive for her age although she could do with losing 15 pounds or so. She regularly starts a fitness / diet regime but after a couple of weeks there is always some reason why she can’t continue with it.

When I met my wife 20 years ago she was still pretty hot (at least a 7), good figure and seemed quite demure. I was probably a 6.5 (attractive face but too skinny). However, due to our respective ages I now recognise that she was hitting (or had hit) the wall whilst my SMV was rising. I was better educated than her having a very good degree plus had travelled much more extensively. I approached her and had a fairly confident personality. We made out the night we met but didn’t fuck until our 3rd or 4th date if I recall. She led me upstairs to fuck and it was obvious she enjoyed sex. When we met she had told me she was 28 but quickly admitted to being 30 (apparently she thought having turned 30 made her less dateable – no shit?)

We never really discussed our sexual history other than she told me she had been in a very long term relationship when younger (18 to 24) and they had lived together. I think this was her first proper boyfriend. My sexual history was mediocre to say the least. I lost my virginity late and then struggled to get past second or third base with a string of girlfriends I managed to date in my twenties. Only one relationship lasted longer than six months (most much shorter) and I only had 7 sexual partners with long periods of involuntary celibacy in between. I was very much a Mr Nice Guy.

There were a number of things about my wife which I now know to be ‘red flags’ including: Father walked out in her mid teens; her best drinking buddy was an unashamed slut; lying about her age. Although I felt uncomfortable, she assured me that she hadn’t behaved like her friend (some of her other friends also assured me the same thing).

So our relationship followed a fairly predictable pattern with good frequent sex for a few months gradually reducing over an extended period of time until we got married around 3 years after meeting. Note - After around two years she had given me a tearful ultimatum that we either got engaged or she would need to move on. It’s also worth noting that I had quite a major health issue around a year into our relationship which she supported me through wonderfully to recovery.

Once married, I was in full Beta mode. My wife put on weight following the birth of the children and our sex life deteriorated further. We generally bounced along in a marriage that had some high points, some low points with mostly mundane routine a lot of the rest of the time. We increasingly sniped at each other with the occasional row that only ever ended when I completely gave in. My wife fell out with numerous friends and family over a five year period and seemed generally depressed and unhappy. Any disagreement between us was met by an immediate withdrawal from sex which on one occasion lasted for a number of months. Wondering what the fuck had happened to the happy, fun and attractive girl I fell in love with, I was generally stressed, miserable and increasingly lacking in motivation and confidence. At one point I got divorce advice from a lawyer but didn’t progress with it.

Then over the last two years or so, I became more aware of the manosphere and discovered TRP. I’ve read and tried to assimilate the key material and tried to embed the principles in all areas of my life and in particular my marriage. The difference has been amazing! I now lead the marriage, making most of the decisions I would have previously deferred, I’m confident, cocky/funny and have improved my appearance, health and physique. All of this done covertly of course. My wife has responded as hoped, sex has gone from once a month back to once a week, she is happy and affectionate and every day tells me that she loves me. She gives enthusiastic blow jobs and orgasms easily every time we fuck. She started taking steps to improve her health and fitness again. Essentially, after having long periods where I couldn’t stand the sight of my wife, I can now honestly say that we get on great and I love her again. We haven’t had any sort of row for well over a year and the other night she told me that she couldn’t be any happier. All is now great in our world ……. So what is my problem you might be wondering?

A few months ago I came across some diaries from a number of years leading up to when I met my wife. Although quite sketchy it’s clear she was subject to a great deal of male attention. It’s obvious that whilst she had frequent dates she was essentially into serial monogamy and that she turned down some guys that she was clearly very attracted too on the grounds that they were obviously ‘trouble’. It’s clear from her writings that she wanted to love, be loved and have a happy family life and I suspect was quite clingy and low in self esteem. It seems like she was generally dumped a few months into most of these relationships although some lasted longer. It’s also clear she loved some of these guys. Extrapolating, I’d estimate that she was fucked by between 15 to 20 guys prior to us getting together. It’s also clear that her ideal man is a lot hunkier than I was. In the diary, she is generally very complimentary about me and our early dates: hot, wonderful etc and she was certainly concerned about what I thought of her. However, there is no mention of my looks or physical appearance. There is also no evidence that she ever cheated on me and the little she did tell me about her history is backed up by what is written in the diaries.

I am struggling to come to terms with the mental image of all the men who have been balls deep in my wife, fucking her brains out long before me. I’m sure that some of these men will have fucked her better than me and I wonder about the things she has done with them that she hasn’t done with me (do I have an alpha widow?). It’s not just the number that’s gut wrenching, it’s the knowledge that she had real intimacy and love with some of these men over an extended period of time. I’m jealous of what she has experienced with them and what the men experienced with her when she was in her prime.

I’ve left wondering, did she really have a strong sexual desire for me? Did she really love me? …. Does she really love me now or just the utility I provide? Did she ‘settle’ for me in her ‘epiphany phase’? I also recently discovered separate evidence that she was actually engaged to her very long term boyfriend. When I asked her about this, she flat out denied it. Although I think she is lying I can’t actually prove it.

If I could go back in time 20 years, with the redpill knowledge that I have now, I think I would probably pump and dump, get married much later to a younger girl or not get married at all. But the fact of the matter is that we are happy, we love each other and I believe that a stable, traditional family environment is crucial to the well being and future happiness of my children.

So what do I do?

Do I get out now? Do I get out at some point in the future (when the damage done to my children might be reduced)? Do I suck it up, get over my butt hurt and enjoy the re-found happiness in my marriage?

TLDR: Beta dates and marries relatively hot ‘post wall’ woman. Marriage follows predictable pattern for many years. Beta discovers TRP and marriage is significantly improved resulting in happy family life. Husband then discovers details of wife’s sexual history. What to do now?