I’m not sure if I’m being overly controlling around my husband’s bad moods or if there’s a problem.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2024-06-01T09:34:59+00:00

I remember your previous posts. I'm going to preface this by saying your husband seems to have serious anger issues. Have you talked about it with anyone in real life since you last posted here?

You can't sweet talk anyone out of anger issues. Sure, you can try not to anger them, but for what I've seen with yellers - the more you walk on eggshells around them, the more they feel justified in lashing out when you slip.

The issue with yellers is that maybe you are doing something that can legitimate, reasonably cause anger... but their reaction is not legitimate or reasonable. It is disproportionate. You cross the line by one step, they then cross the line by one mile in retaliation, and feel justified while doing so. (They might or might not apologize later. If they apologize, it's usually an overblown, groveling kind of apology too.)

Laura Doyle tells you "then don't cross the line by that one step", but she fails to acknowledge the rest of the issue. Besides, as you try to stay back from the line, the yeller tends to move the line further and further back... because the yeller is not taking any responsibility or accountability for their behavior, and seeing you shrink back makes him feel justified.

At some point, you need to hold that line for him.

It is not justified. It is not acceptable.

So don't accept it.

Dis-engage whenever he starts yelling. Go do something that makes you feel happy. Don't reengage until he calms down. Show him with your actions that you will no longer accept it. Be consistent. You are done.

but sometimes I try to fix the situation and explain my side and why what he did hurt me, but that angers him even more. This is why I’m not sure if I’m being controlling. I will ask why what I said upset him so much, and try to explain how I didn’t mean it to upset him- but when I do this it makes him angrier and angrier, and he will sometimes start yelling and screaming.

Keeping in mind what I wrote above, the kind of behavior you outline here would still lead to arguments with anyone, anger issues or not. You don't solve an emotionally charged issue by adding fuel to the fire, piling up more and more negative emotions. It's best to hit pause and revisit these issues later, when you are both calm. Otherwise it's like one saying "I have a cut on my leg, it hurts" and the other endlessly poking the cut "here? Does it hurt here? Why does it hurt? What if I poke it with a knife? What if I poke it with my finger? Did you know my leg hurts too?". Will it make the pain better or worse?

You might find this article interesting.

You might also try to express your desires in a positive, non-critical way. I have zero anger issues but I can eat a whole bar of chocolate in one sitting, and if my husband told me "I want extra chocolate becase YOU ate all the chocolate this week, you know you tend to eat our whole food rations in one sitting and then there's nothing left for me" I would get defensive too. It's true, but there's better ways to express it. "I just want an treat" or "I figured we could buy extra so there would be plenty" is sufficient explanation.

Again, I don't think walking on eggshells is the right answer. But this would count as "how you reasonably treat people and handle arguments" in my book. Learning to dis-engage and expressing your wishes without implied criticism are important tools in every relationship.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-06-01T13:00:40+00:00

I don't know exactly how these conversations are going where you are explaining your behavior, so forgive my assumptions. I think offering explanations unprompted to an aggravated party is a dangerous game.

sometimes I try to fix the situation and explain my side and why what he did hurt me, but that angers him even more.

TRP has a term called DEER - defend, explain, excuse, rationalize - a list of behaviors to avoid. Explain is the most controversial, but TRP will stand by that it's better to refrain unless specifically asked.

One danger of explanations is that there's a thin line between that and self-justification, which is widely considered to be a faux pas. Understanding why you did what you did is beneficial when it helps you know what can improve - not so much for it's own sake. The improvements are the important thing to say to the other person.

Do you want to hear a long explanation for your partner's behavior when you're angry? Anger is the emotion we feel after something has hurt us. It's protective. It motivates us to change something so we don't feel this way again. Hearing why the thing happened to begin with appears to bring us further away from the change we crave.

I know when I'm angry, a lot of the time I'm not interested in explanations. I tend to understand the other person without being told, so listening to something I already know or could easily guess when my patience is at its lowest is trying. Listening to explanations is something I do so the other person can feel understood. It's something I do for them, it's not for my benefit.

I will ask why what I said upset him so much, and try to explain how I didn’t mean it to upset him

I think it's good to give the other person a chance to feel heard in the relationship. Don't immediately turn it around to being about you. Upset people are very sensitive to feeling like the other party wants to assuage their own guilt rather than to help them feel better. Just let him talk. "I understand, I shouldn't have done that, that is upsetting, etc."

I could tell that if I tried to talk about it then it would end in a fight, so I practiced STFU.

This is where the Laura Doyle skills would recommend a "I'm sorry, that was disrespectful."

I pointed out that he ate the whole thing this week, that he sometimes does that where he will eat our whole ration of food in a day and so I was going to buy extra.

Ensure you've read up on I-statements. Fights starting from statements like these is common.

yktvvvvvvvvvv · 2024-06-01T03:08:24+00:00

I will answer this as someone who also follows Laura Doyle’s intimacy skills.

It seems like you might have a blind spot in your relationship. To an average person without context, these issues seem very minor and not something that should cause an argument.

But for example if your husband is feeling unappreciated or constantly criticised, pointing out that he ate the chocolate (however reasonable to everyone else) might be the final straw for him.

There’s clearly something else that is bothering him.

Personally, I had a very critical and controlling mother. I couldn’t be a minute in her presence without her pointing something out. It got to the point where I blew up once because she told me to wear a jacket as I was leaving the house. I felt like I was being treated like a child and constantly under a microscope.

Men can find small comments like these very critical. I believe if you would’ve said, I just would really love some chocolate, it might’ve had a better outcome rather than bringing up that he ate all the chocolate. Although both are true, one is more palatable to him and without the criticism. The funny thing is, if you would’ve said you just are really wanting some chocolate, he probably would’ve responded saying oh yeah I realise I at all the chocolate last time. But it’s the fact that you’re bringing it up that’s different.

So reframing things where you don’t mention him might work?

Also upping the SFP. Even if it sounds weird finding small things to be grateful for. Like, I love how attentive you are about the grocery list.

Vermillion-Rx · 2024-06-01T20:03:50+00:00

This sounds like your relationship has contempt.

It doesn't even sound like the content of the argument is the main issue. Contempt happens when there has been an underlying set of tension going on for a while, such as someone shutting you down, repeatedly exercised bad habits or flaws the other person has told you to stop repeatedly, constantly making a partner anxious (i.e. not cutting off a specific opposite sex friend when there are valid reasons to request it) etc.

I'm not claiming to know what developed the contempt but contempt needs to be addressed. This is how small arguments escalated rapidly, because they aren't mad at the small thing, they are mad at everything that contributed up to it. It's like cutting a weak link in a chain, everything that is attached to the weak link falls too, not just that piece.

My advice would be to refrain from arguing at all. If an argument even so much as starts, try to figure what you two have contempt over and what this argument is really stemming from

You should probably talk about the underlying problem not the surface argument

Edit: i didn't read your post history, I'm assuming no one has anger issues, other clinical mental health problems, or substance use. My comment is answered under neutral assumptions, if there is more to it I have not addressed it

AutoModerator · 2024-06-01T01:42:00+00:00

Title: I’m not sure if I’m being overly controlling around my husband’s bad moods or if there’s a problem.

Author Common_Ad6209

Full text: I have posted on this sub a few times and have found it to be immensely helpful. I’m facing an issue that’s been here for a long time, but only seems to be getting worse: my husband and I getting into tiffs and it sometimes blows up into huge fights.

We just bought a new house, I just started working full time which I’ve never done before, and my childhood dog passed away. So there has been lots of changes in our lives. I’m also autistic and really don’t deal too well with change- all of these changes at once are a lot. I’ve been trying to stay positive but I do know it’s taken a toll on me but I’m working on it, I’m going on anxiety meds.

With that said, I notice my husband and I arguing even more. We will be having a regular conversation. I will say something he doesn’t like and he will get deeply upset, like instantly triggered and his whole mood will change. But these things are usually very minor… for example, I added extra chocolate to our grocery list because he ate the whole thing this week and I barely got any. So rather than making an issue of it, I figured I’d buy extra. When he saw the list he said he was taking off the extra chocolate, and I pointed out that he ate the whole thing this week, that he sometimes does that where he will eat our whole ration of food in a day and so I was going to buy extra.

He started turning red in the face and getting very angry- I could tell that if I tried to talk about it then it would end in a fight, so I practiced STFU. It worked in preventing a fight this time but sometimes I try to fix the situation and explain my side and why what he did hurt me, but that angers him even more. This is why I’m not sure if I’m being controlling. I will ask why what I said upset him so much, and try to explain how I didn’t mean it to upset him- but when I do this it makes him angrier and angrier, and he will sometimes start yelling and screaming. Swearing and yelling. I hate it so much. That’s why tonight I shut my trap, I really didn’t want to trigger a fight, because it would ruing my whole weekend and send me into a deeper depression.

Even though STFU worked, I hate constantly feeling like if I say the wrong thing, or disagree on something, it’s going to upset him. Obviously, he is a very sensitive person, and so am I. But these episodes are becoming more and more frequent. It’s to the point where I don’t feel the same towards him as I used to. I don’t want to spend time with him, I’ve been avoiding him because I am worried that a casual conversation about anything will end in an argument. I don’t make an effort to spend time together anymore and have been turning down his advances because I feel like the happiness will only last so long. It will soon come crashing down when we get into an argument. So why even spend time with him?

But I really hate feeling like my home is not a safe space, the world is so rough, my job is hard, and my marriage being this hard too is really taking it’s toll on me. I also hate feeling like I’m not able to be myself, at this point, being with him feels like a performance or something- because I was practicing the skills and redpill tips but doing so all the time is so tiring. Sometimes it feels like I have to be a certain way or he won’t love me.

So, how do I stop these arguments from happening? Am I being overly controlling of him and his moods? One more thing. We are going to try couples therapy, we have already signed up. Lastly, as I mentioned, I have tried Laura Doyle, and while practicing the skills makes ME a happier person, I find that we still argue. That’s why I’m wondering if I have a blind spot and am being a complete a-hole without knowing it.

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Title	I’m not sure if I’m being overly controlling around my husband’s bad moods or if there’s a problem.
Author	Common_Ad6209
Upvotes	16
Comments	17
Date	June 1, 2024 1:41 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1d5bwfl/im_not_sure_if_im_being_overly_controlling_around/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-not-sure-if-im-being-overly-controlling-around.1520195 https://theredarchive.com/post/1520195

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