My wife (37f) and I (37m) have been married 5 years together for 9 and we have a 2 year old. 6 months into our marriage my wife found out through snooping that I had been exchanging messages with some women via Facebook in a very sexual nature while we were dating and when we first got engaged. Not proud of it - certainly had some issues going on with fear of commitment and wanting to have attention from others.

Beyond that my wife makes very little money - I make 200k+ and pay for everything. We both work from home but recently she’s only been working 1.5 days in order to take care of our child but reality is we both end up co-parenting from home.

My wife has never been very sexual or lovey dovey. She’s a SA survivor and very shy. I am a high libido high energy guy who’s never really been steadied with our sex life. I expressed this when we were dating and based on conversations and her SA history I figured we could work on it and it would improve. Unfortunately that is not the case but I certainly cannot blame her. Over the years I have been somewhat selfish about how I viewed her and what she brought to the table + intimacy. I was not always very kind with some of the things I said and in 2022 I broke down and said how unhappy I was in a large argument and that I wanted to divorce. Seemed we were headed there until I changed my mind and thought maybe I could make it work.

Here we are now a year+ later and things have improved for sure. I’ve changed an immense amount of negative habits and traits working with a therapist and a 12 step program I’ve been a member of for a decade. She is a great person, kind loyal and very beautiful. She’s also a great mother and very caring. That said between the lack of passion and uncomfortableness surrounding intimacy combine with the baggage of the above she still has a hard time trusting and being close to me at times and can fall into negative head spaces. We fluctuate from being in a decent place and being light and happy to arguing and not talking for days until I acquiesce and try to make up. We’ve been in couples therapy for a year now and have a good therapist but we’ve hit a wall where she can’t stay consistent with non sexual affection, being complimentary or being generally non pissy. Sex is pretty stiff and often awkward but she tries to make an effort once in a while if we are getting along but that’s maybe once a month at best.

We have a long way to go and recently bought a house that I put down 20% on and been paying without issue. We moved near her family 2 hours away from the city we lived in so I’d have to stay here to get 50/50 custody. The state is a no fault state and alimony only is enforced for the duration of your marriage unless it was 20+ years.

We’ve recently discussed a short trial separation to see if it would help reset things a bit and give us some clarity. It’s very inconvenient to separate as I’d have to leave despite my business running from my home (lots of servers and employee workstations + fiber line etc) which means I’d have to come back often to make sure things were working. She also is employed by me as I own the company and I’ve helped her build a new career in a cool industry allowing her to make a lot more than she was making when we met and she worked in retail stores.

It’s a very messy intertwined situation beyond just being married and I’m just confused if we should seperate, call it quits or if I need to shut up and be super patient even if she acts a bit unstable at times because I’m more or less the cause for a lot of that if not all of it. I’m a good dad, attractive and pay all the bills. I do equal housework and genuinely do love her and enjoy her company, I just don’t wanna look back and feel like I destroyed my life because I didn’t leave when alimony wouldn’t be totally destructive. Shes having a hard time working through her resentments and can’t say if she thinks she’ll be able to move past them or not. She’s commited to working on things and had been beside me fighting for the marriage but we’re both exhausted and dissatisfied for different reasons.

Grass isn’t always greener and I don’t want to throw away a salvageable marriage to her but I’m unhappy and it affects my ability to be productive. Because we work from home and dont know a ton of people we are always together 24/7 and rarely have time apart following an argument.

At the moment Im not supposed to ask to be intimate or instigate so it takes pressure off it. I’m also suppose to be patient with her difficulty with affection. It’s been hard and I often vacillate between thinking we are not a good fit to thinking maybe I’m just very difficult or have been. Like I said I’ve changed dramatically but she still sees a lot of the past in her mind.

If we got divorced I don’t know how the house would be split as my family member is also on the mortgage and deed with her and I, as being self employed complicated the process and having them co sign allowed us to secure the home. So three of us one of who is my parent. I am the title owner of both vehicles and have a small small savings account. Beyond that we have no assets as Covid hit my business hard and the down payment wiped us out more or less.

My child is amazing and so well adjusted, I don’t want to mess them up or break the home but I’m just so confused what the best thing to do is. I feel empty inside sometimes but I also have a history with alcohol addiction and general enjoyment of dopamine so I can’t tell if my frustration is mainly driven by lack of sex and affection which I previously viewed as validation for my worth from her - mommy issues yes I know.

She’s a good human but we have a long and unsure road ahead. If we split I’d need a few years before being able to be friendly beyond exchanging our son and I do want it to work. I’m lost with what to do and looking for some advice.

Sorry for the rant and thank you in advance 🙏