Going through divorce/ separation

IceDue123 · 2024-09-01T14:54:01+00:00

OP, you are probably going to have to hear this a many times before it sinks in. Your priorities have changed for the time being and you are going to have to put yourself first. Meaning all decisions for now will be based on your self interest. Don’t neglect the kid, but he’s her kid too and she has her responsibilities to him.

An example is when I was going through it I contemplated sacrificing and living in a studio apt while ex and kids stayed in the house. Who would benefit, not me, ex and AP.

For you, for example, if stbxw wants you to pay for private kindergarten, but you have to eat ramen and peanut butter everyday, sorry she can pay or junior goes to public school.

You’re not a bad person if you think of yourself first, it’s actually necessary right now.

I’m not saying you have a pass to be an self centered A hole the rest of your life, but right now you have to get yourself figured out or you are of no use to anybody.

0neMinute · 2024-09-01T12:44:48+00:00

It sounds like you might get lucky with a limerance divorce. If this is true push for closure as soon as possible. I know you want her to wake up but trust me when she does it wont be pretty and it wont be the way you want. Start giving distance go grey rock and speak to a lawyer about a separation agreement. Aim for a 60/40 split and as much custody of your child as possible. Aim for things that seem silly and she pushes back then notice then and continue to work with her till you get as much as possible. Remember she cheated and broke up the family, you just gathering as much resources as possible to keep the new version of the family stable on your side of the table. Best of luck.

azwildcat74 · 2024-09-01T12:22:41+00:00

First thing that was probably hardest for me but most important too was the realization that she doesn't get to define you as a person. If she is narcissistic she's going to be devaluing you as she discards you, she doesn't get to use her version of reality in place of the one you lived and know, so just don't buy it.

Be there for your son but be selfish too. Don't fall on your sword for her, everything between you two is a business decision now and she will be trying to get everything she can squeeze from you. If you don't protect your self-interests you will get bent over hard. Don't make concessions now that will cost you the next 14 years with your kid. Start the fight now and see it to its' legal conclusion because any ground given now will be hard to win back later.

Know that you cannot possibly take care of your kid and provide a good example of a whole and happy human being if you're not taking care of yourself. Make yourself a priority because nobody else is going to now.

familymanlikesfamily · 2024-09-01T12:07:16+00:00

You're going through a very difficult time that will improve.

Brings back some memories for me. I hate seeing families break up. But from the sounds of it, she has no interest in keeping it what it once was.

While you're both being cordial with each other, I would recommend drafting a separation agreement speaking to custody, the family business, and possibly alimony.

Try to get as many terms agreed to before she wants more and people get into her ear further.

Try not asking why this is happening. It's the situation you're now in. I'm sure you you want her to wake up and realize how dumb she is being but who knows what she's mapped out in her illogical mind. Stay strong. You and your child will prosper. Do not overly stress. All I did was worry about my kid nonstop.

Will pray for you.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-09-01T05:58:43+00:00

You’re not too ranty but here’s a place you can rant away!

I guess the best advice is to focus on the what’s not the whys. Once someone has checked out of the relationship, especially if involved with someone else (whether emotionally or physically), it is impossible to keep them or bring them back except on terms that are temporary and require you to shelve your dignity and self respect.

Protect yourself financially and don’t let any natural instincts toward generosity, giving, being nice, or wanting to avoid uncomfortable situations or conflict cloud your resolve to get what’s fair for you and your son.

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2024-09-01T05:53:07+00:00

Sorry to hear you’re in this situation. I’d say always try to remember you’ll be fine (and hopefully even better) when you come out the other side of this process. If you can bring yourself to read or listen to a self help book, I’d recommend you get a copy of ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by Dr Robert Glover. It might help you understand why you’re in this situation and, quite possibly, how you’ve brought it on yourself. If you can make changes quickly, you could turn things around with her but you may also find that you don’t want to. Good luck!

Title	Going through divorce/ separation
Author	Thisisrealliferight
Upvotes	4
Comments	10
Date	September 1, 2024 5:33 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f675jc/going_through_divorce_separation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/going-through-divorce-separation.1529037 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529037

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