My ex is N/BPD nuts. As an example when it comes to the custody agreement it goes something like this: I follow the agreement to the letter because that’s how you deal with these types of people. Whenever I cite it or point out that she isn’t following it or is suggesting that we not follow it I get “ITS JUST A PIECE OF PAPER!!! WE HAVE TO BE FLEXIBLE FOR THE CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILDREN!!! YOU’RE A MONSTER!!!” However if she ever perceives that I’m not following it, which in actuality is usually because she’s misinterpreting it, I get “YOU SIGNED AN AGREEMENT AND YOU’RE NOT HONORING IT!!! THE CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING BECAUSE OF YOU!!! YOU’RE A MONSTER!!!” Then I usually get a nasty letter from her attorney which I toss in the garbage. Then I get another nasty letter asking for more money (because she’s paying the attorney $450 an hour to write letters) which I toss in the garbage.

I grey rock her and make sure that she sees that no matter what she does to me that she can’t cause me to raise an eyebrow much less my blood pressure. I force her to only communicate through text which she also accuses me of being a monster over, refuse to take her phone calls or speak in full sentences to her when we exchange the kids. My responses are generally “yes, no, ok” or something very short and to the point if needed. This all works very well for me-unfortunately she is now just moving onto the kids since I am starving her of her supply.

She blames my oldest daughter for pretty much anything and everything that goes wrong in their household. If she’s having a problem with our two other daughters it’s my oldest who I’ll call Molly. My ex’s BF is in a bad mood (my girls tell me that he’s getting the same abuse I did)? Molly is being too hard on him. Her five year old sister is throwing a tantrum? It’s Molly’s fault. I am grey rocking the shit out of her and giving one word answers? Molly must be telling bad things about her mother and what goes on there. My ex yells, calls names, hits or threatens to hit (I have nothing to go on except my daughters’ words and they are terrified of my ex), calls my daughters “traitors” if she perceives them “siding” with me over anything, etc… My two older daughters have been riding horses competitively for nearly five years (since just before we separated) and are now dyed-in-the-wool equestrians. They have developed confidence, work ethic, skills, and a what will likely become a lifelong network of friends. My ex hates riding, hates horses, hates the people involved in horses (the woman who runs our barn is a very strong personality herself and has no time for my exs antics), and hates that I love it and bend over backward to support them in it, waking up at 3:00 a.m. to get them to shows, paying show fees, buying equipment, and standing out in the blazing heat and freezing cold watching them train and compete. She simply tries to bully them out of it and to lure them into other sports which they have been clear on that they do not want.

I’ve gotten my daughters into counseling (which my ex fights me on constantly) but they are scared of her and I know that she’s telling them “don’t say this, don’t say that,” etc…my attorney pretty much tells me that there’s nothing I can really do because I can’t definitively prove anything and that I’d end up spending a ton of money in court resulting in nothing. He essentially says that they will realize she’s nuts and eventually gravitate toward me, but the problem is she is doing a ton of damage in the meantime. Would it make any difference if I got an attorney appointed for the kids instead of me? Anyone used one in a similar situation?