I think we broke up

moonlitbutterfly117 · 2025-02-09T17:54:38+00:00

This isn’t quite what I’d call “red pill”, but I’d suggest checking out John Gottman. He’s done massive research on what makes for a long lasting relationship, vs what causes people to divorce. And if it’s predictable. He said the things that the things that consistently always came up, time and time again in couple that inevitably split were: defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and contempt. Because you experienced some of those things, I think you’d find it insightful.

Ill_Coffee_6821 · 2025-02-09T16:24:31+00:00

All of our arguments blow up because he becomes very defensive when I raise any kind of issue, which makes me feel very unheard. It’s the same cycle.

Separately, quietly, I feel he maybe doesn’t want to hear me speak at all. He doesn’t seem to have much curiosity around who I am. He will listen if I talk about something but won’t ask any questions after and then won’t follow up. Like I had a friend who passed away in September and I was upset. He said he was sorry but hasn’t ever asked since how I’m feeling about it. I truly think he’d be happy in a relationship with a partner who didn’t talk much. And this may be a fundamental difference we have. I know folks like Esther perel would say we shouldn’t expect to get everything from the same person, and that your lover doesn’t necessarily need to be your confidant. I suppose I just envisioned it differently. Has anyone dealt with something similar? Any advice? How did it work out?

Trick-Consequence-18 · 2025-02-09T17:47:38+00:00

Whether or not he’s your forever guy, if you’ve identified some themes with other relationships, you may be in a bit of an anxious attachment approach and finding avoidants. Read up on some of that and you’ll see the theories across most relationship advice/theory work.

As a reformed anxious attachment, learning to digest/pre-digest my feelings before bringing them to my partner has been huge. I ask myself how I can self soothe, I journal, breathe, workout, take care of my nervous system so I’m better able to do that when triggered. Often if I tend to that, the problem or feeling passes. There have also been times when I’ve been TOO accommodating because I’ve been afraid to alienate my partner, which isn’t healthy either.

Know you’ll be ok, no matter what. Try to self soothe. Trust in the universe, but do the work too

Organic_Grape_3488 · 2025-02-09T19:20:37+00:00

Hi there,

Please take any advice I give with a grain of salt. This is what worked for my situation...

I can relate to how you feel as my relationship used to feel like that. I swear I felt like I couldn't express any issues ever, but he could express all of his, and I started to become resentful. I've posted here a few times, and RPW has told me to leave my boyfriend when things got tough, but we have worked out many of our issues and officially can communicate openly, but it took a TON of work...

First, I started practicing Laura Doyles' skills. I bought her audiobook and would listen to it- chapter by chapter. I would try my best to master one skill at a time... If you have an ego, like some of us women do, some of her skills may make you uncomfortable... but try them out anyway. I got 3 other women to try them, and it completely changed their relationships. One friend was invited to her husbands hobby for the first time ever after years of marriage.

Laura Doyle has a podcast that really gave me hope when things were going in a bad direction... I started using the podcast for self care because I really enjoyed hearing these women's stories. It's reassuring to hear how much the skills helped... It kept me motivated to keep practicing.

There is a reddit community, too.

Second, I learned his grievances and took the time to understand where he was coming from. For the longest time, I sat in my own pity party. I blamed him for everything. He has made some painful decisions in the past, but I so conveniently forgot that I had too. I now understand that in my relationship, he felt like I wasn't listening to him, which made him feel disrespected. Laura Doyle says "Respect is like Oxygen for men". I am actively trying to be a better listener, and we are closer as a result.

Third, I needed time to heal from some of our issues... I was so angry with him. I did not know if I could overcome the hurt. So I started considering what a life apart would look like, and I pulled away from my boyfriend for a while... I got myself a dog and focused on my career. I stopped complaining, but I also stopped being so attentive. He could tell I was unhappy and started trying to make me happy. I went from chasing him to being chased. My relationship needed that space for him to realize how much he wanted our relationship to work... Now we are discussing getting engaged this year.

AutoModerator · 2025-02-09T16:15:25+00:00

Title: I think we broke up

Author Ill_Coffee_6821

Full text: Hi. I’m feeling really bad right now.

The issues I felt I had in my relationship were all derivatives of not feeling heard. Sometimes my partner would say or do something that was unintentionally disrespectful, and I’d flag it in the moment. I like to try to resolve things right away.

My partner is not like that. Any time something comes up, he takes it as a criticism and blows up at me, sometimes saying something he doesn’t mean. He blames me for his blowups, because if I never said anything, he wouldn’t have blown up at me.

We’ve been in therapy and I’ve been trying to be really selective about when and how I raise any kind of issue. If you were to ask him, he’d say I am always criticizing him, or that something is always wrong.

I am also someone who likes to discuss deep ideas and thoughts and he is not like that.

When things are good and we’re not arguing, we have a wonderful relationship where we can be silly and have fun together. He’s very acts of service so he will do a lot for me, even though he’s not much of a talker and honestly not the best listener. So sometimes I feel like he’s showing me so much care in the ways he knows how to, but that maybe I do feel I want more.

I love him so much and I believe we broke up this weekend after an argument (I say I believe as this happened once before and I never like to make decisions when things are at a high and a low).

For more info - he is definitely a provider and we have fairly traditions gender roles in many ways. We’re both high earners but I definitely earn more. He takes on the traditional role when we do activities together, but I spoil him with other things like tickets to something I know he’ll enjoy etc.

My question is — for people who have a partner who isn’t much of a talker and who sometimes blows up, and who have needed to walk on egg shells a bit, but have admittedly struggled not to say everything you want to say in the moment, do you have any advice? I know the traditional advice would be to just stop raising any kind of issues for a bit. How has that worked out for you? Do you feel like if you chose better the things you discussed that you got a better response?

I am so sad right now. I’d like for things to get back on track and I do think he isn’t as respectful as I’d like sometimes, but I also understand my contribution to our arguments and that he wishes he could just go a few days with me not raising an issue. (The issues are honestly not even issues, sometimes I don’t realize, but he’s so sensitive to being criticized that I can’t even ask him about eggs without it feeling like egg shells.)

Added context- all my relationships follow a similar trajectory so I know I am contributing to their demise.

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Title	I think we broke up
Author	Ill_Coffee_6821
Upvotes	8
Comments	31
Date	February 9, 2025 4:15 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ili8e9/i_think_we_broke_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-think-we-broke-up.1543392 https://theredarchive.com/post/1543392

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