I feel horrible because it was so clear that my last partner loved me so much, but he was not dominant nor a leader. He wanted to me to move in with him and split the rent or in the future split the mortgage. He didn't make decisions regarding travel plans or dinner. He wanted to force my to live with his in laws. And lastly, he was very cruel to me when I wanted to go to grad school (he wanted me to work - so he could buy a house or apartment with me), and I a fool, didn't go because of him.

It's so hard because I am naturally submissive, but I just couldn't submit to him. Something deep within me didn't trust him. I think because of the resentment over grad school I just couldn't believe deep down that he wanted the best for me. When we were choosing between two vacation destinations, he said whatever he chose felt like the lesser choice and I wanted to research it. He also said he didn't want to choose anymore because I never seemed to trust his choices. I know this was true and I wonder where it came from.

He never cheated, paid for past vacations, paid for meals and etc. but it was the long term planning. He lacked the drive to provide. He said he wanted to but it wouldn't be possible. But it was more than that. I think it was how when I was living with my own abusive mother, he didn't want me moving into his house. But once I agreed not to go to grad school and for a job, he let me move in, and I just could never let that go even 4 years later.