Today I feel like dog shit again. It’s raining outside. The good thing is that my kids are with me today. I feel down, but I can’t show that to them. I have to be strong. I woke up at 5 a.m. today, and the first thing I did was check when my ex-wife was last online. I have to stop doing this, but I can’t help it. I even went and drove by her house to see if she was there or if someone else was there (she's is seeing someone else now…. check my last post for context). This shit is eating me alive. I do not miss this woman, so I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I cannot complain about her as a mother or as a person. It just really sucks that it didn’t work out. I was disrespected by her on so many levels. She would call me short, fat, crooked mouth, crooked finger, pussy, no balls, etc., and I cannot believe I let all that shit go on for 16 years. It got really bad in the last stages—always being sent to the couch when she was mad, kicking me out of MY house that we bought together several times. I was also a piece of shit, I think. She did catch me messaging another woman before, and I guess I did that thinking I would find someone I could actually be happy with. We got together too soon and didn’t explore other partners for sure. We had our first child when she was 16 and I was 17. We’re now 32 and 33, respectively. I gave everything for my family and isolated myself from friends. She never wanted to have anyone over. Now I’m alone, and it sucks. I can’t show emotion around my children, and when I’m at work, I just go for a walk or sit in my car to cry and let it all out. I’m just free-writing at this point, trying to stop myself from checking her profile, even though I know that after I’m done writing this, I will. I’m addicted to porn, and I’m trying to work on leaving that shit behind. I’m just so fucked up on so many levels. Everyone always says I smile a lot, but they don’t know how dark and poisoned I feel inside. I’m done writing for now, but I’m sure I’ll have more to vent later on…