I posted this in r/TrueChristian and someone suggested I share to this sub (which I didn't know existed until now, so hello)

I am in my thirties and have not had a girlfriend, not even a let's go on a date, in over a decade. I have had such an addiction to p*** and has led me to hookup with multiple women for one night stands over the years to not feel lonely. All my desires for a partner have led me to sin against God, which leads me to regret, sadness and anger. I don't think I can handle being single but at the same time maybe I am not meant to be with someone else.

I am considering removing all my desires to love and to be loved. I can't imagine wasting more decades on a hope that I'll meet someone only to find out at the end it never happened. I am not promised a wife and I believe I have made the wife (or the pursuit of one) to be the god of my life. Or I could kill these desires and be content and happy in singleness and remove the stress and worry of hope. Would it not be better to "cut off this hand" and "pluck out this eye"?

I am tired of falling back into sin. I am tired of returning to my vomit. I feel like at this point, my p*** addiction has poisoned my mind with so much filth that if I were to have a woman, I would ruin it because my desires have become vile from what they once were. In the same way someone can quit smoking cigarettes but still have lung cancer, I am afraid I have done to much damage from sexual trauma to my mind and soul. I truly am believing that I can't handle love. Perhaps I am a puzzle piece that does not fit anyone else. Would the denial of intimacy and a wife be my cross I need to bear? The thing my heart desires more than anything else? To lay it aside so I can focus on Christ?

I would love to hear your thoughts and wisdom on this. God bless.