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mrsdb
[–][deleted] 10 points11 points12 points 12 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Is it common for you to spend a lot? $16 doesn't seem like much to me. If you're not spend-crazy, I would say something like "Fortunately for me, my husband is successful enough that $16 is a drop in the bucket for him. And he likes for me to look good."
**if you really want to up the bitchiness, you could comment on how $16 isn't exactly a fortune like back in her day. That's only if you really want to slam in back at her. Personally, I do not take disrespect from other women. But that's probably why I don't have many friends. I don't like the cut throat backhanded comments.
[–][deleted] 12 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
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[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think you should find new friends. I'd bite that woman before I bit my lip. Haha.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agree!
[–]APrivatephilosophy 1 point2 points3 points 12 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm the same way, if someone asks and it was a super steal yard sale haul or clearance rack for a dollar type thing, I'm like, "Oh yeah, blah blah" but I never talk about prices of gifts or anything expensive.
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points 12 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Why didn't you say anything to the first comment? I've noticed that, most of the time, saying "what do you mean by that?" with an icy look can make women back down. There's no reason for you to accept comments like that, and by not saying anything, you're allowing yourself to be bullied.
[–][deleted] 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]stillnoturday 7 points8 points9 points 12 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
$16 .... That woman hates her life if she worrying about that.
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 12 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
mmm, one option is the meta-analysis. Break the interaction frame by going into an analytical one about the situation.
eg: "What just happened here? We have two primary options when interacting. One, we can edify and encourage each other up to enjoy each other's companionship. Or two, we can tear each other down. There's no real middle ground. You just tore me down with your statement. What did you mean and why?"
Gets it away from the emotional space and lets her know you have a standard for interaction, while giving space for a discussion.
[–][deleted] 12 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
From my read, this seems like some kind of a power thing. Like she gets validation by being an older or more "correct" person, and wants to pass down that correctness to you. So she'll try and cut down either to elevate herself or to try and enforce her vision of the world on you, perhaps thinking it is for your benefit out of a sense of care.
In all of those situations, she's trying to dominate in some way. So based on what is important, you can either ignore and more on, or confront. If you confront, there are levels, from the wisecrack A&A, to the icy stare, to the discussion and meta-analyis.
[–][deleted] 12 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]_Bless_Your_Heart_ 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You've got to establish those boundaries then. If she's familiar with the current economy, she'd understand that for a middle to lower income family, that $16 for two tops isn't exactly breaking the bank. From that perspective, it sounds like she's in it for the power play.
You have to decide if you're okay with letting that happen.
Personally, anyone who cuts me down without knowing me doesn't deserve my friendship. If they know me well enough to make those comments, sure, they have a right, and I should pay attention.
But at the end of the day... I have my own money. Money that surpasses the kind of money most of my work peers make by tenfold, and I work because I like what I do, not because I need to.
If someone 30 years my elder said that to me without a prior close relationship, depending on their status at the company and my financial need for that position, I'd either walk away without a word (And I'm 100% serious, neutral face, no words, turn around and walk off) or call them out on it with the same attitude they gave to me. You don't get my respect, you earn it.
[–]HumanSockPuppetTRP Founder 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Building rapport is something humans do to strengthen bonds and alliances, and it is something women in particular do habitually.
When someone breaks rapport, it's always an attempt at leveraging benefit by threatening withdrawal of support and allegiance.
So, whenever another woman acts like a catty bitch, ask her what she's trying to gain. Simple as that. It'll throw a light onto her cheap tactic right away, and punish her for being "unwomanly".
[–]banditgirl 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I love this.
I have had similar situations with friends as the OP posted, and never handled it nearly this well. I will keep your comment in mind next time one of these catty women makes such a statement to me.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
One of the most powerful tools in any interaction is frame breaking. Can do it in many ways, like by using a transition to humor. The above is a hammer. Not quite a sledge, but it removes the experience of emotion/judging and takes it to a place where you suddenly have security and the person being questioned is put into a place of having to qualify herself. Pretty effective in my experience and if someone is a genuine friend, it can be used as an opportunity to grow closer or understand each other better.
the formula for this specific break is:
Language/tone shift to a question.
Establishing standards for how far you will let yourself be pushed.
Direct and specific calling out of "when you did action A, it violated standards B". This is to complete the logical inference.
Revert to question to close loop and complete frame shift.
[–]banditgirl 1 point2 points3 points 12 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
you suddenly have security and the person being questioned is put into a place of having to qualify herself
Sadly, being somewhat of a peacekeeper/non-confrontational person I usually break frame, back down, or as the OP replied in here response to your comment "go quiet, exit thru the fire doors". If I am feeling feisty I might respond with some passive aggressive comment.
But your method is direct and clear, and not antagonistic. It serves to remove the emotion from the potential confrontation, rather than escalate it. And allows me to maintain frame, and not let her think I am okay with being spoken to in such a way. Thanks.
[–]APrivatephilosophy 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This approach, I use this. It is so assertive and head-on that these passive-aggressive enemies (not friends, no such thing) will totally panic. They have no idea how to communicate like an adult. Plus I find most people default to petty insults and gossip at all times, and if you hit em with this a few times, they leave you alone. They know you'll have none of their childish garbage and just leave you alone but talk crap behind your back, but believe me, even if she's your BFF, that's nothing new.
[–][deleted] 14 points15 points16 points 12 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Friends are just enemies you didn't know you had yet
[–]ColdEiric 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Friends continue to be friends as long as their plans and values and goals are aligned. Friends start ruining each other's lives whenever they stop gaining from the association.
women stay friends with those people for 30 years and let them ruin their lives
[–]sugarcrushEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points3 points 12 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I like to go with something like "wow, that was a really rude thing to say." Simple, yet effective.
If you want to REALLY put them on the spot look at her with a quizzical expression and ask "what were you hoping to accomplish by saying that?" Wait for the response and internally cackle as the other person stumbles over their words trying to come up with a lame excuse.
If you are feeling passive aggressive: -"Oh Suzy it is not like you at all to say such mean things. You must be having a bad day. It's okay, I forgive you."
-"I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that, what did you say?" If they have the nerve to repeat themselves follow up with a different comeback but most people know they were being ride and say "never mind" or whatever.
-Do the old agree and amplify!! "Yep you know me, just waltzing around spending my husbands hard earned money all day! Faster slave faster!" Make a whip cracking noise and motion for added emphasis.
Alternatively, just say "okay" and move on with your day. Vow to never hang out with bitches ever again.
[–]MrsStrom 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Whatever response you pick, practice saying it out loud. You'll be less likely to freeze up and say nothing if you have something ready.
Practice makes perfect!
[–][deleted] 12 years ago* (6 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 12 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]swift-heart 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
are you a spendthrift? my mom does a bit of what jr does, but it's not always malicious. she just means i shouldn't hoard cheap clothes i may not end up wearing or buy things just cause they're on sale.
[–]ColdEiric 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's one of the strategies of war to become friends with one's enemy. Because friends have a bad habit of letting friends forgiving and forgetting poor behaviour, due to their shared history.
If you were looking for a completely new friend, would you like you make friendships with him or her, if that person behaved like this? You don't? Then you shouldn't let this person know you any better more than a stranger would know you. If people do not respect and understand the tiny decisions you've already done, then they will certainly not respect your most sacred and important decisions.
[–]DanteAmaya 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Reading all the comments... Reactionary and equally bitchy responses aside, what I'm seeing is that she needs to be confronted and given a chance to explain herself. A simple, What do you mean? will frame the conversation in your favor and give her a chance to explain her tone or word choice.
My stepmother used to do this to me a LOT. Being the younger, less mature one, I would fume. I hated and resented her (and still do, but I have a mindset now that my father knows what he's doing and it's not my place to judge.) My hate and resentment kept me from building a relationship with her for years. I eventually started taking a proactive approach since she wasn't just going to disappear. I monitored our conversations. I let the petty sounds like scoffs and sighs slide, but if she said anything catty I would look her in the eyes and ask what she means by that, sometimes phrasing it the same way I heard it. Ex. "What a waste of time..." Are you saying that getting my degree during a recession was a waste of time?
Many times she would elaborate, but drop the bitchy tone. Getting more context for her answer helped me understand where she was coming from as opposed to assuming she was just a hateful bitch.
Some people are just hateful bitches, but I believe in understanding and giving the benefit of the doubt.
[–]FLFTW16 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Hard to tell without intimate knowledge of the relationship whether it is a friend making a bitchy comment or a bitchy friend making a comment. Either way it says a lot more about her and her situation than about you and yours. Anything someone says to your face, they are saying or thinking 10x that amount privately or when you aren't there to hear it.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 12 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Dude here, girls, in reality, don't react too well with direct confrontation.
Even if she gives you these little comments, if you notice it, they aren't necessarily 100% direct. They are somewhat indirect and passive-aggressiveness.
Instead of giving a snappy answer back, simply confront her.
"he makes money and you spend it"
You simply confront her with "What do you mean with that? What are you implying?"
If she stutters or doesn't answer immediately(Because she has to think before she says anything cuz she doesn't want to lose a friend), you tell her very politely that "You're not gonna make many friends if you're mean to them".
Sometimes I think women are even more proud than men.
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 12 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Women are all a little bitchy ! I bet you cry when you get home too. Get over it and say something bitchy back.
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