When people ask me "how did you not know your ex-wife was that bad," I think about the blue pill advice people told me when I was trying to fix the marriage. I endured a lot and only left when I got bacterial STD symptoms. In hindsight, the biggest sign of the coming affair was the deadbedroom.

Before we were married, I would ask about finances, and she would shut me out. "Quit controlling me." I didn't control her. I did all the cooking in the house, all the mechanic work, all the technical work. She did the laundry. I still don't understand where she could say "controlling."

Desperate, I put up a thread on askreddit for advice. It hit the front page. As you can imagine, it was filled with white knight posts, chastising me for asking my fiancee about her finances and debt. They told me to be even softer and easier on her. I took all their supplicating advice, and, of course it didn't work.

A few years later, during our downward spiral, I was firm when she needed to borrow money from me. I found she owed $155,000 in student debt, including interest. I wonder how many of those white knights would hear my story now and say with hindsight, "Gosh, why didn't you press her for information on your finances?"

The dead bedroom was the first symptom of our sick relationship. At one point, it managed to stretch to 9 months. I got a lot of beta advice to turn that around. Nothing worked. I lost my mind, and told her this had to change. She then trickled duty sex to me just enough to keep me from complaining. This did not address the underlying cancer in the marriage. We were still in a dead bedroom.

When I was starting to piece together what was happening during our downward spiral, I read a particularly non-academic work called "women's infidelity." I didn't want to believe it, so I put it down. "No way shes having sex with anyone else, I'm right here, and I'm great." When I found out about the affair a month later, I had to give the book credit. Here is the excerpt.

Stage 1

At this stage, the women I interviewed said that they felt as though something was missing in their lives. They had all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but felt they should be happier. Over time, many of the women noticed a distinct loss of sexual desire; they reported that they were no longer interested in sex. They spent a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands for fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complained of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often tried to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They viewed sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some of the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of the women in Stage 1 felt there was something wrong with them, that they were in some way defective. They were also fearful that their disinterest in sex would cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

Stage 2

Women at Stage 2 experienced reawakened desire stimulated by encounters outside the marital relationship. Whether the new relationships involved sex or remained platonic, they were emotionally significant to these women.

Many of the women had felt no sexual desire for a long time. Many experienced tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships were sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most experienced what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who tried to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders were everywhere. They felt guilt when the topic of infidelity arose, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. They could no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like hypocrites. They felt as though they had lost a part of themselves.

Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” these women questioned their “good girl” status and felt that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many tried to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time the predominant reaction of a number of the women moved from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, they began to attribute those desires to needs that were not being met in the marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many became negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages. In many cases, an extramarital affair soon followed.

Stage 3

Women at Stage 3 were involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. The women who were having affairs said that their feelings were unlike anything they’d experienced before. They felt “alive” again and many believed that they had found their soul mates. These women were experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what we typically refer to as being in love.

These women also talked of being in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They believed that what they were doing was wrong and unfair to their husbands, but were unable to end their affairs. Many tried several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they would vow that this would be the last time, but were unable to stick with their decisions.

Unable to end their extramarital relationships, the women concluded that their lovers were soul mates. Unaware that they had become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship, they were unable to choose. Many lived in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” was the question continuously on their minds. Some of the women attempted to initiate separations. In most cases, their husbands launched futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of these women’s past and present complaints, the last thing they wanted was to spend more time with their husbands. Many women successfully gained separations.

The reason many gave for separating was a “search for self.” They convinced their husbands that they might be able to save the marriage if they could just have time to themselves. They continued to tell their husbands that time apart was the only hope of improving the current situation. Several of these women said they wanted to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most thought that eventually their confusion would disappear and they would know with certainty that they either wanted to stay married or get divorced in order to be with their lovers. By separating, these women were able to enjoy the high experienced with their new partners without letting go of the security of their marriages. The husbands were still unaware that their wives were having affairs. Their lack of suspicion was due in part to their wife’s disinterest in sex and their belief that she was a “good girl.”

Several women at this stage were ending an extramarital affair. In most cases, it was not their decision. The majority were involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or were attracted to other women who were, in most cases, single. The women whose affairs were ending experienced extreme grief, became deeply depressed and expressed tremendous anger toward their husbands. Unaware that they were experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in brain chemistry, many felt that they had missed their chance at happiness due to their own indecisiveness.

However, these women did not return to their husbands, at least not emotionally. Believing they had become more aware of what they wanted and needed from a mate, many placed the utmost importance on finding a relationship that gave them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. To these women a new relationship with a new partner represented a clean slate, a chance to regain their “good girl” status. Some searched for new partners during their separations. Others returned to their marriages, but still continued to search. Some women resumed sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard the marriage until they made a decision. Although most were not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire was temporarily rekindled when they suspected their husbands were unfaithful, were contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands showed signs of moving on.

Stage 4

(snipped - length)

Ex wife was in stage three, feeling "alive" again, giving some other man the sex I patiently waited for. She never followed the attentive part of this narrative.

I'm not your typical beta. I stayed fit, focusing on olympic lifts, not six pack abs. I could bench press 345 lbs, but I had a 35 inch waist. I was also getting my doctorate and was the recipient of a top-level grant. I spoke 3 languages.

If I would have insisted on a pre-nup during the engagement, my lawyer would have found the debt. Get a pre-nup, fellas.

If this is you, dont just lift, Look good. Get abs. Improve yourself more. Make yourself appealing to other women. If this doesnt work for her, let her know the situation is untenable. If she refuses to work on it, leave.

I didnt run dread game. Graduate school has many more women than men, and, due to hypergamy, they have very limited options. My ex-wife failed to notice that, and thought she could put me in a dead bedroom, lie about massive debt and cheat. She thought she had options and I had none.

I'm dating a much smarter, prettier, and younger PhD now.