TLDR

Make me "feeeeeel loooooved"!

How to get oneitis

First, you need a man who is raised by dysfunctional parents. One of many configurations include absent, abusive and/or addicted father and a "cluster B personality" mother.

Such people who probably hardly accept themselves, hate themselves and each other, are incapable of love. Raised by such people, you get a man who does not feel loved. But the child must get love from their parents to survive. It is that child's vital business.

"Either I will be loved by my parents or I will die. If parents don't love me, it means I need to change."

This is what the child internalizes and what it lives by. This is the message it carries into the adulthood, still clinging to a survival behavior which becomes more and more ineffective as he lives on.

The message

The message, carried into the adulthood, someday brings unexpected results. That unloved man some day notices a woman with some traits, then falls in oneitis with her.

That girl must be somehow special. For example, she could have traits of adult children of alcoholics. Some things about the way she looks or behaves may remind him of his mother. For "advanced oneitis catchers", that woman could be in dire straits, waiting for Captain Save-a-hoe - such guys will think, that their situation is even better as they have some leverage over her (be it finances, car, job, housing, etc).

So that man falls. But, he does not fall in love. He falls into oneitis.

From his side, there is infatuation, there is love, there are many, many feelings, emotions. At his side it is extremely emotionally fueled.

Why wouldn't it be so? He finally found a woman who will make him "feeeeel loooooved". He finally found a perfect solution for his problem, carried from the childhood. That solution is a surrogate mother actually. Of course, it is another woman, so he needs to fuck her or take her on a date from time to time, but in reality it is a surrogate mother and on subconscious level, she is treated as such.

People say oneitis is a form of addiction. Of course it is. Child must be addicted to mother (in neurophysiological sense) to survive. No mother nearby must result in fear of death and loud cry.

The medium

That woman, in order to fit the pathologic model carried since childhood, must not accept that man fully. Perhaps she never did, perhaps he's not her type, perhaps she was in dire straits and he had money - or perhaps she was perfectly decent woman, interested in him, until he started being clingy, possessive, jealous, controlling and all that stuff that comes with oneitis.

What matters is, she had enough of his sorry, clingy, beta ass. So this woman pushes him away but this does not help. This fuels his oneitis even more. This way, she is exactly like the parents who did not love him. He can replay his suffering for not being accepted, which is also addictive. He can try to adjust his behavior in order to "feeeeeel loooooved". Bargaining, covert contracts.

We sometimes stumble upon various field reports, shaking our heads in disbelief, how could a woman be so cruel, how could a man be so stupid. What if... what if that was just a woman that tried to free herself from a man... and maybe she already tried to communicate it in subtler ways? And he was so damn clingy and fixated he just did not get it?

Real-life examples

I had good money from my remote programming job in the past. I worked my ass off and the money was great. I stopped doing that job the next day I engaged. For many years I thought, what was wrong with me, why didn't I keep doing that, the money was good. This week I realized, that I did that job to "feel loved" and when I had another source of "feel loved" (upcoming marriage), I stopped doing that. "I saw a source of feeling-loved in my wife so I gave up on other sources".

Perhaps this is the mechanism behind a lot of "I was alpha then went beta".

I was a very good student in high school. Then, when I went to the university, passed exams and started studying there, my grades started being worse and worse. Today I realized, that I decided to choose such studies so my father will finally love me, thus I will make me "feel loved". So, as I did my part of that covert contract (passed the exams), and he did not do his part (because I did not "feel loved"), I started being mediocre because why not. "I did my part to feel loved, now you do your part, I want something in exchange finally".

Perhaps this is the mechanism behind "procrastination".

After divorce, when ex got herself a boyfriend, I had various moments of anger towards her or that guy. I actually thought about physical assault on him or on her. The deal is, after cold analysis, there was nothing to fight about and there was very high risk of loss and trouble, if not trauma or even death. But those thoughts kept coming back. And I understood. Assaulting him in my mind meant giving her chance to make me "feel loved". Assaulting her would be an outburst of anger towards someone who "could make me feel loved, but decided not to".

Perhaps this is the mechanism behind "psycho ex".

I'm catholic. During my first years of sobriety I started attending mass and confessing. I soon realized, that even if I did some really courageous confessions, I keep doing the same things over and over again. I realized, that confession and communion allowed me to "feel loved" just by power of my own thoughts. Switching source of "feel loved".

That's the mechanism behind "sobering ex-addict converts".

There are also many situations of passive aggression towards father, mother and wife in my past. Simple, it is anger towards someone who has the power to "make me feel loved" but somehow does not. Procrastination, being late - it is also passive-aggressive, remember. Such as being late, just because "if you did not make me feel loved"...

Solution

Diet, lift, sidebar.

No magic, no religion, no meditation, no life-coaching, no therapy. If you don't feel loved, it means it has to be like that. Don't adjust your set. You may need or you may use coaching, therapy, meditation, whatever works for you, but you will never cover that huge, black gaping hole in your heart. It will stay there.

It does not mean you are not being loved. Maybe you are. If you read this post and it hit you, it means that universe loves you and wants to help you.

If you don't feel loved it does mean shit. It doesn't mean that you will never be. Maybe you are loved already and you just don't feel it. Maybe you're just incapable of that feeling and that's okay.

Don't waste your life chasing that high of "feeling loved". Don't be me.