Let it go and feel the moment: Easier said than done

sh0ckley · 2016-06-06T18:28:22+00:00

Go on a PUA study binge. I just finished "The Natural" and it was a great read. Then practice.

I would always go for a number close, because you can. Then if you choose not to call, who cares.

Also: you might benefit from 10+ minutes a day of sitting mediation. I sure do.

2gunsgetsome · 2016-06-06T20:26:38+00:00

/u/stonepimpletilists said:

Personal gains are the goal, the rest will fall into place, or fall away...

Let's ignore your first paragraph and any other reference to your wife or marriage because, like he also said,

using your marriage as the measuring stick is worthless.

Let's say you're trying to target and address something he's identified as one of your weaknesses in context of social interactions; spending the time in your own head. You said:

I have realized my biggest flaw is that I have been too focused on making my future comfortable that I have forgotten to have fun in the moment today. I have this compulsive need to put every minute to best use. I am learning new language that ties to my vacation plans overseas, and that helps me understand new culture that comprises big part of my clients at work. I am learning about investment banking in free time to make better choices in my 401k and investment portfolios. I look at food and I see macronutrient breakdown rather than enjoying the taste. At a recent meet up event I was chatting up with the group, and a girl consistently would laugh at even my lame jokes and at multiple times slap me playfully on my biceps. It was only after I left the event and on drive back I realized that was a solid IOI. I don't even recall what I was joking about... TLDR is that I am too wound up on things and forgetting to be in the moment.

I'm awfully interested in this too because it's where I'm at in my development. Here's how I've approached this topic:

When we first start lifting, we focus on every element of our form on every rep. Eventually, we develop muscle memory and just "do a set of those reps, but this time heavier" with the micro-details just happening in the background. Then it's "work this program" and so on. In that context, repetition is the way to achieve the muscle memory and subsequent ability to focus on the set instead of the rep, and eventually the program instead of the set. At some glorious point we may (or may not) realize that reaching a new PR for a lift or seeing the scale drop (or rise) past an arbitrary threshold is exciting, it's really the immersion we experience during each session with the iron that we enjoy. We can turn off our hamsters and just fucking lift because we know all the "tests" the iron might try to pull on us and we're at peace with the fact that we will either "pass" or we won't. I find it's the same with any other skilled task I might encounter at work.

When we focus on the details in our heads of each social interaction, it's detectable to our conversation partners, our "vibe" comes across as inauthentic, and the next thing we know, we're accused of "being an engineer". If there's a mind-trick or (god forbid) a shortcut, I'm all ears, but until then, I'm treating it like lifting. First I read a bunch of books about the proper "form". Then I started focusing on individual reps with light weight (small talk conversations with cashiers or fellow line-waiters). Then I added some weight (casual conversations with people I know at mutual social events), then some sets of medium weight (casual openers to attractive women in non-sexual situations), then heavy reps (extended conversations with attractive women or groups of strangers), then finally some heavy sets (extended, sexually charged conversations with attractive women).

I haven't yet had a (game) experience where I wasn't focused on certain micro-details of form, but just like lifting, the actual details I focus on have evolved from the very basics of "just pick up the bar" (say words, hold eye contact), to "am I engaging my pecs on BP and my glutes on squat?" (Was that an IOI or have I drawn enough investment for a number close?)

I'm confident that with enough reps and progressively increasing the resistance, one day I'll to go the bar (or the gym...) and just fucking lift.

mrprider · 2016-06-06T18:27:46+00:00

Look up low reward living and figure out what "fun" is. IMO fun is a commercialized thing... do things you want to do ... play with your 401 K for FUN, talk to people at meetups for fun.
Seee #1

3.

Partly, as she has no other interests than getting drunk and gossiping. She has had no chance to see new me in past few months, except that I am withdrawn and only communicate logistics, and don't get angry or indulge her in verbal fights. I just STFU, or just calmly convey my decision then STFU.

Was she always like that? No? You know what is different? YOU.

So show her some fun. Discourage behavior you do not want, and encourage behavior you want. She is BOOOORREED

She will leave you because you do not provide her with tingles. YOU numb her mind to the point that she is drinking.

Or you know, I could be wrong and you wifed up a raging alcoholic and forgot to check for that... but I doubt it.

mrprider · 2016-06-06T18:30:35+00:00

Don't let your effort toward self improvement extinguish your joie de vie and turn you into a grim, humorless automotam. All work and no play makes mrprider a dull boy.

Every fucking thing in your life doesn't have to be a vitamin. Find some things you enjoy for the sake of it, not the benefit of it.

I'm pretty sure a woman whose favorite pastime is getting drunk will be in short supply of maternal qualities. You better look into that carefully.

FearDearg2015 · 2016-06-06T22:42:55+00:00

Anything else I can do at the present?

EVERYTHING you do is at the present... The question is whether you do it consciously or not.

I have realized my biggest flaw is that I have been too focused on making my future comfortable that I have forgotten to have fun in the moment today.

How can you make your future comfortable? Your future is just an egoic idea buzzing around in your head. You can dream up anything you like there, to make your future comfortable.... It's all just ideas and thoughts.

Also, you realise that by focusing so much on your future, you are forgetting that you might not have one, right? I mean, you take for granted that you will actually live to see another day? This is where the tendency to "forget about being in the moment" comes from. When this moment becomes just a means to an end. When the entire purpose of this moment becomes only to reach the next one, or some future one. That's the world of ego. The world of the human rationalisation hamster. The world of unconscious drudgery. The world of "never enough".

just to talk with different people and be comfortable in my own skin

The thing that makes you uncomfortable is your ego. The kicker is that it's the ego that makes itself uncomfortable, because that's what it does. There is no such thing as a healthy ego, nor is there an unhealthy ego. Probably no such thing as a "comfortable ego" while we're at it. You are not your ego. "killing" your ego amounts to accepting that fact. Even just for a single second. Living free from ego however is a continuous, moment by moment type of deal, though it does become easier over time.

Try this one: consider, for a moment, that what you are experiencing RIGHT NOW is just a dream. It's completely irrelevant whether it IS a dream or not. Your ego (rationalisation hamster) is the thing that will make that call. Same way as your rationalisation hamster let's you go to sleep soundly in the ABSOLUTE KNOWLEDGE that you will wake up tomorrow. But of course you know that's not a certainty. But that's not gonna stop your ego from rationalising away things to be dealt with in the future. According to your ego, there is ALWAYS a future. Always one more second after this one in which you can do something. So, in the consideration of this being a dream, right now (or any moment), how would you know for sure?

Unplugging is a process where you begin to internalise this. Becoming "unplugged" is merely a state where you don't forget about it. Where your ego is acknowledged in the same category as breathing, or your heartbeat. Just another thing that you are conscious of. The key phrase here is "conscious of". The more you accept that this moment could be your very last, the more you accept the perfection of the present moment.

Example : today, I get home from work. It's a warm evening and my wife and kids are playing in the yard, having a water fight. I show up, unarmed, after a "long day at the office", and the subsequent commute. You can guess what happens next. I end up getting wet, but I notice that not a single fibre of my being gives a fuck about the water. It's not that I chose not to give a fuck: i just didn't give a fuck. My rationalisation hamster was screaming at me about how much "damage" the water was doing, but I didn't give a fuck. Of course, this whole scenario, and my reason for sharing it will sound like a joke. I was in zero real danger, my life was not threatened in any way. The only reason I am sharing it is to make the point that the ego (rationalisation hamster) treats these kinds of situations as though they were life threatening. It's absurd. My ego was screaming at me to treat this situation as though I had a loaded gun in my mouth, or was gonna jump out of a plane, or was being mugged at knife point.

Atta boy FearDearg2015, you done good. Have a cookie. You survived a water fight against the (heavily pregnant) oldest teenager in the house, and two kids under 4. Medal of honour over here please.

Or:

You chose to live that moment for all it was worth, instead of camping away in your thoughts about how things "should be different".

All that being said : the real challenge is not about living in the moment, that's easy. You just stop giving a fuck, and just stop taking everything so seriously. The real challenge is about taking conscious "right action" (I'm atheist, but the Buddhists are onto something) in every moment. The stoics say the same though (and so do probably all spiritual teachings at their core) so its irrelevant where you get your guidance from, what matters is that you OWN YOUR SHIT and live your life as it happens, right now, and not pay attention to the voice in your head which criticises you for the past or your lack of attention to the future. The less you do that, the more "in the moment" you become. And the more you can do that, the more you can live in that "flow state" where each moment of "right action" blends together into a fulfilling life of awesomeness (judged by your own ego, of all things) where you are the absolute master of your own universe. Because there was an eternity before you were born, and there will be an eternity after you die. And there was an eternity before THIS MOMENT and there will be an eternity after. But you can only ever be consciously aware of this moment, and the rest you can safely chalk up to the hamster.

cj_aubrey · 2016-06-07T03:34:27+00:00

She has had no chance to see new me in past few months, except that I am withdrawn and only communicate logistics, and don't get angry or indulge her in verbal fights.

You need to get to the point where you add value to her life (leadership, attraction) and demand what you want (sex, respect, submission) in exchange. The first step is to stop asking her for bluepill emotional bullshit (validation, approval, emotional support). The next step is to take her out of the driver's seat by not letting her run you around and control you to make you give her things (emotional availability, attention, chores) that she wants. Next start adding value to her life. Then start withdrawing it and demanding what you want in exchange.

as she has no other interests than getting drunk and gossiping

Take her to incredible things. Plan things and then take her. Yes, she will shit test you and try to knock down your plans at first. That's fine, keep going.

mrprider · 2016-06-06T18:20:06+00:00

You using your marriage as the measuring stick is worthless. Personal gains are the goal, the rest will fall into place, or fall away...

Question for you. What has she done to earn these fun times? It takes effort and work on your part, which you are already spending on you, for long term happiness. What does she bring to the table that requires you to set aside time for present day hedonism? Since you're rightfully put her back into a vetting process, vett her.

Honest question, I want to know.

mrprider · 2016-06-06T18:44:06+00:00

have realized my biggest flaw is that I have been too focused on making my future comfortable that I have forgotten to have fun in the moment today.

Ive heard it said before that people often get more excitement planning a long vacation than they actually have on the vacation. Whether you believe that or not as a man you should be enjoying the work because you know it's leading you to a goal which you know will bring enjoyment to your life. You focus on the macros because it'll get you a ripped defined body...then you enjoy the body. You focus on gaming because you know one day it'll be effortless...then you enjoy the game.

But in your case you seem to be focused on becoming better at gaming (youre not there yet) but at the meetup you didnt focus on game OR game successfully. The problem here is you werent trying to put in the work AND trying to enjoy the rewards. You kind of just glazed over on your goal. This is like ignoring the calories and saying "i suck at losing weight, and im not enjoying my doughnut". Or not leaving it all at the gym and saying "i suck at lifting, and im not getting that burnout high". You get the high because you did the work, and enjoy your body after youve reached the goal. Keep working, youre not there yet.

Chump_No_More · 2016-06-06T18:48:53+00:00

I have realized my biggest flaw is that I have been too focused on making my future comfortable that I have forgotten to have fun in the moment today.

The fact that you recognize this is major progress. Living in the moment and being content are both choices of intent and acts of deliberate will, so cut yourself some slack.

Take some time each day to slow down, meditate and cultivate a mindset of gratitude and self-love. The positive energy is infectious and will permeate all aspect of your life.

I think there's a 'Main Event of Self' when you fully internalize that all relationships are a distant second to the one you have with yourself. This is the 'There is no spoon' moment.

Flathatter45 · 2016-06-08T14:47:19+00:00

Just curious: what interests did you designate in meetup? I was thinking of trying that out myself.

Title	Let it go and feel the moment: Easier said than done
Author	mrprider
Upvotes	8
Comments	50
Date	June 6, 2016 6:05 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4mubtx/let_it_go_and_feel_the_moment_easier_said_than/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/let-it-go-and-feel-the-moment-easier-said-than.199895 https://theredarchive.com/post/199895

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