Bear with me, this is going to be a little long. This is part field report, part a heartfelt thanks, and part a cautionary tale.

I had been a life-long Blue Piller. Wife on a pedestal. Her needs first. Split the household chores even the years she was a stay-at-home mom. Gave up hobbies when money was tight. Always seeking to make shared decisions, or take turns for trivial stuff. Sappy romantic gestures. Gave her 2-3 O's with my tongue just like Cosmo said I should before getting around to "making love."

Without knowing anything about TRP, however, one day I started moving into RP territory. Going on 23 years of marriage, we were headed to a dead bedroom. We'd been through rocky patches a couple times, but there were always the kids to think about. Now they were launched. I was doing more and more choreplay and stupid romantic gestures to try to woo her. Finally I had enough. I did not hold frame, I blew up. We had an ugly fight, and I decided two could play her game. I quit fucking her. Quit even trying, which was the real issue, since it wasn't like we were fucking that much when I did try.

First two weeks, she did not even notice. After about one month, she tried to initiate, and I shut her down with a vague too tired. Six weeks in, she knew something was up and confronted me. I told her I was tired of her doling out sex to control me, or when she had an itch, and ignoring me the rest of the time. I told her I was trying to decide if our marriage should continue and while I did that, sex only clouded my judgement.

In the meantime, I went to counseling, but the advice I was getting sounded like my therapist was getting it from a women's magazine article. I knew that shit wasn't working. But I did realize from one day's discussion that I didn't want to leave my wife yet. Meanwhile she was going into overdrive working on me. Caught up on all her housework. Took over cooking (I am the primary cook usually) when I worked late. Made me a drink when I got home. Unsolicited back rubs.

Without knowing I was doing it, I started instilling some soft dread, spending more evenings at a professional society I am part of, and a volunteer group. So I was around less in the evenings, sometimes coming home after she was in bed asleep.

After about 3 months of no sex, I came home one night, dragged her into the bedroom and fucked the shit out of her. And things were better for a while. But I hadn't really made any changes to me, so things started to backslide again after about six months.

Then came the affair. A woman in my professional group, a new member, started flirting and asking me out for drinks or coffee after the meetings. She was mid-30s, divorced with a kid. Objectively a 6-7, but she kept herself in great shape, and in club lighting she could pass for a 28-year-old 8. I was a morbidly obese guy in his 40s. We see where this is going don't we?

In addition to sleeping with this woman, I also brought her in to sub-contract on some moonlighting projects I was doing. One Saturday I went over to her apartment—we had planned an all day work day on a project. Around lunch, this guy just walks in like he owns the place, and I get introduced to her new boyfriend. He's 10 years younger than me, with 10x my net worth. I didn't have the terms for it then. But she was trying to branch swing to an even better Beta Bucks, while keeping me in reserve. He fucked up her plan B by showing up unexpectedly (some BP mate guarding in play?)

But a couple of good things came out of it. One, I got cured of thinking that nobody would ever screw me but my wife. Two, I was angry at "losing" this woman, and wanted to get in a position to win her back, show her she was wrong, etc.

I embarked on a massive improvement plan. Keep in mind at this point I was vaguely aware of PUA from pop culture references, and never heard of TRP.

I quit my job and expanded my moonlighting into a full time consulting business. While that did not work out as I planned, I ended up getting hired by one of my customers for 2 times my old salary + equity.

I became more involved in my professional society and am now the President.

I became more involved in my volunteer/charity work and was elected to their Board of Directors.

I hit the gym. Went from barely getting through week 1 of SL 5x5 with the bar, and unable to do a single push-up, or walk more than a mile without getting winded, to intermediate strength standards, able to max Army PT for my age group, ran a 5k, and lost almost 75 lb. I still have about 30 lb. to go. It's a process.

I restarted my woodworking hobby, but now do most of it at a local maker space—learning from others and expanding my social circle.

I mentor at one program for adult women trying to break into my field, and another for college students.

Took up yoga and swing dancing classes. Began practicing mindful meditation. Made sure I had a social night with male friends or my brothers at least once a week.

I've not seen the object of my affair since that Saturday—more on that later, but boy did the wife notice all the changes. Funny, when I was having the affair, she didn't notice. When I started improving myself in the aftermath, she starting to worry I was cheating. Unlike the no-sex period, when she upped her housewife game, and was being nicer to me, now she just started throwing herself at me sexually. We were having more sex than at any time since our first kid was born.

But still things were rocky. We argued a lot over petty bullshit. She challenged me all the time over being gone. I tried to reason with her over my actions. Heh. Reason.

Then, around Thanksgiving, I found TRP and related subreddits. Now I had a framework and helpful advice for what I had been naturally trying to do.

I began to recognize and deal correctly with her shit-tests, something I had never done, ever. I took control of all long-term financial stuff. She still writes checks for the mortgage and utilities out of a household account. Retirement funds, investment accounts, insurance policies etc. are my domain. She gets input, but I get the final call on all big decisions. I make all the little decisions (where are we going to eat out, movie to see, etc). I was always good in the sack from a technical standpoint, but too sensitive. Now I just go caveman most of the time, and she loves it.

It's only been a few months, but all the stress and fighting are gone, and the sex is the best it has been in decades.

How far we have come was displayed on Valentines Day. We've not bought VD stuff for each other for 15 years. Neither of us ever liked the holiday. This year she got me a card. I chided her—said I thought we didn't do VD. Hey, she said, it's only a card. Then about 10 minutes later she told me she had a confession to make. She was giving me one more thing besides the card for Valentines Day. Then she got up, pulled down my pants, and gave me a 20 minute BJ—and swallowed. She never swallows. Even though I was BP, and she got her hymen broken by me in college, I got her to do some kinky shit at times. But she'd never swallow. She knew it was one of my favorite things—just through dumb luck, my three LTRs before I met my wife all did it without prompting. But my wife never, ever did. Until now. Two giant steps forward.

But all's not perfect in my world. Sigh. One step back.

One of the side jobs I did with my former mistress was very incentive-based. So we formed a new LLC to do that work and split the profit as partners, instead of her being my 1099 subcontractor. I had to contact her last week to get partner taxes done and wind down the LLC. In a couple of weeks, we'll see each other at my lawyer's office.

I find myself wanting her to see the reformed me. To want me back. Not that I'd take her. For one, my marriage is really working, and I'm no longer interested in an affair. Two, even were I single, well I learned some things in the aftermath. Talking about those things might DOX her or me. But knowing them, even if I were single, I wouldn't even plate her now.

Yet I still want her to want me. With her, I'm not outcome independent. My ego still wants to give back a little of the pain she caused me. But like I said, it's a process. And sometimes, when you are not there yet, just fake it until you make it. I'll go in, hold frame externally, sign the docs, and eject her from my life.

Besides the various reddit forums related to TRP, these resources really helped me in the past three months.

  1. Tomassi's Rational Male.
  2. Roosh Forums.
  3. Sex God Method.
  4. Meditations. I had to read parts of this in HS. Redoing it as an adult over 35 years later brings a whole new perspective.
  5. Book of Pook.

NMMMG didn't resonate with me. Parts of it applied to me, but parts of his solutions are kind of like wanting an Alcoholic to go to AA. He assumes you can't do certain things by yourself, but I was already most of the way there on my own. Just like I quit cigarettes cold turkey all on my own 30 years ago.

I know it's early, and I'm still probably going to get the mother of all shit and/or comfort tests down the road. But for the first time in a long time, my marriage is working. For the first time in a long time, I'm pretty happy. And not because my marriage is working. It's that my marriage is working because I'm happy. And confident. With a richer life and a ton of social proof. (You should see the wife react when we get around any of the women from my mentoring program, or run into a yoga classmate when we are out and about. )

So in closing this long winded ramble. Thank you brothers, for breaking the trail, and leaving some markers behind for the rest to follow.