It started with some deep difficulties with my marriage. Wife has some mental health issues that got particularly bad after our son was born. I became a caretaker doing everything I could to placate her. This increased her rages, to the point that it started to affect our son, and I started having horrible panic attacks. I started reading about her mental health issues to understand her problems better. I had a reddit account for related forums with a name that was boring and weak because I was afraid of what internet strangers thought of me. I don't know what do you call that situation, but I was overdosed on blue to the point of betamax.

Nothing I tried worked, I couldn't change her. After much frustration, by a process of elimination, I learned that I wasted all my energy on trying to fix her. I saw myself as her victim, which empowered her to keep doing the same bad dynamics. If I wanted to improve the dynamics, I had to work on myself. I had to become strong and powerful again to stop her rages. I learned a lot about myself, and had to process a loss of terrible abuse I suffered as a child to understand why I couldn't stand up for myself, why I become afraid of owning my needs. I started working on better boundaries and being more assertive. I started to organize my ideas as "strategies", these logical exercises help me stay cool in stressful situations. I have quite a bit of progress, but it is was hard and slow because I was inventing these things on my own through much trial and error.

These changes are working. I've made many mistakes, but even then, in a few months, looking back, there has been much improvement. I feel better, no more panic attacks, no sleep problems. My wife respects me more, we have less fights. Her sleeps problems decreased. My son has less tantrums. I don't fall for her control tests as often, and when I do, I recover more quickly. What used to be two-hours fights where she would insult me and go for low blows, I can now usually stop with one short phrase with the right tone of voice and body language that communicates "I heard you, but this is what I want.". I'm not perfect at that, but it is a huge improvement. Sex also started to get much better soon after, and she brought it up recently in a very flattering way. I intend to work more on these areas.

A redditor saw my posts, and realized I was reinventing the wheel, and sent me a message telling me about the book NMMNG. I started reading and it blew my mind. The author knew my childhood, knew how I thought, knew my fears and my problems, better than I did. He said things to me that I was always afraid to tell myself in a way I couldn't escape them anymore. I wish I knew this book years ago, it would have save me so much work and pain.

I decided to start talking to other guys about this, and be honest as a way to grow. It will take me a while to read some of the background material on the sidebar, and getting up to speed with the jargon. As a first step, I'm starting a new account where I make a commitment to empowering myself. No more victimization, no more blaming others. This is it.

Hi, I'm /u/strategos_autokrator, I'm a recovering Nice Guy. I'm committed to becoming strategically strong and in command of my life and my house. I will be responsible for my needs, and communicating them accurately. I am the strong man that my family needs. And when I make mistakes in the process, I'll own up to them, examine them, learn, and make amends. I won't dwell on them, but keep moving forward.

I'm here hoping for a welcoming community that will challenge me, and give me constructive feedback. I hope also that reading other people's stories, I can think strategically about them, and then translate those lessons to my own life.

Right now I'm interested in books and links with strategies for keeping my cool and in control when Wife is trying to start a fight. I can do that now much better than before, but it still bugs me inside, and I want to get better at it.

Also, I'm interested in starting some simple weight-lifting at home. I need to get some basic free-weight equipment that fits in a small basement in my house, and a guide to build a full-body routine that I can start soon. In the past I liked doing exercises focusing on big muscle groups, and more functional-strength stuff. Any links to guides for beginners on stuff like that would be great.