Essentials: 5'8" 155lbs 9% BF (bodpod assessment) Lifts for 5 reps - BP 170, OHP 120, ROW 140, SQ 280, DL 290 - Currently bulking because short guys need mass for presence and I look small as fuck in clothes (thanks Stone) - goal is 175lbs @ 9% which will probably be next year.
My main focus right now is on DL1, DL4 & DL6 - I was guilty of being a dancing monkey and still have concerns that I am but I am working through it and at least keeping an eye out for the symptoms. The easiest parts for me have been physical / hobbies / style so I focused there but the hard parts are really where I have seen the biggest ROI - passing shit tests, building my frame and learning about game. I was a career beta who's wife happen to catch him during an alpha IDGAF phase in college so I have a shit ton of work to do mentally.
I've been mostly focusing on AM / C&F at home to diffuse the litany of shit tests I've been getting which had been steadily ramping up. Admittedly I probably had been going a little rambo but the princess has a history of being too comfortable in our relationship. I have been pushing the envelope to show that I am man who likes sex, wants sex and will get sex as I am mostly on a drip fed diet of sex 1-2 times a month during ovulation. She actively was rejecting my kino and giving a lot of resistance to things like ass grabbing, pinning her against the counter, hard dominant kissing, pulling her into me hard, etc. Admittedly there was no build up and it was clumsy on my part which I need to address since I've learned I have zero game.
Well I could tell that things were building to a head as tension was rising in the house, she hated that I laughed at her or joked when she would get pissy. I had been doing some CF and AA when she would reject the kino which would get her more in a huff. Things came to a head when one night in bed I got rejected (yes fuck I know initiating at bed = bad, working on it) and she was blabbing on about my behavior in bed and always initiating. I just responded that if she didn't like being in my bed she could go sleep somewhere else and that I was getting bored and she needed to up her girl game. This set off a nuclear event that went on for 3 days. She stopped wearing her wedding rings (she has done this before when we were going to get divorced) and was just a cold harpy.
During that time, she came back to the bed and tried to kick me out of my own bed to which I just laughed and laid down and went to sleep. The next day she lost it again and unloaded a litany of offenses on me for my behavior from the start of MRP. I mostly STFU, fogged and pressure flipped as best I could - I did decide to judge myself on her offenses which I have included as well (second read through of WISNIFG was very helpful for me):
- You are a conceited asshole (because I am standing up for myself now and not letting her walk all over me sure sounds right)
- You are selfish (because I want to have fulfilling hobbies and a social life outside of her - I am only out of the house 1-2 nights week because of it and yet still own almost all the shit in the house)
- You care so much about your looks (of course I do who wants to be ugly)
- You spend too much time at the gym (most of my gym time is outside of family time and even if it wasn't its important to be healthy so I don't die early or get sick)
- You laugh at me and don't take me seriously (don't say stupid shit that you know you are just trying to get a rise out of me - some of this is probably just me understanding how the game works and her having no clue)
- You think I am lucky to have you (I think most women would probably want a man who steps up, takes care of himself and looks good)
- You say I should be more concerned when you don't touch me (yep relationships tend not to work well when there's no sex, flirting or affection)
- You are making decisions about finances even though I disagreed (we discussed, I listened but decided my plan was sound)
- I don't want to be with someone like you (guess we will see on this one)
I reset every morning over the couple of days that she is on another planet and didn't let her mood get to me. This was all leading up to a weekend where I was going away for a bachelor party for 4 days which I suspected maybe had something to do with it but I'll never know. I figured she would fuck my brains out before I left given the situation but instead she instigated a huge fight.
I was planning on spending time with her before I left and at one point I pushed her up against the counter and kissed her neck and she turned around and looked like she wanted to hit me and instead she ran away locked herself in the bathroom. She came out and made plans to go out - I definitely slipped a little beta and said that sucks I was hoping to spend time with you but I never begged her not to go. I told her go have fun and she could come home for some more fun later. She said maybe she would find somewhere else to sleep so I told her we were done if she didn't come home. As she was leaving she called me an asshole and I told her I am the gentleman asshole and held the door open for her. She did come home I initiated and got a No though it felt like maybe I could have pushed through. I reset in the morning said goodbye and gave a kiss and left.
I took some time on the bachelor party to act like I was single and completely ignored her other than trying to talk to my kids. For the first two days, she didn't even really want to talk to me and then the 3rd day she started getting sweet and chatty - I mostly ignored it because I was busy having fun. On the fourth day when I was headed home she was super interested in when my flight came in but it was delayed. I get home and she is in sexy pajamas - I thought about initiating but was exhausted so I passed out.
Fast forward to the next night - I am at BJJ and text her to see if she will grill up some food for me so I can eat when I get home. I've found it interesting that shes been very submissive to doing stuff for me other than sex during this whole process - sex has always been the sticking point. I come home she is cooking them and I give her some praise. We do some logistics stuff after the kids go to bed and then head up. I can tell she wants to fuck so I initiate - she stops me and asks why she should kiss me, I said because you want to she got angry and was like you could have said something nice and then I just grabbed her and kissed her hard. I had in my notes that sex was for me and I have been wanting to try new things (I was a beta always trying to please her which makes sex awful) so I get her worked up and then go turn on the lights (she never likes the lights on) and she said just dim them a little - cool I can work with that. We go at it and I was like fuck I'll just put my cock in her face and tell her to suck it - she does this maybe once a year when shes drunk and afterwards she has told me she felt like I took advantage of her. I'll be damned if she doesn't just start going at it and actually enjoying it. I got her to talk dirty and then dominated her a little bit and all in all was probably the best sex we have had in a long time. I gave her some praise and told her she got an A+ as a wife for the day which got me a sideways look but she seemed amused by it.
I decided this morning to address her wedding ring issue even though a few folks told me in the past to just let it go but at some point I need to be assertive and set expectations for what I expect in my relationship. I find it very disrespectful that she doesn't wear them when she gets angry at me. Its an immature, childish thing to do but I'm realizing that she doesn't have many other levers to push at this point so I can see why she does it. Its possible I should have just dropped it and by talking to her about it she will just keep doing it to piss me off but I had the conversation with her told her my expectations and will move on - I gave just a single fuck about it and that's all I got. One other thing I realized is I don't wear mine but its mostly because of lifting and BJJ and there's like an hour a day where I could actually wear it - I'm surprised she didn't call me on it.
During this conversation, she reiterated a lot of my offenses about how I was disrespectful by laughing at her, etc. but the tone was slightly less confrontational, accusatory and more calm than last week. She also was talking about us being partners and how for 15 years she ran things and always consulted me (this literally made me want to puke) and now I am just doing things without considering her. She doesn't want to be in a relationship like that. She also let out that she feels like now that I am a sexy hot man who handles everything that I think she should just go with it and feel lucky. I addressed most of this stuff with a little AA, fogging, negative inquiry and some STFU.
I can't tell if it was a shitty comfort test, her overtly addressing the power struggle or her trying to communicate I'm not doing a good job explaining my vision and where her part is in it. I have never gotten a comfort test so not even sure I could identify one.
I did let her know that I was no longer going to be a passive participant in my own life, that things are changing and that I do value her opinion and will consult her on major decisions to get her feedback. I honestly don't want to be a dictator and she has good ideas so it adds value to discuss some things with her but at the end of the day I will live my life how I see fit and she can join if she wants. I'm leaning towards this being that I need to be more clear on my vision and that I want her as my FO - not sure how to do this without using the metaphor but I'll figure it out.
I also have a whole bunch of other shit I learned from being "single" away in another city for 4 days, but that will be a post for another time I guess - everyone should do this with their buddies at least once because it will expose a number of weaknesses in your MAP.
That was a lot to unpack and I mostly posted so I have a record of my progress and in case it helps anyone else, but if anyone has feedback I'm open to it.