TL;DR my brain is fucked.

I’m 35 yrs old, wife the same age who other men still lust after, I still find her incredibly attractive, we have regular sex. Her n-count is 1 (me). She’s supremely intelligent, loyal, a fucking superb cook, and an even better mother. Oh and she stands to inherit millions whereas my parents will probably leave me about 10k between them.

Kids, dog, big house in the country with lots of land.

Self-employed for 6 months after leaving a job where the old (75) owner saw me as some ‘young buck’ threat to his position (didn’t help when colleagues used to say to him “Graham should be CEO not you”).

Since going self-employed I’m now earning more in a month than I did in a whole quarter at my old job. And working far fewer hours. Spending more time with my kids. Having more fun trips out.

Sounds perfect right?

I’m in love (fucking puke) with an ex-coworker, someone who besides their better body (due to being 8 years younger than my wife & no kids) is not fit to kiss my wife’s boots. A lowly fucking secretary, lower class, not as kind, poor family...

But I want her to the point that I would recklessly throw away my perfect fucking life just to taste her.

It’s been 8 months and I still feel the same way. It’s waned slightly, I’m not crying in the car on solo journeys any more but my chest still aches every single day.

Here are my symptoms:

  • waking up nearly every night at 2-3am and not being able to get back to sleep
  • some nights not falling asleep until 3-4am
  • heavy chest aches every day when thinking about her
  • heart palpitations/arrhythmia
  • dry heaving sometimes
  • short temper with the kids
  • lost the desire to do anything - many days I just feel like curling up under covers but I struggle on.
  • lifting makes me feel temporarily better but not really.
  • walking round in a brain fog/haze
  • not even looking at other women
  • erectile problems
  • random panic attacks (thankfully mild)
  • constant state of anxiety
  • overwhelming desire to see/contact ex-coworker, who wants nothing to do with me
  • constant researching stuff about how to get over someone online
  • not enthusiastic about anything
  • work is going well but I’m not putting 100% in
  • EXTREME BETA JEALOUSY: all it takes is for this girl to LIKE a picture of someone I know she’s attracted to and my heart flips into arrhythmia (I’ve always been prone to these). I dry heave. I have a panic attack. It’s truly PATHETIC.

Here’s the apparent ‘cure’ for oneitis:

  1. fuck other women. So I started to daygame. Made out with a couple of young attractive girls within hours of meeting them.

Then a club slut sucked my cock in a club toilet, bent over for me but I had whiskey dick (thank god).

Then I picked up a woman out shopping, she gave me the eye so I went full alpha on her - approached, gamed, took her back to her apartment and fucked her within an hour of meeting her. Then left like a bad-ass & haven’t called her.

First woman I’ve fucked apart from wife for 18 years. It felt good for 5 minutes. Then it felt absolutely shit. I felt like the scumbag of all scumbags. Still do really.

If anything, that experience took my mind off the other girl for 2 days after when I was freaking out, but now she’s firmly back on my mind.

  1. abundance. I have abundance, I’m tall, I get lots of hungry glances just walking round and when I do it in another city away from my home town I open, flirt and get numbers or instant dates.

I have no doubt that I attract lots of other women but I simply don’t want them, there’s no connection and I don’t have time to build a connection because I don’t want to be caught cheating. Again, scumbag.

  1. no contact. Tried this, but it makes me want to see her more. I don’t have her contact details & we’re not FB friends.

I can’t do therapy as I can’t hide the cost of more than 1 session from my wife, and also don’t want to spend our shared money on some shrink that could be spent on our children.

I was sexually abused as a kid, nobody knows except wife and mother (who I blame for allowing it to happen). Maybe this is the root of my problem, or maybe this is what a mid-life crisis is like.

Who fucking knows. What I do know is that I’ve hit rock bottom and am perilously close to blowing up my whole life if I don’t get a handle on this.

Please go easy...