Me: 41 , married for 14 years, 69"198 lb, work in IT in the silicon valley. Born and raised in India, did some schooling in the US. Arranged marriage: we were introduced by our parents (like a dating service, only cliche) had a short courtship period, then agreed to get married. Was never an alpha, was almost always a follower, not leader. Had a couple of girl friends, then met my wife. Three kids (9,5,3). I have gained about 30 lb in the 14 years of marriage. Sex was hot to begin with, got a BJ in her fathers house with her father knocking on the door and me holding it shut. And, then off course the downhill slide to the main event. Several disputes about not enough sex, boring sex, shouting matches etc. etc.

Found RP about 2 years ago after a 'main event'. Wife spent more time texting her friends than me, one in particular. One quick snoop in revealed a ton of "I love you" messages spread over many months. This is a very old friend of hers, they went to college together and work and live close by here in the valley. Having read the sidebar once, now reading twice, and the posts here would lead me to think they had an affair. Knowing her and her friend I doubt if anything physical ever happened....the wife's friend wouldn't do it even if the wife wanted. Having said that I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Anyhow, I confronted her, she said, "its girly communication etc etc." then blamed me of accusing her, then cried , I stood my ground unfazed. She later apologized and blamed her friend as she was a distraction. Imagine that hamster ! Over the years sex and affection had slowed down to once-twice a month duty sex. The usual excuses: "I am tired," "I dont feel sexy", blah blah....now I realize I was not sexy enough. Brad Pitt would have her humping in no time.

I never really followed up on RP after the main event. Sex improved for a few weeks after the main event, and then declined again. I found RP again about 5 months ago. Since then I have started lifting, dressing better, have read most of the sidebar. Found WISNIFG to be the most useful. Ironwork: Started with barbell 5 months ago. Now: Bench 160 x 8 x 3 Squat 175 x 8 x 3 Deadlift 170 x 8 x 3 OP 105 x 8 x 3 dumbbell row 65 x 8 x 3; alternate with Lat Pull down : 150 x 8 x3 Ab crunches: 14x3

Try to do weight training about 4 /week; but mostly manage 3/week. Have noticed good strength gains, some size, have not lost weight but body fat is down to 20-21 percent.

Have begun to identify and squash shit tests. Have not had a fight/argument in three months. Just refuse to engage in drama, mostly by not engaging, but on a couple of times made a statement "I am not going to do this," and then walking away.

Made some initial gains, sex became more frequent, did the newby thing: went Rambo with shit tests, nuked more than needed; Rambo at gym (lifted more than body could tolerate) , and even Rambo at work ( pissed an employee off). Since identifying the Rambo syndrome I have purposefully slowed things down. My initial readings repulsed me from woman kind, actually I still hold some anger and try not to let it show. I continue to get servant order tests in more subtle ways than I was ready to identify, and when I fail them I get mad at myself, really mad, but I realize its a work in progress. The usually accepted jokes of men needing approval from women, or at mercy of women, or at mercy for sex, or men being happy when women leave etc etc don’t amuse me anymore. I am also surrounded by the typical beta’s…fuck, I am still one of them.

During this time I also started to manage finances better. Money was never an issue and she took it for granted. This is where I faced a lot of resistance. Limits on shopping, eating out were not acceptable and resulted in drama. She also resisted changing employment when an equally challenging and better paying option arose. Had to work hard to support her through the transition but not take ownership of her decision to change jobs. I think she still resents me leading her in this direction. The rationale was simple: an increase in discretionary spending can only be allowed if more revenue is generated; but this was precipitated by a surprise $2000 dress shopping bill which resulted in my losing my cool and threatening to put her on a budget.

Over time:

  1. Saying no has become easier
  2. I have started to tease her like I would tease a child, smack her ass at will, pull her hair, pulled her panties down in the walk-in closet etc etc
  3. Don’t negotiate or demand sex, or give ultimatums.
  4. Ramp up soft no’s to hard no’s with ease
  5. Have begun to flirt…has become harder as I am angry at her more recently for withholding sex

Issues: 1.Bench Press has plateaued. Recommendations? I can squat and DL a lot more but only going up 2.5-5 lb at a time.

  1. Not losing weight or inches of waist. Have cut down junk food during the day, only eat a two egg omelet for breakfast, grilled chicken or lentil and salad(no dressing) for lunch; grilled chicken, fish, lentil and salad for dinner. Its the after dinner snacking when I lose control that gets me. Need to do a lot better. Started watching forks over knives. How do you combat an almost compulsive need to shove something in the mouth after dinner?

  2. Sex has slowed down again. She is at the new job, claims she is tired at the end of the day. The new job is actually slower, she is basically 'punishing' me for ‘forcing’ her to change jobs. I am trying to channel the anger at the gym but it feels inside that this will culminate in another ‘discussion’. Don’t want to do that. Need to master prize mentality.

  3. Struggle on how to respond to hard no’s: After a hard no, she goes to bed, and so did I. Now, I stay in bed for a bit then walk downstairs to do whatever, work on the bike, read, iron my clothes for the next day etc. She offered me sex so I would stay in bed once, asked me “you only want sex from me” on another occasion. My question is: What do I do the next day? I have read ‘withhold affection’ but that’s being butt hurt.

TLDR: The usual story, with an ‘arranged marriage’ twist.