I'm pretty sure I fucked this up. Had to break the first rule in confronting a loved one about drinking. We had a lot going on last night and she got a drink in before we talked. I was lamenting on whether to hold off on the convo because we have so much going on, but then came to the realization that it would never be the right time.
After the kids were in bed, I asked her how I could help her cut back on her drinking. I told her that I was concerned about the amount and frequency. She replied, "the amount she had been drinking was starting to way on her mind." She said she does it to escape, another flag I know. I explained that I prefer her sober to drinking, she is a lot more pleasant to be around and she has more patience with the kids. Her reply was she would be more conscience of that.
I really fucked up this next part, I said her needing a drink at 9am before our kids soccer game scares me, trying to point out the red flags. Instead of owning that its a huge deal, she just replied: "If it scares you, I won't do it anymore".
I then proceeded to tell her that imho a lot of the issues she's been having lately could easily be attributed to her drinking. Lack of weight loss, anxiety, sleeping problems etc... The only one she would agree with was the weight loss.
I asked again if there was anything I could do to help her, like me not drinking the 1 or 2 nights a week I do. She then went into a defensive spiel about not being able to ride horses anymore. How she doesn't have the time, money or resources. I asked about her taking a lesson once or twice a week just to be able to get on a horse. She said it's $50/lesson and we cannot afford it, which is total BS. I told her if $100/week is going to give her the outlet she needs to quit/cutback on drinking and improve her overall health then $100/week is a small price to pay. That's when her hamster went into overdrive with more excuses. I then realized I was trying to solve her problem.
Every problem she brought up, I had a logical solution for, but as we already know, she doesn't want me to solve her problem. So I backed off and just said, "I don't want to be in your way, if you figure out something you want to do/try I don't want me or the kids to be your excuse not to do it. You tell me what you want to do and when and I will make sure it happens and left it at that. She said I wasn't in the way...
Feeling like we were at a small crossroads, I just replied... "We will see how it goes". She then got defensive and asked "what does that mean". I told her I'm not going to judge you or tell you what to do. It just means that I've told you how I feel and we will see how it goes. She just looked at me like, how dare I put her in this situation or something. Then asked again, what does that mean. I got a little stern and replied, "It means I've told you that you get more defensive with me and less patient with the kids and if it doesn't get better then we will revisit the issue". She said ok.
So maybe I should have set a boundary, maybe I should have put her on a drinking schedule? She doesn't like anyone telling her she can't do something and she clearly doesn't see this as a big problem yet. She was very quiet and distant both last night and this morning. I found it very hard to be affectionate, but did anyway. I wanted her to know that things would go right back to normal on my end. This morning she was avoiding me a little. I really wanted to just leave for work, but I went ahead, pinned her down and gave her a 10 second kiss and told her to have a good day. She shit tested about the kids seeing which I ignored. Then left.
She doesn't know this, but I also talked with her father. He is a great sounding board and can keep his mouth shut, unlike her mother. I also did this because I wanted to tell him not to bring wine over anymore when they come to dinner. Usually she's already had vodka, then she will drink the wine and then more vodka after they leave. He agreed....
We have an out of town wedding this weekend and as mentioned in my other post a week long vacation coming up in about 2 weeks. I know she is going to want to drink at both and I don't think she can have 1 or 2 and stop, especially in those situations. I guess ultimately its not my problem, I just need to do me, I can't fix her. My concern is I can't always tell when she's had a lot to drink. She doesn't slur or stumble, her mood definitely changes, but its been so long since I've known anything else I'm afraid I won't always recognize it. Right now I just look at the vodka bottle when I get home and then again when I go to bed to keep track of how much is really drinking.
What are MRP thoughts on setting a boundary that she not discipline the kids after one drink? She really doesn't want to discipline them anyway and if she adhere's to it, maybe it will open her eyes to how much/often she is drinking?