666,886 posts

8 months in, 1st post.

by mrpjourney | April 21, 2017 | askMRP

16 upvotes

Reddit View

I figure it's time I introduce myself.

    42, been married for almost 20 years, we have 2 boys. I came here, like so many others because I wasn't happy with my sex life. I would initiate with my wife every night of the week, horny or not so that by the weekend she would feel guilty enough to finally say yes. It was my routine for a long time. Eventually it started to stretch to 10 days, then 2 weeks etc...

    She never starfished me however, she always got into it, orgasmed and would remain enthusiastic long enough for me to finish. However it was the same old positions, the same old way, lights off, in bed and we were always done in under 15 minutes.

     I've been lifting weights since I was about 20. In high school I was FAT, knew NOTHING about nutrition. Took a class on nutrition in college, started lifting with some friends. It wasn't until I started reading here that I realized the "side benefits" of lifting.

    Met my wife in college, 1st woman I met who had her shit together. Held my ground until marriage, that's when I started the beta slide. I was working 7 days a week after college making 6 figures, my wife was making a normal post college salary. We would fight over house chores, I felt that while I was at work on weekends, she should do the laundry, dishes etc.. She would say that she will only do those things when I'm there to do my share! This started my beta slide, I didn't know how to handle this shit test at the time.

Since MRP

    I will admit, I went to fast. Had my wife calling lawyers, she was convinced I was having an affair. She was PISSED I would begin withdrawing affection when she would withdraw sex. She is the type to immediately jump to a self destructive reaction instead of trying to fix herself or the situation.

    Finally she broke down and somewhat submitted. She was raised by an independent woman and a father who wanted a son. So she has a little tom boy attitude, can do anything a MAN can do etc.. My frame has gotten A LOT better, she tends to say things to bring me down to her level. They hurt, I was pissed and had trouble, even after all the reading, maintaining frame.

    Now I see it for what it is, her hamster, feels and lack of filter. It doesn't bother me near as much anymore. I still have some work to do, but I can at least STFU and seem un-phased. Its amazing how quickly her attitude can change when you don't enter her frame. Its also amazing how much more fragile my frame is if I miss a few days in the gym!

    I do everything now, I cook 95% of the meals in my home. I do 95% of the shopping in my home. I do about 60-70% of the laundry, dishes and other chores. It drives her crazy that I no longer just sit on the fucking couch and zone out to TV when there is shit to be done! She gets so antsy and nervous caught in my whirlwind of owning shit. She is starting to come around and do things without me asking her. She is also starting to ask for direction or how she can help. She comfort tests me constantly about what value she adds to my life besides a paycheck. She is worried I don't "need her", I just reply, "I don't need you, but I still want you".

    Sex is anywhere any time unless the kids or some medical condition gets in the way. I take what I want in the bedroom now, I don't ask, I just do. Some things are still off the table, like anal. And just recently I asked her, during sex, who's pussy is this and she replied "yours". But then after sex, she quickly came back and said "you know its not yours, right". In her mind, I don't own her in any capacity. I just STFU and didn't respond. She can say that shit, but the soaked sheets say otherwise!

I Struggle

    I struggle with fathering my boys. My youngest son can really push my buttons. My wife will coddle him and he will play her like he invented the violin. I'm setting boundaries with him and her. I try not to correct her in front of him and only set boundaries with her in private. This is hard when she is trying to discipline my oldest son however who she holds to a different standard. She will berate him until she makes him cry. She doesn't feel like he is respecting her or listening to her or taking her seriously until he shows some type of emotion. I'm not perfect, I loose my cool with my kids as well, but I quickly make up with them and correct myself, where she actually holds grudges. I've actually began to explain to my oldest why women act this way and am trying to get him to understand frame. While I expect him to respect his mother, I've explained that he doesn't have to get emotional or take her non-stop berating seriously.

    I struggle with not getting unsolicited blow jobs. I know I don't deserve them and its something she has never really done in the past. I don't ask for them anymore, I take them as a warm up to sex and sometimes I finish with them. I need to internalize why its so important that she want to suck my dick to completion just because....

    I struggle with her drinking. I drink maybe 2 nights a week, my drinking puts me in a laid back mood. Her drinking puts her in a shit testing mood. She struggles with a lot of insecurities, she can't even leave the house at 9am to go to one of our kids soccer games without a shot of vodka. Since my SMV is so much higher than hers, she is constantly comfort testing me about her weight, which she cannot lose because she drinks to much. I've approached her a few times about her drinking, she cries and knows its a problem. When she starts complaining about her not losing weight, I simply point out how much she's had to drink in the last week.

    I struggle with my weight. While I have a lifters body, my percent body fat fluctuates between 12-18%. I love to cook, I love food. Intermittent fasting has helped with this. I coach both my boys soccer teams, during soccer season my time is very limited. I still lift, but the cardio I normally add to help offset my eating is usually put on hold. It's also hard when my SMV is higher than everyone else in my social circle. I know, not saying much these days given the country we live in! On a side note, my wife constantly complains during soccer season that I'm never home, even though I'm literally coaching her son!

    I struggle with initiating and gaming my wife. Mainly because my need for validation from her goes unfulfilled. I still want her to initiate SOME type of affection, my wife doesn't cuddle after sex or any other time really. She rarely initiates any type of intimacy. I know this is MY JOB, but I struggle with the fact that she doesn't pine over me. I feel I deserve this even though I understand I don't. This isn't as bad as it used to be, it has gotten better both on my end of needing and her end of never doing. However I still struggle to game because most of the time she has a shitty attitude, either complaining about work or trying to explain to me why her life sucks. I need to learn how to bring her in my frame with teasing and A&A, but her drama can be relentless.

    I am struggling with finding my purpose in life outside my family. What do I fucking want? I have recently started back into one of my long time hobbies and it gets me out of the house 1 night a week. Outside of that, I'm still at a loss! I honestly don't know what makes me happy...

    I struggle with the hypocrisy that is feminism! Now that I can see, its hard to keep my mouth shut!

Work I've done

    I've read the sidebar and all the recommended reading material. I have to go back and reference quite a bit as I learn more from doing than just reading comprehension. I find that reading MRP and askmrp for a few minutes a day keeps my head in the game so to speak.

    Despite my injuries, I maintain a lifting regimen. I can no longer power lift and years of over training chest and not enough back has really taken its toll on me. I'm currently trying to correct this problem.

    I used to DEER everything! The understanding of this has been monumental in my ability to handle my wife! Understanding that her words mean shit and her actions mean everything is a game changer.

    I flirt more and am more receptive to women's advances. I look for IOI's and I'm overtly friendly with all women, ugly or hot. My wife has taken notice of this...

     I upped my wardrobe. I no longer wear t-shirts ever, unless I'm working out or in the yard. I no longer wear tennis shoes EVERY day! Brown shoes and a matching belt for me! My wife comes home and immediately gets into her pj's. I remain looking nice until I go to bed!

    I take the lead. Its true, women, despite what they say, really don't want to make decisions. I no longer ask what she wants for dinner, I just make dinner. I handle all the finances, really always have, she hates that shit and wants no part in my investment decisions. I'm fortunate that she isn't a big spender, rarely buys clothes or frivolous things and given her income, I don't feel it necessary to put her on a budget.

     Well that's me in a nutshell as it pertains to my MRP journey. I'm lucky to have a friend that was actually learning this before me. Having him to talk to is probably why I haven't posted before. This is my 1st post on reddit. I've done some research into formatting, but without a preview button I have no idea what it's going to look like after i hit submit!


Post Information
Title 8 months in, 1st post.
Author mrpjourney
Upvotes 16
Comments 18
Date 21 April 2017 04:10 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206254
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/66q5xn/8_months_in_1st_post/
Similar Posts

TRP terms found in post
Click to open them on Dictionary

Comments

[–]rocknrollchuck5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

I struggle with initiating and gaming my wife. Mainly because my need for validation from her goes unfulfilled. I still want her to initiate SOME type of affection, my wife doesn't cuddle after sex or any other time really. She rarely initiates any type of intimacy. I know this is MY JOB, but I struggle with the fact that she doesn't pine over me. I feel I deserve this even though I understand I don't.

To be a man is to have the ability to do what is needed rather than what is wanted, and to do so without an expectation of appreciation.

[–]Chinchilla_the_Hun1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

That's some marketable-level prose there rnrchuck. You? Or someone else?

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Someone else. Read it on here, can't remember who wrote it. I printed it and taped it to my computer monitor at work to remind me every day.

[–]mrpjourneyenabling fuck[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for this reminder...

[–]drty_prRed Beret5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

This is an awesome first post man. Good stuff.

One note though. Drinking every night is one thing. Having to drink a shot of vodka before a soccer game at 9am...that's really bad. Growing up around a lot of alcoholism, this is destructive behavior and affects your children so much. I've seen it time and time again. If she can't stop, you must remove them from her.

Other than that, keep.on keeping on man.

[–]trp_ocd10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Especially the formatting. +1

[–]bob13bob0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Get her in aa,. Vodka shots at 9am is alcoholism

[–]anythingincRed Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Great post OP, you seem to have come a long way and deserve a lot of credit

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CAGE_questionnaire

The CAGE questionnaire asks the following questions:

  • Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
  • Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
  • Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
  • Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

Two "yes" responses indicate that the possibility of alcoholism should be investigated further.

You gave her two in your post. "Eye openers" are pretty much 100% diagnostic of alcoholism or dependency as far as many doctors are concerned. I can nearly guarantee that someone that takes an eye-opener drinks more than you seem to be aware of from your post.

My wife will coddle [youngest son] and he will play her like he invented the violin....when she is trying to discipline my oldest son however who she holds to a different standard. She will berate him until she makes him cry.

As her dependent little baby becomes a full fledged man he becomes a target for her frustration and aggression. Troubling.

What would be the fall out of you "Owning your Shit" to the extent of removing alcohol from your house?

Alcohol dependency is very often associated with one or more of the following...

https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh26-2/81-89.htm

  • Mood disorders
  • Major depressive disorder
  • Bipolar disorder
  • Anxiety disorders
  • GAD
  • Panic disorder
  • PTSD
  • Schizophrenia

Anything ringing any bells? "The Struggle" to a great life is difficult with a sick 1st Mate. Me owning my shit has greatly helped my girl's GAD and PTSD, but being awesome doesn't make everything perfect.

[–]mrpjourneyenabling fuck[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Thanks for all the info. I like the idea of removing alcohol from our house, I know I would have no problems with it personally. Maybe I can introduce it as a trial period of 30 days? I know she got the most criticism when she was pregnant. Struggled with not "owning' her own body and being able to do what she wanted when she wanted etc...

I'll be honest, the thought of this proposal scares me a little. My assumption would be, if she agreed, she would just start hiding it. Which to an extent, she tries to hide some of it now.

I've also considered talking to her father about it to get his insight/help. I honestly have the best in-laws anyone could ask for. MIL shit tests me now and then, but shuts up pretty quickly with an A&A.

[–]anythingincRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

It would be pretty easy for me to say:

You can't fix her, you can only fix yourself and she'll improve or you'll leave her behind.

And that might be true, maybe you could get to a point where living with a functioning alcohol dependent isn't worth it or she decides to dry out and work on her issues. You don't owe her an attempt to help, and she'll probably resent or hate you for it anyway for trying to "force" her. Removing it from your house could eventually make her choose her family or booze.

That said, she is likely sick, alcoholism is a disease, and she probably has some other psychological issue that she is self-medicating. At MRP we usually say you help your first mate when they are sick, but when they are terminal the advise varies. Is she terminal?

[–]mrpjourneyenabling fuck[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

No, she has anxiety. She sometimes wakes up 1st thing in the morning, heart racing, doesn't know why.

She complains about her job a lot, but tells friends she loves it.

Complains she works to much, but she's always home by 5pm. I ignore most of this because "actions" over "words".

She has to take an ambien to sleep every night. Has about 5-10 prescription bottles in her purse at all times. BP, anxiety and I don't know what else.

I've definitely been more of the approach, I can't fix her problems, however I don't think I've really tried to "lead" her away from them either.

I've tried to research some of her behavior, I think she has a mild case of Borderline Personality Disorder. She loves to give people what she refers to as "shit" but can't take it when others return fire. When she does give people shit, its sometimes on a personal level, but she doesn't see it that way. Basically she doesn't know how to redass, she is a little socially awkward that way.

She can't sit in a quiet room, if we are watching a football game for instance with friends. She has to comment on EVERY PLAY! Not the highlight plays, but every play. I don't say anything, but I can tell it annoys people. She will constantly ask if you saw this guy do this or that guy do that and explain it over and over until she gets the reaction she is looking for...

[–]anythingincRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Mainly because my need for validation from her goes unfulfilled....she has anxiety

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/620ldc/need_some_advice_on_how_to_respond/dfj23fp/?context=3

I kinda go off here, but it might be applicable. Granted, I was pretty RP and then found her this way, you have 20 years of history to overcome.

I ignore most of this because "actions" over "words".

Agreed, but you can't tell her "I've got this babe" if she never tells you anything she's worried about.

I've tried to research some of her behavior

Yep, I have too many hours spent researching other people's shit, buried in their frame. Once you can diagnose them it's easier to blame them for everything instead of working on yourself.

You've been on your journey almost as long as I have, your introspection and awareness are top notch. You've seen the gains and successes, you know you can't go back. All that is left is fine tuning and time. You know you can reach goals, now you just have to decide to set them. I struggle with that too.

  • I struggle with fathering my boys.

There is a lot of value and happiness and goals to be had there. Coach a traveling team? Win a cup? Take your kids on a vacation/soccer camp trip this summer? All A's? "Yes sir/ma'am, No sir/ma'am" during conversations. Build a fort or computer together? Take their old Ipad apart and put it back together? Learn how to shoot skeet? Live in a cabin somewhere for a week on just what you carried in?

  • I am struggling with finding my purpose in life outside my family.

I think this is kind of like a koan. Life is meaningless, there is no purpose. You can choose one, or choose nothing, but picking something, or many things, or nothing and rationalizing it and exploring it does a body/mind good. Staying fit is a perfectly acceptable purpose. Wood carving, cars, fish tanks, gardening, volunteering, organizations all work too; they might not be perfect fits, but they either cross something off your list or potentially lead you to something that fits better.

I was working 7 days a week after college making 6 figures

That took some purpose and drive to do, that had some meaning, what was it? Remember? Even if it was just because you wanted cool shit or to go cool places, that's worthy. And why can't it be applied to anything else? Men your age buying a convertible is a stereotype because it happens, and it works at least for awhile. Smash the gas, smile. Top down, smile. Put the kids in the back, smile. That's life. We can't all write a novel or start a nonprofit.

Validation

We all want it. Find some sources for it, or decide you don't need it to be happy.

[–]mrpjourneyenabling fuck[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've also started thinking I need to document this stuff somewhere in case it ever comes to a head in divorce proceedings. Not that I feel where anywhere near that point.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

There's a lot going on in this post.

To throw some blanket solutions out there, you've got to start with having the difficult conversations but doing so in a way that it doesn't come across as a Me vs You discussion.

You know that you both have your issues, why not talk about your future goals togehter and how you can reach them. In it, include a vacation or expedition which requires some physical ability. From there you can talk cooking, drinking less, etc.

Make her feel like it was her idea. Have her teach you some tricks in the kitchen, even if you know them let her feel like she is an equal in planning this out.

Little will she know that you're helping her with drinking & her insecurities while raising your own standard as well.

My blog has plenty on creating a healthy sexual relationship as well as parenting advice.

[–]mrpjourneyenabling fuck[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you. We are actually going on vacation next month and I have many physical activities planned. Hindsight I should have involved her more with the planning, I'm just used to taking care of it.

I do struggle having any type of meaningful conversation with her. I need to learn to lead her better, no doubt. I'll check out the blog!

Also I didn't mean to make it sound like she is obese, she is actually in decent shape, just not to my level. She could easily walk/run a 1/2 marathon right now. Also, I don't put pressure on her to lose weight, that's all on her end.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great insight, don't just know you have to work on something, but actually work on it and apply it.

I didn't get the vibe she was obese, I was more focused on reducing the alcohol.

[–]2235520 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great post! I am only 3-4 months in, and really enjoyed reading this, and also can connect with a lot of things you have mentioned.

Fathering Boys - I have 2 boys, 6 and 4. My wife is similar to yours, little to no control over the kids. Best thing I found was spending time with the boys without the wife. Spend quality time with them alone, and be fun, easy going, and yet enforce boundaries. - Take them fishing, bike riding, hiking, park, do projects, etc But do it regularly/weekly, have routines where its only you and them. I take my boys for a coffee 1-2/week before school/kinder. I make them help out in the garden, or projects around the house. I take them to hardware stores, I play badminton with them one/one, and many other things. What helped with frame here, was imagining what I would do if I was a single dad.

I used to get really upset at my wife for not wanting to join us to do things as a family. Now I love spending time with kids alone (and their behavior with me is different, and they come for cuddles more often, and want to be around me more often) AND my wife now want to join us, and I tell her no, its our time.

Initiating/gaming with your wife - treat her like you would a new date. When you take a girl out on a date, its pretty much expected for the guy to do all the work. My wife used to complain a lot as well (still does...). One day I just had enough of it, and simply was not in the mood, and told her to stop complaining, and I am tired of listening to it (as long as its some bullshit about work/life ), she didn't like it, and I DGAF, the complaining has dropped off since.

Just like you, everyday I am trying to workout what my "mission" is, what am I working towards... Its a hard one.. Keep working on being the best you can.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I asked her, during sex, who's pussy is this and she replied "yours". But then after sex, she quickly came back and said "you know its not yours, right". In her mind, I don't own her in any capacity. I just STFU and didn't respond.

Instead of STFU, you should have asked her "Whose dick is this?"



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2020. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter