Divorced Fathers...How Do You Keep Out of Ex's Orbit?

over60_stupid_loner · 2016-06-24T17:46:32+00:00

I'm not a divorced guy, but I've known plenty of them. The way most of them did it was to lay down firm boundaries with their ex wives or soon to be ex wives.

--the only discussions they have with their exes deal with the kids or anything else relating to divorce or separation orders.

--no socializing at all with the ex. Nothing beyond common courtesy pleasantries you'd extend to the janitor at your office building or the cashier at the drugstore.

--no vacations, dinners, events or other things attended together with the kids. You are no longer a family. You are a single parent, and she is a single parent, and you parent separately, not as a family.

--no "just talking on the phone". She is not your friend or acquaintance. She is someone you have to deal with to take care of your kids and comply with court orders. That is all she is.

--no analysis of your marriage, your divorce, why it happened, or how it could have been avoided. No reminiscing, no lamenting, no woulda coulda shoulda, no even hinting at reconciliation. Don't do it with her and don't listen to her do it.

--no sex with her "for old time's sake", even if she wants it. Absolutely not.

And you enforce this with her hard, and you don't deviate from it.

Grey996 · 2016-06-24T18:18:01+00:00

Mine initiated / insisted on the divorce, then kept calling me when she was lonely / bored / in traffic. I told her "Look, you don't get to call me anymore. We're not friends. If you want to communicate something, send it in an email."

Kid transitions were at school. On specific days, she'd drop him off at school / camp, and I'd pick him up, so there was no contact.

Almost 100% of our communication was email for at least the first year.

That being said, fast forward many years, we have a good relationship. And the kid turned out great.

ex_addict_bro · 2016-06-25T07:40:59+00:00

Read "Say Goodbye to Crazy" by Elam and Palmatier. Watch Elam's youtube videos about Borderline Personality Disorder.

I contact her only via e-mail, once per month, we set up custody schedule for a month and WE'RE DONE.

I have a strict policy of NOT returning any of her e-mails, there is rarely a need for response. She wants me to get something for the kids? The kids will have it when they get back. I'm not responding to any e-mails.

When I come to get kids, I keep contact to the minimum. One minute max is preferably the best. I don't look at her, I don't look at her face or body. I don't enter the flat. I don't look into the flat.

When I get the kids back, I leave them in front of the door, ring and leave. I wait downstairs so I can hear she's opening the door for them. I am attending ANY events, family or school events she attends, INCLUDING THOSE ABOUT KIDS. Sorry but no. Maybe someday.

I explained reasons behind all of this to my kids. I was actually feeling so much anger that I introduced this system not to get myself into serious trouble. And, each time I get myself into trouble, my kids will also have trouble. But, every time I attack her I am attacking my kids too. So, there is no point fighting. There is point in keeping my head sane.

This little system of low-contact of mine allows 2 things: I won't get into trouble for beating up that piece of shit of a woman and she will not get beaten up by me. So, ultimately it is a win for my kids, bearing the situation. I wasn't with them at the finish of semester at school? I wasn't, I am guilty of it. But I also wasn't arguing with their mother.

I blocked her calls and texts. I read e-mails and I respond to e-mails. "But if there is an emergency". Fuck that, leave one hole open and she will crawl through it. Today it is "an emergency", tomorrow there is "but dem keeedz tho", next month it will be "but my partner broke an ankle".

Get a phone with a prepaid card for your kids.

Each contact with her is somehow draining to me. This is both reminiscence of healthy "pair bonding", of living with someone you perceive as "close" for many years, of codependency, of reading a bunch of "how to be an alpha" articles and taming your own want to validate to her just for the one more time because maybe this time it will be different.

Cut the fucking contact man. Ghost her. And don't tell me you don't need to be as hardcore, you are already looking for help from strangers on the internet.

EDIT: In the past ex sent me kids pics in e-mail every time she had a date planned in 1-2 days with another man. Every single fucking time she sent me some kid pics, she had fucking set-up. I doubt it was conscious. When I was having kids with me, she called them right before leaving on a date with a guy. So basically, this made me feel SICK. This woman used me and kids to get her some form of comfort, of security before jumping on strange dick.

So I took that away from her. She'll be fine.

OP, how do you think, why does she call you and talk with you for so long? Maybe because Chad has time only to get his cum spread on her face, then he has to go? I'm not telling you to despise this woman, she does what all women do. I'm telling you to get your fucking shit together and stop being a pussy. Unless you want to feel that salty taste of Chad's cum, then proceed.

Boesman12 · 2016-06-24T15:04:23+00:00

Yip. Grow a pair and grow a frame.

"Listen, I am more than happy to discuss issues regarding our children with you. Other than that, we are divorced and I am not available as your emotional tampon."

See, easy as that. Because surely as a man you have clearly defined bounderies? Yes.

blarggggggggggg · 2016-06-24T15:40:04+00:00

There are some websites and apps for managing joint custody in high-conflict cases so that all communications, parenting time, etc. can be documented - such as Our Family Wizard.

If she keeps this stuff up after you tell her you won't listen to nonsense and you have to keep hanging up on her, you may consider telling her all communications have to go through the website or whatever.

I heard a great quote recently - people don't treat you how you treat them, they treat you how you treat yourself. If you aren't honoring and respecting your time, why should she?

toolatebutnexttime · 2016-06-24T17:09:44+00:00

Before my ex lost all custody and disappeared I made her communicate by email. She could call for a true emergency only. A few times of hanging up when it wasn't a true emergency taught her to stop calling. My kids could call me from a prepaid cell phone that I got them. They could also use the phone to call her when they were with me.

I had an email address I didn't use that much anymore and told her to email that one. I also told her I would be checking that email on Mondays at 5pm (just what time was good for me). If it wasn't in the email by that time she would have to wait a week to let me know.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-06-25T15:18:23+00:00

I'm not married to you so I don't have to listen to your bullshit any more.

ColdEiric · 2016-06-25T17:57:07+00:00

But 90% of the calls I answer are actually just her wanting to talk.

The fuck are you allowing her your time, your commitment, your energy, your wisdom, your shrewdness, your anything to her, when she isn't your wife anymore?

Stop!

If she wants or needs to talk to you, make her send emails/texts so you have a paper trail, so she doesn't have plausible deniability of what she is doing to you.

UEMcGill · 2016-06-24T17:19:45+00:00

Bypass and ignore. Get the kids a prepaid phone so they can call you anytime.

Then tell her if she has specifics to email you ahead of time.

MaxLorenz · 2016-06-24T17:30:51+00:00

Here are a few options:

Answer every call, if you can. That removes her excuse that she's been trying to reach you for the kids sake. If she starts on a topic you don't want to discuss, you just state, "This is an issue for you to talk over with your friends, not your ex. Is there anything else you need me to know." If she persists, just repeat that over and over.
Tell her that your phone calls with her are not very productive. You'll take phone calls from the kids, but that anything important she has to tell you must come via text or email, so you both have a record of what was said.

Hope this helps!

youcantdenythat · 2016-06-24T15:59:09+00:00

If she goes on a rant, tell her politely tell her "that sucks... can I talk to the kids now?" Or change the topic by asking how the kids are.

Be polite but curt. If she talks about other crap, change the topic immediately to the kids or ask to speak to them.

Title	Divorced Fathers...How Do You Keep Out of Ex's Orbit?
Author	detachedbymarriage
Upvotes	5
Comments	43
Date	June 24, 2016 2:57 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4pnaiv/divorced_fathershow_do_you_keep_out_of_exs_orbit/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/divorced-fathershow-do-you-keep-out-of-exs-orbit.207368 https://theredarchive.com/post/207368

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