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MRP and Pregnancy - suggestions/ reading material

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May 28, 2016
8 upvotes

Found out that LTR is pregnant. I'm happy but wondered if there are any key points to take into consideration when applying MRP theory to my newly found situation? I've just posted in MRP a more detailed account of events so far:

https://m.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4lf69w/unplugging_mini_fr/

I've read some conflicting posts but the majority seem to say basically DO NOT change a thing. Carry on as I am...

Next on my reading list is WISNIFG and The Book of Pook.

Are there any books or articles that shed some light on dealing with pregnancy or what to expect? Obviously there are thousands but I'm unsettled to read something from a femme POV.


Post Information
Title MRP and Pregnancy - suggestions/ reading material
Author reborn_red
Upvotes 8
Comments 14
Date 28 May 2016 10:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207399
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4lhv8b/mrp_and_pregnancy_suggestions_reading_material/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGlong term relationship
Comments

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret4 points5 points  (11 children) | Copy

I found MRP when my wife was 3 months pregnant with our 3rd. I assume this is your first kid. A few suggestions:

  • Get a good book on babies.

  • Her emotions are going to be haywire. She's going to shit test you like a hurricane and be unreasonable. Some people say absolutely no dread (or progress?) during pregnancy, but I'm not sure I'd go that far. I think you should defend shit tests and be her oak, but don't get aggressive. I wouldn't do anything that could be thought of as "offensive" dread. Get your life together, lift (especially if you have in the past), develop frame, do all DIY and pass it off as manning up in correspondence with future increased responsibilities. But for gods sake don't start hitting on waitresses or staying out all the time. Women leave men because of lack of beta and I think this tendency probably triples in pregnancy, cause that's when it matters.

  • One of the legit reasons for women to lose all interest in sex is hormone changes, like what happens in pregnancy. Another legit reason is being nauseous 24/7, like a lot of women have for the first 3 months. That being said some women are super horny at times during pregnany. My wife was.

  • Don't assume asking for a glass of water is a compliance test when she's 8 months pregnant and having trouble moving around. On one hand she's carrying your kid, so help her. On the other hand she's carrying her kid too, so you don't need to pledge her your life in gratitude.

  • Don't be paranoid about paternity, but keep your eyes open.

I think /u/TheFamilyAlpha had a good post on Oak Moves During Pregnancy. That has some good stuff.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife never went through the horny phase. Sex was infrequent, but it is what it is during pregnancy. Also, be prepared for your wife to be exhausted 24/7 during pregnancy. Be prepared to be exhausted yourself for the first few months after kid is born unless you're rich enough to afford a live-in nanny.

[–]reborn_redUnplugging - pregnant LTR[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

I found MRP when my wife was 3 months pregnant with our 3rd. I assume this is your first kid. A few suggestions:

  • Get a good book on babies. I'm a fan of "The Baby Owners Manual" by Borgenicht and Borgenicht. Read it. There are two types of items you need for a baby: assets (crib, stroller) and disposable products (wipes, small size diapers). Make a list of both. Go get everything and organize it. Show her you're out in front of this and on top of it. Solid oak move.

Hi CJ, yes this is our first kid. When should I start buying the disposable stuff like nappies and wipes?

The reason I ask I because it's really early in the pregnancy and from what she and I have read it's the most dangerous time now where her body could reject the foetus amongst other thing....basically if I start buying loads of shit and she miscarries, it's going to be a lot harder if we have to bin loads of baby stuff.

  • Do a lamaze class so you understand the birth process but ignore all the nonsense about not using painkillers in childbirth. One of your jobs as a man is to make important medical decisions for your family if your wife is incapacitated (like in a coma) or too emotional (the baby isn't healthy). You don't need to become a doctor, but learn enough to be able to make informed decisions.

Wow. Thanks for this, I didn't even think about making decisions for her and baby in this way. Honestly in the UK there is this program on TV called One born every minute. All the dad's in the hospitals during labour just seem to either piss off their wives or panic like a mother fucker, I want to be her oak, so thanks for this.

  • Her emotions are going to be haywire. She's going to shit test you like a hurricane and be unreasonable. Some people say absolutely no dread (or progress?) during pregnancy, but I'm not sure I'd go that far. I think you should defend shit tests and be her oak, but don't get aggressive. I wouldn't do anything that could be thought of as "offensive" dread. Get your shit together, lift (especially if you have in the past), develop frame, organize your finances, do all DIY and pass it off as manning up in correspondence with future increased responsibilities. But for gods sake don't start hitting on waitresses or staying out all the time. Women leave men because of lack of beta and I think this tendency probably triples in pregnancy, cause that's when it matters. Then again, I had a main event at 6 months so you might want to go lighter than I did.

What do you mean by main event. I've heard this term on MRP. If it's a personal thing no worries.

  • One of the legit reasons for women to lose all interest in sex is hormone changes, like what happens in pregnancy. Another legit reason is being nauseous 24/7, like a lot of women have for the first 3 months. That being said some women are super horny at times...just not my wife.

A good friend of mine is expecting a baby soon, albeit with a recently new girlfriend. He said thier sex life went through the roof as she was super horny!

  • Don't be paranoid about paternity, but keep your eyes open. Blood type is a legit marker. If that doesn't match you definitely need to get a pat test. I think there is something about ear shape and cleft chin that are also pretty definitive hereditary traits. Most babies are paler than their parents at birth, don't worry about that if you're not white. But also ask yourself if there are any circumstances where you wouldn't want to be sure with a test. Remember that in a lot of places, if you don't dispute paternity within the first year, you will have to pay child support regardless of the biological reality.

I think /u/TheFamilyAlpha had a good post on Oak Moves During Pregnancy. That has some good stuff

Will check these posts out.

Great advice. Much appreciated.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

Uk specific advice:

Join an NCT group. Costs more than NHS but worth it. Go on their website and punch in your postcode and due date and you'll see what class you can join. Book it yourself. Attend most or all of the classes with her. Usually they are on Saturdays but each course has at least one women only session. Make friends with all the other couples, no excuses. They will all be having their first kid within a few weeks of yours, and will become your new friends basicly. Those guys will be going through the same shit as you, at the same time. The classes are funny. Don't be afraid to come across as a total Chad Thundercock "know nothing" in those groups. The polar opposite of the guy who knows exactly how many minutes should be between contractions before you go to the hospital. Of course, you NEED to actually know the details, so listen up when they are telling you what's up, but what I'm saying is that you can afford to be a bit cocky here. The class is aimed at the women, so there is no way you should be aiming to totally dominate the whole group, but you should be easily able to AMOG all the dudes in the group. Your girlfriend will likely remain friends with most or all of the other women (it's hard to say really, with all those hormones flooding the place). You should encourage her to make friends with them anyway. These couples will form most of your new social network after the birth.

With respect to the dudes of the group, they are more than likely in exactly the same situation as you. DON'T fucking mention TRP. That shit will not go down well. Just keep your ears open and pay attention to their stories. Keep your opinions to yourself for as long as possible (Dale carnegie: how to win friends and influence people).

Pro tip: there is a big emphasis on "skin to skin" contact as much as possible after the birth. Get your ass in the gym and get yourself a decent looking upper body. Then when the baby is born, have no shame in taking off your top and holding the little fucker against you.

There will be a "birth plan". Most girls who watch "one born every minute" want a water birth. It needs to be pre arranged, but it also means that all pain relief beyond "gas and air" is ruled out. Gas and air is fine mostly, but for a first time mother, I think an epidural is the most humane choice. Let your LTR lead this, and don't try to talk her out of a water birth if that's the way she is leaning. On "the day", pay attention to how she "feelz". Shit gets real pretty quickly once the contractions kick off, and maybe she wants to change her mind about the pain relief part of her birth plan. Epidural should be fine, but pethidine seems a bit too aggressive to me. Maybe /u/irateMD might say something more on this. From what I've heard, it can make the baby a bit groggy after birth, and the woman may not remember a whole lot of what is going on.

In general, I would recommend watching one born every minute for a good primer on what not to do. It's a reality TV show, and the couples who get air time seem to be chosen for TV and entertainment value. As expected.

We've had 2, with a third on the way, in the UK. Neither of the births went "as planned", but the NHS staff were brilliant nonetheless. Childbirth is traumatic, so make sure you have your head screwed on before that.

Regarding dread etc during the pregnancy, there is unfortunately not a whole lot to say there beyond "go easy". In my experience, as the pregnancy progresses, she will more and more start to be taken over by "baby brain". Nesting etc. You, and your "needs" will become less and less important to her. Expect this and accept it. It's biology. Don't take it personally. Focus on owning your shit, and learning how to self validate. Once the baby comes, it will be her absolute top priority. Again, it's biology, so just accept it.

In terms of preparing yourself for the reality of a newborn, try setting a recurring alarm on your phone to kick off every 2 hours. Newborns feed relentlessly. Often continuously in my experience. Even though it's only for a week or two, it takes its toll. Also, try staying awake all night and then going to work the next day. Then, after you've done that, watch your mood the next evening. You'll rage at the slightest provocation. Watch out for that shit. Enjoy these last few months of being in total control of your own time, because after kids, a whole lot of your time evaporates before you even realised it was happening. Get used to having a "mission" instead of a "plan". The objective must be reached, and the objective trumps any plan that was there before. "no plan survives first contact with the enemy".

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Epidural should be fine, but pethidine seems a bit too aggressive to me. Maybe /u/irateMD might say something more on this. From what I've heard, it can make the baby a bit groggy after birth, and the woman may not remember a whole lot of what is going on.

I approach childbirth as a series of risk management decisions with contingency plans. The priorities are mom's safety, then baby's safety, then everything else. Opioid drugs like morphine or pethidine are systemically absorbed, affect mom's brain, and can make the baby less inclined to breathe. Allergic reactions can also occur. When it's too late for an epidural and mom is freaking out, we say, "We can give you morphine if you need it, but here are the potential risks..." Some take the drug, some don't.
 
Epidurals have their own risks. Dural puncture happens between 1% and 0.1% depending on who's doing it. An experienced senior resident is often better than an attending anesthetist. There are a bunch of potential side effects for mom, but it's safe for baby.
 
I agree with FearDearg2015 that she has to make her own decision, but she may lean on you for advice. Don't pressure her one way or the other with respect to pain control options.
 
Remember that you are part of the pain control plan. A trusted person in the room lowers the perception of pain during childbirth.
 
Don't let anyone convince her to have the baby at home. It helps with pain, but some emergencies need immediate C-section or other intervention, and half of those emergencies are not predictable. The obstetrician is there in case things go bad.
 
If I were giving birth, I would want a hospital birth attended by a midwife, but with an obstetrician immediately available on the unit. It's the best of both worlds. For pain control, I would want an epidural with the catheter left in place. It allows them to get the dose just right, and allows the anesthetist to top up the meds to facilitate an emergency procedure and avoid a general anesthetic if the need for C-section arises.

[–]reborn_redUnplugging - pregnant LTR[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't let anyone convince her to have the baby at home. It helps with pain, but some emergencies need immediate C-section or other intervention, and half of those emergencies are not predictable. The obstetrician is there in case things go bad.

We are both firm on hospital birth. Not sure it's a big thing in the UK for home births anyway.

Thanks for the input. Appreciate it.

[–]reborn_redUnplugging - pregnant LTR[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Uk specific advice:

Join an NCT group. Costs more than NHS but worth it. Go on their website and punch in your postcode and due date and you'll see what class you can join. Book it yourself. Attend most or all of the classes with her. Usually they are on Saturdays but each course has at least one women only session. Make friends with all the other couples, no excuses. They will all be having their first kid within a few weeks of yours, and will become your new friends basicly. Those guys will be going through the same shit as you, at the same time. The classes are funny. Don't be afraid to come across as a total Chad Thundercock "know nothing" in those groups. The polar opposite of the guy who knows exactly how many minutes should be between contractions before you go to the hospital. Of course, you NEED to actually know the details, so listen up when they are telling you what's up, but what I'm saying is that you can afford to be a bit cocky here. The class is aimed at the women, so there is no way you should be aiming to totally dominate the whole group, but you should be easily able to AMOG all the dudes in the group. Your girlfriend will likely remain friends with most or all of the other women (it's hard to say really, with all those hormones flooding the place). You should encourage her to make friends with them anyway. These couples will form most of your new social network after the birth.

NCT earliest group is November. Our due date is around 15th January. Will suggest these to her.

With respect to the dudes of the group, they are more than likely in exactly the same situation as you. DON'T fucking mention TRP. That shit will not go down well. Just keep your ears open and pay attention to their stories. Keep your opinions to yourself for as long as possible (Dale carnegie: how to win friends and influence people).

Pro tip: there is a big emphasis on "skin to skin" contact as much as possible after the birth. Get your ass in the gym and get yourself a decent looking upper body. Then when the baby is born, have no shame in taking off your top and holding the little fucker against you.

There will be a "birth plan". Most girls who watch "one born every minute" want a water birth. It needs to be pre arranged, but it also means that all pain relief beyond "gas and air" is ruled out. Gas and air is fine mostly, but for a first time mother, I think an epidural is the most humane choice. Let your LTR lead this, and don't try to talk her out of a water birth if that's the way she is leaning. On "the day", pay attention to how she "feelz". Shit gets real pretty quickly once the contractions kick off, and maybe she wants to change her mind about the pain relief part of her birth plan. Epidural should be fine, but pethidine seems a bit too aggressive to me. Maybe /u/irateMD might say something more on this. From what I've heard, it can make the baby a bit groggy after birth, and the woman may not remember a whole lot of what is going on.

Yep, I thought the water birth looked easier but didn't realise about the limited anesthetic options. We haven't talked about this yet properly. We have our first doctors appointment booked which I will be attending.

In terms of preparing yourself for the reality of a newborn, try setting a recurring alarm on your phone to kick off every 2 hours. Newborns feed relentlessly. Often continuously in my experience. Even though it's only for a week or two, it takes its toll. Also, try staying awake all night and then going to work the next day. Then, after you've done that, watch your mood the next evening. You'll rage at the slightest provocation. Watch out for that shit. Enjoy these last few months of being in total control of your own time, because after kids, a whole lot of your time evaporates before you even realised it was happening. Get used to having a "mission" instead of a "plan". The objective must be reached, and the objective trumps any plan that was there before. "no plan survives first contact with the enemy".

I'm expecting this, I have a lot of colleagues that have just had or are having babies. One guy looked completely fucked for about 6 months after the birth...

Thanks for taking the time to write this, there's a lot I can take away.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, and most of those guys who look fucked for 6 months or longer are the ones who go around feeling sorry for themselves, taking shit care of themselves so that they look fucked so that people give them sympathy. Don't be that guy. It's gonna take its toll on you, yes, but don't make that into this little story that you tell people. "the obstacle IS the way"

[–]reborn_redUnplugging - pregnant LTR[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

One of my concerns is seeing these guys who don't even try and lift because they're so "tired", yet work late without being paid and are at the mercy of there wives.

I've been lifting for years, had a few injuries but besides that, gym is a big part of my life. I've got a few places I can drop baby off with family so I should be ok.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

When should I start buying the disposable stuff like nappies and wipes?

Don't do very much (or tell people) before three months. If she miscarries its your job to quietly dismantle the nursery.

A main event is where your wife credibly and seriously threatens to divorce you to try to intimidate you back into your position of beta, and you call her. Whoever needs the relationship less has more power and a main event proves (and frequently switches) who that is.

[–]reborn_redUnplugging - pregnant LTR[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks CJ. Appreciate the responses and advice.

[–]JuniperSunshineSomebody's wife0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is all excellent advice. I still really admire how great my hubs was when I was pregnant. If your gf is pretty sensitive normally, I also encourage the no dread/ increase the beta/ holding frame advice. Also, I was always exhausted for all 9 months. Falling asleep at 7 pm or not finishing the housework is not usually a shit test. Once I stopped breastfeeding I always had plenty of energy and a tidy house again.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, here's the key point that you need to take into consideration: you're going to be a father.

That means that you are responsible for doing your best to shape circumstances for another human being so that he/she is best poised for success and not failure that diminishes the world.

Here's my advice for you. Learn to take the long view. Every situation, including the pregnancy and the actual birth, is just a temporary one. You'll soon be on to something more challenging.

Better make sure you are ready. Good thing for you that you've got nine months to get there.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes. Long game you and the role you will play as a father. Do nothing close to active dread. Get it in your head that divorce could very well happen. Accept it.

Once I did, I could easily see the madness in her eyes. Wife's face looked brittle. Learn to see those indicators and comfort them without being submissive about it.

Good luck Dude. Best time of my life was unplugging, getting fired into the sky like a space monkey. But fuck you get to stand for something worthy of your time.



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