marriage in ruins, but we have child together (xpost from /r/askTRP)

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May 19, 2016

Hi there, I'm really lost right now and could use some advice.

I'm 30 and I lived my whole life as beta. my ideal evening was to get stoned and play some video games. I got married few years ago, with best friend, everything seemed fine, I never thought we have any real issues, 2 years ago we decided to have a child and so we did. fast forward to 2 months ago, my wife told me wants to break up, that she can't see us being happy in the future and that she probably never really loved me, not more than a friend.

my first reaction (ok, not first, my first reaction was my poor son will have divorced parents, same as I had) was that it is actually good, I will finally be able to do what I want and stop pretending I like things I don't like. I saw myself in own apartment, stoned constantly doing what I want.

then, some 2 weeks ago I somehow found out about TRP, started reading and started to realize few things. first was hypergamy and realization that my wife doesn't love me because I'm a beta looser who never achieved anything. second thing was that I wan't to change, I decided to start to work out, be more productive at work and at home. I stopped smoking week completely and stopped playing video games.

on one side I do it because I want to be better man, but on the other side, I somehow believe that if I change my wife will change her mind and we can be again together. please mind, this is not a case of Oneitis, I loved my wife, but I realize she wasn't perfect wife at all. but there is my son, he isn't even 2 years old and I firmly believe that growing up in complete and happy family would be the best for him.

if it wouldn't be for our son, I would just move out and started all over again, but now, I really don't know what to do.

TL;DR: my wife wants to break up, I discovered TRP, but I also want what is best for my 1,5 year old son and I believe that is growing up in a complete family.


thanks for all the answers. I read them all, I read sidebar and I'm already in process of reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I work out 6 days per week, I started eating healthy and stopped completely with smoking and gaming.

yesterday was first night in last months I slept happy. I realized what are my priorities, my son first and I'm the second. anything else is not important now. it is really strange how much can change in one day. I really don't care now if we break up or not. yea, it will be nice if we work it out together, but if we don't, it is not the end of the world. most important thing for me now is to do everything in my power to make sure my son won't end up like me in 30 years.

once again, thanks everyone.

Post Information
Title marriage in ruins, but we have child together (xpost from /r/askTRP)
Author FutureRealMe
Upvotes 8
Comments 37
Date 19 May 2016 01:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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betahypergamythe red pillNMMNG

[–]abdadaRed Beret10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy

Stoned playing video games at 30, I think you need to work on yourself. The marriage is something else to blame, the kid is something else to blame, the real blame is in the mirror 100%.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know how he does it. I tried Pot after leaving the service... It puts me to sleep so fast, I don't see the point. Just zopiclone and a sore throat the next morning.

But yeah OP, adbaba knows his shit. you're basically too late to try to do shit about this. All you got is fixing your dumb ass...

Same script for every man, you aren't special. sidebar, own your shit, and get to work

[–]FutureRealMe[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I really don't blame anyone else, I realized this is my mistake.

I just wanted some pointers to what to do now. but I believe I have the answer. I should work on myself. to change. that is the most important thing now.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Very simple. MRP sidebar, hit the gym, read like your life depended on it (because it does)

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can't answer the question for you. AskTRP will probably tell you to next her and move on. It's probably the right decision, now.

The problem is two fold. You have a shitty marriage, and more importantly you have a shitty you. You need to fix yourself first. You can put blame on your wife, you can focus on having a "nuclear family" for your son, but until you become awesome it's all a facade.

The answer isn't "Your son will grow up best in a complete family", there's plenty of stories here where guys grew up in a house with an alcoholic dad and a codependent mom; but they were whole families! Your son will grow up to be a good man if you are a good leader, a fair father, and a great example. Maybe that's with your wife, or maybe its not, but until you become great, you can't answer the question.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Your marriage is failing because you suck.

Suck less and if you want to save it, you might be able too.

Either way, you need to be the best masculine man you can because if you aren't - your son will turn into a 30 year old weaksauce fuck like yourself.

There is always hope - but you married this chick under certain 'rules' for the two of you. If you change the rules now, there's no saying how it will end. She may jump onboard the improvement train or she may continue with her departure and find a motivated dude who has his life together.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Wifey dropping divorce papers is a little late to sprinkle alpha on it, don't you think?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It won't hurt to try, but yes my gut agrees it's too late.

At least he can become a masculine single dude

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

fast forward to 2 months ago, my wife told me wants to break up, that she can't see us being happy in the future and that she probably never really loved me, not more than a friend.

Translation - she's not attracted to you, but married you because she thought that having a reliable man might make up for it. Now she realizes she was wrong about that and can't spend her one life with a man she isn't attracted to, and thats a fair point of her side. Your solution is to stop doing unattractive things and to start doing attractive things. Same problem that brought all of us here, only solution any of us have found.

[–]bornredd2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Here's the deal: Your wife told you 2 months ago that she wanted to end things. Has she taken any steps to do so? Met with an attorney? Filed papers?

If not, then while you are most definitely NOT in the clear, you do have a little bit of time to salvage this marriage if you want to.

The secret is:

Don't work on your marriage.

Just work on you.

Your wife wants to be happy with her man. She craves a man who will lead, and be attractive, and treat her like a woman. You aren't that.

Good on you for dropping pot. The first week of that is always the worst - the dreams come back, you feel weird, life sucks. So build on your success:

  • Shut the fuck up
  • Lift
  • Fix your diet
  • Read
  • Work

In that order of priorities. Lifting will raise your energy levels. It will cause you to drop fat. You will grow muscles. Your posture will improve.

You should do all of that regardless of whether or not you decide to try to fix your marriage. Your marriage is broken because you have been broken. Fix you, and your marriage might get fixed too, but there's no guarantee. However, if you fix you, your son will respect you when he's old enough to realize how cool his dad is.

I dropped video games hard about 8 months ago now, and I don't really miss them. However, breaking the instant gratification dopamine fix was not easy. Here's some steps that helped me:

  • Uninstall ALL mobile games. Those things are shit.
  • If you have any other timewasting apps (reddit?), delete those too.
  • Reward yourself with an gratifying experience when you reach a goal.
  • Learn 10 different ways to cook chicken (this sounds dumb, but if you really fix your diet, you're going to be eating a ton of meat and fish. Chicken gets bland after eating enough of it).

Bust your ass and report back in a month. If she leaves you in those 4 weeks, there is literally nothing you could do.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

She did fuck a bunch of dudes and not even bother keeping it from him.

I'm pretty sure he waited until the bullets were in the air before he tried to learn kung fu

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He may think he knows Kung Fu, but he is definitely not ready to dodge bullets...

[–]bornredd0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He hadn't brought up the infidelity when this was written.

Once I saw that, I facepalm'd so hard.

I was a stoner video game player too, but man... wife fucking other dudes and he knows about it?

[–]FutureRealMe[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

We still live together and probably will be for some time. Neither of us wants to be without the little one but she is also afraid to take care of him just by herself. She also have something with her colleague, but she claims his only a fuck buddy...

I already started working out (6 days per week) and drastically changed my diet. It is only been 2 weeks but so far everything goes great, hope it is because my motivation (to be better father for my son), not just initial euphoria.

What I need to work on is "shutting the fuck up", I'm so used to share everything with her.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'll say the same thing I said over in /r/asktrp.

but on the other side, I somehow believe that if I change my wife will change her mind and we can be again together.

This is what is called a "covert contract." You think that by doing X, it should cause your wife to do Y. It won't.

Spend some time deciding what you really want. For example, I don't believe you when you write this:

if it wouldn't be for our son, I would just move out and started all over again, but now, I really don't know what to do.

I think your TL;DR is more accurate. You want the complete family. Despite it being an unpopular opinion here, that is ok! Just make sure you own it. My advice would be to do these things:

  • Figure out what you want (stay in the marriage or not)
  • Tell your wife, once, in a serious and declarative way, what you want
  • Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and do the exercises. (This book will help you realize how you've been in her frame for a long time and will help you begin taking ownership of your own life, for you.)
  • Begin living your life for you
  • Take care of shit around the house--fix broken things, build a garden, take some ownership of the house. This will give you something to do and work towards.

In all of this, make yourself happy. Then, whatever she (or you) decides about the marriage, you still have contentment in yourself.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

my ideal evening was to get stoned and play some video games. I got married few years ago, with best friend, everything seemed fine

Whoo boy, I sense a disaster.

she probably never really loved me, not more than a friend.

A woman got her fuck prize and decides to cash out? Say it isn't so!

my wife doesn't love me because I'm a beta looser who never achieved anything.

FTFY- women and men love very differently. Your wife does NOT love you the way you think and she never did. Women love opportunistically. She wanted your fuck prize. That was her opportunity. Now she has it so there is no reason to "love" you any more.

Read Rollo on Men and Women in Love.

I stopped smoking week completely and stopped playing video games.

A very good first step- this is your "Red" and you have stopped it. Now fill up the space with "Green."

I somehow believe that if I change my wife will change her mind and we can be again together. please mind, this is not a case of Oneitis

Yes it is. Much better for you to be happy than to be a pussy begging weak man who capitulates to 'the boss' in everything. What kind of example is that for your son?

First, I would treat your wife's "I want to break up" shit as what it is- the mother of all Shit Tests. I would not take her seriously or give her drama or validation in any way for statements like this. Ignore her, amused mastery- and most important hold frame!

Second, I would continue your improvements and move from losing your loser behaviors to adding some winner behaviors. Do this for YOU, not for the relationship. Your wife is likely to respond to the changes and will not mention "break up" again. If she does, amused mastery, don't let her affect you etc.

Third, develop other options while remaining open to a reconciliation with your wife. In most cases, the second you are able to get somebody younger, tighter, hotter than her she suddenly realizes what a great thing she had.

Fourth, read my Levels of Dread post (and/or my book).

[–]FutureRealMe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

thanks for all the advice!

I'm currently reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, so I will add your book on the list!

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

You know what's going on here. You're a beta loser, your wife thinks she can do better, so she's going to try. You read the stuff, you seem to get it.

I think you're going about this the wrong way though. If you do this stuff with the goal of getting your wife back, you are essentially starting in her frame and will only finish in her frame. Do this shit for you, and for you only. The benefits will trickle down to your son whether your wife sticks around or not. Honestly, having divorced parents isn't ideal, but it also isn't the end of the world. You need to be willing to let her go if you want to become the kind of man she comes back to. It's sort of like a catch-22.

Focus on you and your son, let your wife go if she wants. Alphas don't chase girls, they get chased by girls. Go out and become a man girls chase and an example if a strong male for your son. Your wife should be secondary in all of this, honestly though, probably like 3rd or 4th down the list.

[–]FutureRealMe[S] -1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

this is exactly what I want to.

I just have to score some girl soon as I'm unable to connect anything sexual or relational with anyone else but my wife.

I didn't thought so, but I feel much better after sharing this here and getting all the replies.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't think you need to worry about getting another girl soon, you need to take the pussy off the pedalstool and go into monk mode.

Go to a strip club and see how cheap pussy really is. It's not the focus and shouldn't be the focus. You are the focus of your own life.

Take 6 or 9 months to transform yourself without thinking twice about any bitches or any shit like that. You have alot of work to do.

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I just have to score some girl soon as I'm unable to connect anything sexual or relational with anyone else but my wife.

Umm, no. I don't think you truly understand how deep in the hole of dis-functionality you are. The fact that you think scoring with some girl is going improve any aspect of your cluster-fuck of a life only shows how thoroughly out-of-whack your value system has become.

You are mired in a failed blue pilled paradigm that you've allowed to rob you of your manhood with no self-worth, no self-respect and no direction. Time for a change, I think.

You need to read everything on the /MRP and /TRP sidebars... twice! You need to start eating well. You need to start lifting. You need to develop personal discipline and an adult work ethic. You need to develop career and financial goals that nourish your soul and give you and your son a comfortable quality of life.

Lastly and most importantly, you need to be bold and have a vision for the kind of self-aware and fully actualized life that you (and your son) can be proud of... and then fucking make it happen!

EDIT: Typos

[–]FutureRealMe[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are right, today after reading all these replies and advices I actually feel good about myself for the first time in months. Just yesterday it was all about her, I went yo sleep everynight with hope that we will get back together. I've been telling myself it is because of my son, but it was also about her.

Today all I care is to be the best father possible for my son, with or without her.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What do you want out of life? You probably have no idea yet.

A video game playing weed smoking dad... Hmmm, I guess that would be cool ( no that would be fucking awful)

First, Forget what she is telling you. Go work out, stop smoking up ( good job now stay with it) and get hobbies, interests, and male friends. Hopefully masculine friends.

Whether she leaves or not during this time is exactly besides the point. You can use that information later when you are not a manlet.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I see that TRP has advised you to let her go for now and focus on yourself. The comments here suggest the same priorities -- yourself first, then see if she follows.

Here's my take: Once she leaves, its much more likely that she'll never come back. But, if she's only raised the topic of leaving, you have a window to turn things around. The first steps are the same:

  • Kill your covert contracts. Any changes you make must be for yourself first, your son second, and your wife/marriage last.
  • Sell the video games, get rid of the weed, clean up your mess.
  • Start lifting, fix your diet, get on a proper work/sleep schedule.
  • Take charge of your finances, evaluate your job/prospects.
  • Read the sidebar, set some goals, create your MAP (Male Action Plan).
  • Tell her you are focusing on your shit, and this will take some time. Then keep your head down and STFU.

You've got an uphill battle in front of you. This isn't something you just fix in 2 months or a year. You need to figure out your priorities, whether that's saving your marriage for your son, or simply working to be a better father regardless. You may realize in 6 months that divorce is actually the best path, but this is what it means to be a man -- taking responsibility for your past choices, and making better decisions going forward.

Having a child is so much more rewarding that acting like one yourself. You've had a good run, kid, but now it's time to adult.

[–]dandar46000 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Are you still living together? If so, read the sidebar, lift, upgrade your wardrobe, work extremely hard at home fixing any outstanding shit, improve, seeing your changes might still change her mind.

If you are not living together, read the sidebar, lift, upgrade the wardrobe, get some hot plates or a girlfriend. When she sees that you found a girlfriend hotter than she was, she might flip her shit and actually want you back. Pre-selection will work in your favor.

In the meantime, either way see a lawyer and fight for custody. If she is faced with losing time with her child she will suddenly change her tune. Right now she thinks you're a stoner that will be happy seeing your kid once every two weeks. Prove her wrong.

[–]FutureRealMe[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

We live together, will be for some time. Initially we decided I will move out and she will have custody, but 2 weeks ago I told her I'm not willing to loose my boy just because I'm loosing her.

She is not perfect neither, she has her own problems she needs to fix up and I don't think she is ready to jump to another relationship. Ofcourse this can change any time. Now she only has a fuck buddy and she claims it has no perspective to be anything else.

[–]dandar46002 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Now she only has a fuck buddy and she claims it has no perspective to be anything else.

Whoa, WTF? Why didn't you put that in the op? You're reading, you're lifting all that's missing is a lawyer. Do you want your kid to grow up in a home in which parents are fucking other people and barely tolerate each other? What kind of an example do you think that sets? If you improve yourself and stay do you think she will ever respect you?

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Holy shit -- talk about burying the lede! She's sleeping with another guy, out in the open, while you're married? Hate to say it, but I'm not sure you can come back from that. I'm not sure why you'd want to. I understand that you don't want to break up your family for the sake of your son, but I think the train has left the station.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Surprised she isn't pregnant too.

OP loves hiding those tidbits

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just workout, read and chill.

Try to live in the moment and take it easy. Concentrate on being present and living right now, don't worry about what's going to happen in a few years. Worry about giving your son good attention while you are with him and even your current wife.

Nothing is going to change over night, but you can build on a little everyday, feeling pumped daily. Changing your situation in life and status as a man

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

marriage I am in ruins, but we and I have child together

Refocus your problems.

[–]SOAADDICT0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I realized what are my priorities, my son first and I'm the second.

It might not feel like it right away, but that connection to your son, your heir, the future of your bloodline, will feel better than any weed and video game session ever did.

This is just the beginning. Once you stop rejecting that primal bond to him you will be opened up to a world of joy and pain beyond anything you've ever known. Enjoy the ride.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What's best for your son is that you immediately make getting your shit together your first priority. If you can do that, AND you work YOUR ass off to make sure he is ok, then he will be ok. It won't be easy, but you can make it happen if you want to badly enough and you are willing to work to make it happen.

That hard work might cut into your getting stoned and playing games so I guess it depends on how badly you want what's best for him.

He may only be two now, but he is going to grow up and fast, and the lion's share of your relationship with him will be when he's an adult.

Better get your ass out of the starting blocks Dad.

[–]redpotatowedge-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

I don't remember where I read this but try counseling. Maybe MMSLP. Not because counseling will work, but because it will buy you some time to fix your shit and hopefully your wife will notice.

If she doesn't at least your shit is fixed and your kid will have a real dad to look up to.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Most of the time, marriage counseling is like giving your wife a baseball bat and the female/mangina "counselor" a baseball bat and standing quiet while they take turns hitting you in the balls. "Therapy" consists of teaching you how to squeeze your balls tightly so the blows are more painful.

[–]redpotatowedge0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Agreed. But if he really wants to save his marriage it may give him enough time to establish some frame.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just killing the videogame shit and working out will work fucking wonders.

Ya, I agree on giving him some time on the marriage with a counselor

The idea of implementing Dread through level 3 would work wonders especially if he wants to keep the LTR and fix it

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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