marriage in ruins, but we have child together (xpost from /r/askTRP)

abdada · 2016-05-19T13:29:58+00:00

Stoned playing video games at 30, I think you need to work on yourself. The marriage is something else to blame, the kid is something else to blame, the real blame is in the mirror 100%.

UEMcGill · 2016-05-19T13:20:59+00:00

I can't answer the question for you. AskTRP will probably tell you to next her and move on. It's probably the right decision, now.

The problem is two fold. You have a shitty marriage, and more importantly you have a shitty you. You need to fix yourself first. You can put blame on your wife, you can focus on having a "nuclear family" for your son, but until you become awesome it's all a facade.

The answer isn't "Your son will grow up best in a complete family", there's plenty of stories here where guys grew up in a house with an alcoholic dad and a codependent mom; but they were whole families! Your son will grow up to be a good man if you are a good leader, a fair father, and a great example. Maybe that's with your wife, or maybe its not, but until you become great, you can't answer the question.

[deleted] · 2016-05-19T13:58:35+00:00

Your marriage is failing because you suck.

Suck less and if you want to save it, you might be able too.

Either way, you need to be the best masculine man you can because if you aren't - your son will turn into a 30 year old weaksauce fuck like yourself.

There is always hope - but you married this chick under certain 'rules' for the two of you. If you change the rules now, there's no saying how it will end. She may jump onboard the improvement train or she may continue with her departure and find a motivated dude who has his life together.

cj_aubrey · 2016-05-19T15:47:21+00:00

fast forward to 2 months ago, my wife told me wants to break up, that she can't see us being happy in the future and that she probably never really loved me, not more than a friend.

Translation - she's not attracted to you, but married you because she thought that having a reliable man might make up for it. Now she realizes she was wrong about that and can't spend her one life with a man she isn't attracted to, and thats a fair point of her side. Your solution is to stop doing unattractive things and to start doing attractive things. Same problem that brought all of us here, only solution any of us have found.

bornredd · 2016-05-19T18:58:53+00:00

Here's the deal: Your wife told you 2 months ago that she wanted to end things. Has she taken any steps to do so? Met with an attorney? Filed papers?

If not, then while you are most definitely NOT in the clear, you do have a little bit of time to salvage this marriage if you want to.

The secret is:

Don't work on your marriage.

Just work on you.

Your wife wants to be happy with her man. She craves a man who will lead, and be attractive, and treat her like a woman. You aren't that.

Good on you for dropping pot. The first week of that is always the worst - the dreams come back, you feel weird, life sucks. So build on your success:

Shut the fuck up
Lift
Fix your diet
Read
Work

In that order of priorities. Lifting will raise your energy levels. It will cause you to drop fat. You will grow muscles. Your posture will improve.

You should do all of that regardless of whether or not you decide to try to fix your marriage. Your marriage is broken because you have been broken. Fix you, and your marriage might get fixed too, but there's no guarantee. However, if you fix you, your son will respect you when he's old enough to realize how cool his dad is.

I dropped video games hard about 8 months ago now, and I don't really miss them. However, breaking the instant gratification dopamine fix was not easy. Here's some steps that helped me:

Uninstall ALL mobile games. Those things are shit.
If you have any other timewasting apps (reddit?), delete those too.
Reward yourself with an gratifying experience when you reach a goal.
Learn 10 different ways to cook chicken (this sounds dumb, but if you really fix your diet, you're going to be eating a ton of meat and fish. Chicken gets bland after eating enough of it).

Bust your ass and report back in a month. If she leaves you in those 4 weeks, there is literally nothing you could do.

[deleted] · 2016-05-19T13:38:37+00:00

I'll say the same thing I said over in /r/asktrp.

but on the other side, I somehow believe that if I change my wife will change her mind and we can be again together.

This is what is called a "covert contract." You think that by doing X, it should cause your wife to do Y. It won't.

Spend some time deciding what you really want. For example, I don't believe you when you write this:

if it wouldn't be for our son, I would just move out and started all over again, but now, I really don't know what to do.

I think your TL;DR is more accurate. You want the complete family. Despite it being an unpopular opinion here, that is ok! Just make sure you own it. My advice would be to do these things:

Figure out what you want (stay in the marriage or not)
Tell your wife, once, in a serious and declarative way, what you want
Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and do the exercises. (This book will help you realize how you've been in her frame for a long time and will help you begin taking ownership of your own life, for you.)
Begin living your life for you
Take care of shit around the house--fix broken things, build a garden, take some ownership of the house. This will give you something to do and work towards.

In all of this, make yourself happy. Then, whatever she (or you) decides about the marriage, you still have contentment in yourself.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-05-19T14:25:22+00:00

my ideal evening was to get stoned and play some video games. I got married few years ago, with best friend, everything seemed fine

Whoo boy, I sense a disaster.

she probably never really loved me, not more than a friend.

A woman got her fuck prize and decides to cash out? Say it isn't so!

my wife doesn't love me ~~because I'm a beta looser who never achieved anything.~~

FTFY- women and men love very differently. Your wife does NOT love you the way you think and she never did. Women love opportunistically. She wanted your fuck prize. That was her opportunity. Now she has it so there is no reason to "love" you any more.

Read Rollo on Men and Women in Love.

I stopped smoking week completely and stopped playing video games.

A very good first step- this is your "Red" and you have stopped it. Now fill up the space with "Green."

I somehow believe that if I change my wife will change her mind and we can be again together. please mind, this is not a case of Oneitis

Yes it is. Much better for you to be happy than to be a pussy begging weak man who capitulates to 'the boss' in everything. What kind of example is that for your son?

First, I would treat your wife's "I want to break up" shit as what it is- the mother of all Shit Tests. I would not take her seriously or give her drama or validation in any way for statements like this. Ignore her, amused mastery- and most important hold frame!

Second, I would continue your improvements and move from losing your loser behaviors to adding some winner behaviors. Do this for YOU, not for the relationship. Your wife is likely to respond to the changes and will not mention "break up" again. If she does, amused mastery, don't let her affect you etc.

Third, develop other options while remaining open to a reconciliation with your wife. In most cases, the second you are able to get somebody younger, tighter, hotter than her she suddenly realizes what a great thing she had.

Fourth, read my Levels of Dread post (and/or my book).

cholomite · 2016-05-19T14:31:06+00:00

You know what's going on here. You're a beta loser, your wife thinks she can do better, so she's going to try. You read the stuff, you seem to get it.

I think you're going about this the wrong way though. If you do this stuff with the goal of getting your wife back, you are essentially starting in her frame and will only finish in her frame. Do this shit for you, and for you only. The benefits will trickle down to your son whether your wife sticks around or not. Honestly, having divorced parents isn't ideal, but it also isn't the end of the world. You need to be willing to let her go if you want to become the kind of man she comes back to. It's sort of like a catch-22.

Focus on you and your son, let your wife go if she wants. Alphas don't chase girls, they get chased by girls. Go out and become a man girls chase and an example if a strong male for your son. Your wife should be secondary in all of this, honestly though, probably like 3rd or 4th down the list.

[deleted] · 2016-05-19T14:04:36+00:00

What do you want out of life? You probably have no idea yet.

A video game playing weed smoking dad... Hmmm, I guess that would be cool ( no that would be fucking awful)

First, Forget what she is telling you. Go work out, stop smoking up ( good job now stay with it) and get hobbies, interests, and male friends. Hopefully masculine friends.

Whether she leaves or not during this time is exactly besides the point. You can use that information later when you are not a manlet.

PurpleVeteran · 2016-05-19T15:13:16+00:00

I see that TRP has advised you to let her go for now and focus on yourself. The comments here suggest the same priorities -- yourself first, then see if she follows.

Here's my take: Once she leaves, its much more likely that she'll never come back. But, if she's only raised the topic of leaving, you have a window to turn things around. The first steps are the same:

Kill your covert contracts. Any changes you make must be for yourself first, your son second, and your wife/marriage last.
Sell the video games, get rid of the weed, clean up your mess.
Start lifting, fix your diet, get on a proper work/sleep schedule.
Take charge of your finances, evaluate your job/prospects.
Read the sidebar, set some goals, create your MAP (Male Action Plan).
Tell her you are focusing on your shit, and this will take some time. Then keep your head down and STFU.

You've got an uphill battle in front of you. This isn't something you just fix in 2 months or a year. You need to figure out your priorities, whether that's saving your marriage for your son, or simply working to be a better father regardless. You may realize in 6 months that divorce is actually the best path, but this is what it means to be a man -- taking responsibility for your past choices, and making better decisions going forward.

Having a child is so much more rewarding that acting like one yourself. You've had a good run, kid, but now it's time to adult.

dandar4600 · 2016-05-19T17:21:44+00:00

Are you still living together? If so, read the sidebar, lift, upgrade your wardrobe, work extremely hard at home fixing any outstanding shit, improve, seeing your changes might still change her mind.

If you are not living together, read the sidebar, lift, upgrade the wardrobe, get some hot plates or a girlfriend. When she sees that you found a girlfriend hotter than she was, she might flip her shit and actually want you back. Pre-selection will work in your favor.

In the meantime, either way see a lawyer and fight for custody. If she is faced with losing time with her child she will suddenly change her tune. Right now she thinks you're a stoner that will be happy seeing your kid once every two weeks. Prove her wrong.

screechhater · 2016-05-19T21:16:12+00:00

Just workout, read and chill.

Try to live in the moment and take it easy. Concentrate on being present and living right now, don't worry about what's going to happen in a few years. Worry about giving your son good attention while you are with him and even your current wife.

Nothing is going to change over night, but you can build on a little everyday, feeling pumped daily. Changing your situation in life and status as a man

Persaeus · 2016-05-20T11:38:45+00:00

~~marriage~~ I am in ruins, ~~but we~~ and I have child ~~together~~

Refocus your problems.

SOAADDICT · 2016-05-21T02:18:08+00:00

I realized what are my priorities, my son first and I'm the second.

It might not feel like it right away, but that connection to your son, your heir, the future of your bloodline, will feel better than any weed and video game session ever did.

This is just the beginning. Once you stop rejecting that primal bond to him you will be opened up to a world of joy and pain beyond anything you've ever known. Enjoy the ride.

[deleted] · 2016-05-19T13:33:42+00:00

What's best for your son is that you immediately make getting your shit together your first priority. If you can do that, AND you work YOUR ass off to make sure he is ok, then he will be ok. It won't be easy, but you can make it happen if you want to badly enough and you are willing to work to make it happen.

That hard work might cut into your getting stoned and playing games so I guess it depends on how badly you want what's best for him.

He may only be two now, but he is going to grow up and fast, and the lion's share of your relationship with him will be when he's an adult.

Better get your ass out of the starting blocks Dad.

redpotatowedge · 2016-05-20T06:08:03+00:00

I don't remember where I read this but try counseling. Maybe MMSLP. Not because counseling will work, but because it will buy you some time to fix your shit and hopefully your wife will notice.

If she doesn't at least your shit is fixed and your kid will have a real dad to look up to.

Title	marriage in ruins, but we have child together (xpost from /r/askTRP)
Author	FutureRealMe
Upvotes	8
Comments	37
Date	19 May 2016 01:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/207417
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4k2deb/marriage_in_ruins_but_we_have_child_together/