Another thread on Frame - frame control in the marriage

cholomite · 2016-01-20T14:17:35+00:00

She is doing the planning and making decisions because you delegated that project for her to handle. That is the frame you want to have. She's dropping off the kids at the doctors and asks you to grab some milk on the way home? You're just helping out the family by being a good captain, still in your frame. She plans on doing a certain activity with the kids and asks you to help out in a reasonable way? Still in your frame. At work I ask my boss for favors, he understands that to get things done the exchange of services has to go both ways. As long as you're still the one with overall control and the final say, you and her are still in your frame. That's all I can think of, if you have a better more specific example it might be easier to give feedback.

Countpudyoola · 2016-01-20T14:56:29+00:00

Half (or more) of management is being good at delegating tasks. It's the same concept.

Micro managers suck and are inefficient, so are captains who to the same.

MRPguy · 2016-01-20T18:47:18+00:00

We (or I) can't be the leader all the time. There are areas that wifey is naturally better at, and even if I could lead these I simply lack the time to plan and do everything (house, self improvement, job, kids etc..)

Sure you can. A good Family Alpha KNOWS that he can't do everything, so he leads his family to ensure those items get taken care of. Delegate things. Work alongside your wife. When she is handling tasks, be present and make it a happy situation (emotion will generate TINGLES).

Leading does not = doing it all yourself or knowing everything.

LaV-Man · 2016-01-20T19:11:32+00:00

Ever seen a general drive a tank? Sure they can do it, but they are not the best at it. The PFC or CPL that's been the driver for a couple years is much better.

The general doesn't drive the tank, he tells people where the tank needs to be.

You should do things that remind her that although she's at the helm she's following your plan. Example: Ask for a 'status report' on tasks she's taking control of. Don't make suggestions, or give orders, but ask a question like "Is that the best way to do it?"

If she responds with "Well, yeah it's the best way to do it." Then give her a "Great, carry on."

She may actually say something like "Well, if I did this it might go faster..." approve the change.

The trick is to make her feel like even though she's in charge (of that one thing) she answers to you, and you are ultimately responsible. After all if she gets in trouble, who is going to bail her out?

stargazer35 · 2016-01-21T09:08:18+00:00

Thanks for the replies guys. Its good to know frame doesn't mean having to lead everything! I like the idea of rewarding her for leading her stuff well too, need to give that a go. Flowers always seem to work well for wifey.

strategos_autokrator · 2016-01-26T12:44:26+00:00

You have to lead ALWAYS. Good leader don't have to best at everything. Thinking you have to makes you a bad leader. Good leaders are good because they have a vision, but they delegate to others in ways that work very well. Heck, if your wife is doing a good job, do notice how it adds to your vision and reward that.

We can't tell you what to delegate, and the MRP is not about micromanaging everything. Fighting over stupid ship is losing frame. But the point is that it adds to your vision, and she understand that. For example, you have a vision of healthy kids. So you think about these things. If she takes them to the dentist, reward her because it adds to your vision.

Ultimately, if she does something wrong, or there is an emergency, since you lead, you are responsible for it. When she complains about being overwhelmed, you can give comfort. But you can't complain of seem to be overwhelmed, this is your ship, you are the captain, you can't ever blame someone else or pass the buck for the responsibility.

druganswer · 2016-01-21T00:12:20+00:00

As everyone else said: you delegate. If she's really handling a lot and nailing everything she needs to do, grab her something nice (a movie rental she's been wanting to see but you may not love, her favorite chocolate, a flower arrangement for the dining room table... whatever. If you're not to the point you're comfortable doing that a simple thank you works as well) out of the blue to say 'good job.' Watch her melt in your hands because she did a good job for her man and she got a reward or some acknowledgement.

quote, "Her genuine desire for you, hinges on getting her to enter your frame."

Worry less about her genuine desire. Always be in your frame. Worry less about other people in general, work on your inner confidence and practice IDGAF and OI. Don't mold yourself to be someone you're not, but be the best version of yourself you can be. This will work on a lot more than your wife. If you really are on your game you will have strangers, bartenders, bouncers, basically anyone you meet out, treating you a lot better. Kind of weird examples, I know, but those are all people that will treat you very differently based on small and very shallow interactions so they are almost like mini pop quizzes of how your frame is doing at the moment. Their first point to judge you on is your looks and then your "personality"... that's what they say... but really I've noticed it's more about your frame than anything.

Once you're a strong masculine man your wife should already be coming along nicely... but she will get a nice nudge when strangers start treating you like a VIP (or whatever VIP is in her mind - better than she expects strangers to treat strangers). It may not always work depending on the person you're interacting with but as you progress watch how much more shit you can get away with. And then watch your wife start bragging to friends about how you "got away with something", or "talked your way into something", or whatever.

Title	Another thread on Frame - frame control in the marriage
Author	stargazer35
Upvotes	2
Comments	7
Date	January 20, 2016 1:20 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/41uao4/another_thread_on_frame_frame_control_in_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/another-thread-on-frame-frame-control-in-the.207720 https://theredarchive.com/post/207720

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