Wife working causing problems

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-23T05:22:03+00:00

You are the captain. Your first officer is raising a concern to you about the direction you are leading. What do you do?

You have mountains of debt. Cool. That's reality. What are you doing about it? What's your plan? Is your current lifestyle "stuck in a rut"? It doesn't sound like you are captaining your ship. It sounds like you've thrown yourself on the mercy of the weather and are just clinging on hoping that the ship doesn't break apart in the storm, and hoping that sometime soon, things will get better when the clouds part. That's not much of a "plan". Are you in charge of managing finances? I'm not gonna tell you that 250k should be enough, but I am gonna tell you that if you think it's not enough to facilitate the life you want, then you have a responsibility to increase that income. Make a plan to double it, for example. You'll notice that this is easier said than done. So what. That's no excuse. You are gonna have to get creative.

As for her coming home from a "hard day at the office" and being less than impressed with your less than cheery disposition : stop hamstering. You need to man up here. If you are a SAHD, you need to OWN that shit. No moping around comparing your life to hers. No trying to compete to see who has it worse. Lead your family to a future of happiness and prosperity.

Practical steps? How about telling your wife to arrange some remote working hours? Maybe her career isn't suitable for those? How about telling her she needs a new career? She's not into that? OK, then set about doubling your own income. Make a plan to have a combined earning of 500k in two years.

You are at a disadvantage in the "tingles generation" department because of your current lifestyle. Pick up the slack. Get out of the house more when she is around. Find some opportunities to increase your income. If she decides that you are not worth it, and branch swings to some Chad at the office, because he makes her all tingly, then you are gonna need more income anyway. If she divorce rapes you, you will be financially crippled perhaps. Get your head out of your ass and start owning your shit. I don't know you, but I'm gonna go ahead and call you lazy. You are hamstering excuses for yourself to validate that laziness. That's weak sauce man. Cut that shit out.

I think the key thing you need here is some creativity. Improve your finances, improve your own happiness. Stop drinking the grog and sober up. You sound like a drunk captain to me.

assured_destruction · 2015-11-23T01:54:15+00:00

you make 150k and need another 100k to make ends meet? Theres a problem in there. Cut some costs dude.

I would just ask her what she wants to do...She probably will admit she should work.

theultmatecad · 2015-11-23T01:08:45+00:00

"Obviously we need two incomes now and both of us are working hard. Imagine how much harder it will be when we separate and have to support two households because you think your income isn't necessary and I find an actual adult to spend my life with"

enfier · 2015-11-23T22:31:33+00:00

Your lifestyle is a choice. If you didn't actively pick it yourself, then it's a choice you've let other people make for you. I guarantee you that there are people living around you that get buy on 1/5th of what you make and live happy lives.

Get yourself a copy of "Your Money or Your Life," read it with your wife and sort your way out of this financial mess. When your financial choices are clearly laid out and chosen, your wife will realize she's working for all those things she doesn't want to give up.

Griever114 · 2015-11-23T12:47:33+00:00

Gonna be honest here. I dealt with a similar situation.

You have to realize, a lot of her "complaints" are flat out bullshit. She knows she cant quit but if she breaks a nail at her job, she will scream for a pity party and want to quit. Mine is the exact same fucking way. She is comfort testing, possibly shit testing you.

One thing I am surprised that no one has called you out on... you CANNOT show your discomfort with your job or any form of weakness. That is beta bullshit behavior. If you have a bad day, CHECK THAT SHIT AT THE DOOR. If you come home bitching about your job and she had a mediocre day, she will find a way to complain.

She will only buck up when YOU STOP BEING A BITCH.

Next time you have a shit day, either hit the gym before coming home or stop a block away from your house and chill the fuck out for 10 minutes.

The problem is that if I mess up one thing or if I look miserable when she comes home because I had a long day of being a full time working stay at home dad, then she threatens to quit her job and says that she is only working because I want her to.

As others have said, women will spot ANY and ALL weakness in your frame. They may want "feels" but they will be the first to cut and run. It has been said many times, your wife if a reflection of you, if you complain, she complains... Lead your ship. Stuff can and will go wrong but if you show uncertainty, her hamster will flips its shit.

Next time she complains about her job, A/A.

Wife: I hate my job and want to quit.

You: Wouldnt it be great if we could! I mean that would be the life if we won the lottery, what a great dream. We could fuck all day and do what we want. slap ass and walk away

You need to re-access your financials. If you are stuggling with money, fix your shit. If its debt, cut extraneous expenses. There is ALWAYS room to cut. See a financial planner if you are not managing finances well. /u/FearDawg2015 nailed the finances so look at his post.

Own your shit.

stonepimpletilists · 2015-11-23T12:33:50+00:00

Rp won't make better chore play

stonepimpletilists · 2015-11-23T14:23:40+00:00

If she's not happy that she has to contribute her fair share, it's probably because she doesn't believe in the vision. Perhaps a better vision is in order, or a better man to have one.

I see us in 5 years, totally out of debt. I remember the last time we were, it wasn't even happy, it was a weight off our shoulders. We go travelling again, we can do whatever we want. I want that freedom, for us. I'm glad I have a great woman here, because it's not going to work with a shitty one. *forehead kiss

(This only works if it's the man that she wants in that vision, a 6.57/10 face 8.43/10 body 5.8/10 personality ain't going to cut it. a man will though)

0kool74 · 2015-11-23T15:26:41+00:00

The problem is that if I mess up one thing or if I look miserable when she comes home because I had a long day of being a full time working stay at home dad, then she threatens to quit her job and says that she is only working because I want her to.

don't go wrestling in the mud with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it. How does that relate to your situation? Never, ever EVER show weakness. She'll only resent you for it. Even if you did have a long stressful day, it's time to put your game face on when that key hits the lock and she walks through the door.

UEMcGill · 2015-11-23T15:48:37+00:00

As far as work goes, read Ian's piece on the housework issue. Shit needs to get done, especially in a household where 2 people work. Just own it. It's blupill when you engage in choreplay because you think it will get you laid. It's redpill when you do shit because it needs to get done.

As far as your wife bitching goes, have you read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty"? I'm gonna say no here because there's some classic easy ways to defuse your wife's comments.

Remember also, it's not about the content to her, she's delivering emotion. So when she says "only working because I want her to." she's really telling you she feels conflicted working now that you are overwhelmed. She's craving strong leadership from you, and reassurance that all this is worth it.

Don't try to fix her by rationalizing her working to her and all that shit. You'll just dig a deeper hole. Read WISNIFG, and hold firm to your reasons. She probably sees you being wishy washy in your convictions and wants reassurance. Stand firm and give her strong leadership.

edit: added some words.

Thomaskingo · 2015-12-02T23:09:21+00:00

I would say you need to get her in a position to be a STAHM. Can you cut costs especially those she won't notice? Have you thought of increasing your own business (your self employed, right?)by employing her? Could she start a smaller business from home herself?

PemBayliss · 2015-11-23T15:33:43+00:00

Shit testing, tantrum throwing.

And Im a bit confused. First you say she likes the job; then she is telling you she's depressed and exhausted? which is it?

She's working right now because that's best for the marriage and because the two of you decided that's what's needed right now.

She needs to STFU, do her job both at the office and at home, and not overreact to your errors or responses to the housework. You don't need to buck her up and "appreciate" her well paying job. You need to tell her to relax and not worry that everything doesn't get done perfectly around the house. She needs to realize that she's doing what she is doing for the family; as you are. Her attitude should be that she's doing her job for the family unit. Even if she is "only doing it for" you, that should be good enough.

Hold frame on this.

Title	Wife working causing problems
Author	rptobe
Upvotes	1
Comments	29
Date	November 23, 2015 12:58 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3tvqo3/wife_working_causing_problems/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/wife-working-causing-problems.207880 https://theredarchive.com/post/207880

Comments