Why I went back to work (the long version)

I am the mother of three grown children and a wife of 35 years. Three years ago I retired from my position as a teacher to spend more time with my husband. In the past we had little time to travel or spend time together as a couple because of the demands of daily life and opposite work schedules. We had an agreement that when I retired from my career, he would cut back on his work load. To my disappointment that did not happen. I knew it was selfish for me to feel let down because my husband had valid reasons why he has to give his job his full attention for a while longer. In the meantime I was lost and lonely. I spent a great deal of time reading about respect and honest communication in a relationship because for the first time in my marriage I felt neglected. I was feeling so empty. I wanted him to show me that I come first in his life. Are you seeing a pattern here? Poor, poor, me! What I want! I knew he loved me, but I felt like I was taken for granted. I did not have any girl friends to share with at that time because my husband and I are the last of our original group of friends who have stayed married. I moved from to school in my teaching position so I never established any meaningful relationships with the women I worked with. After years of being busy (too busy) and needed (too needed), I now was feeling like it wouldn't make a bit of difference if I never got out of bed. I was struggling to pull myself out of depression which has been brought on by isolation, loneliness, and feelings of uselessness. Yes, I did get out of bed. I did the house work that always needs to be done. I took the dog on long walks and worked in the yard. I went through the motions, but I didn’t feel much satisfaction in my accomplishments. Although my life had changed dramatically, my husband’s had not. He was better fed and the house was cleaner, yes that is true, but his day to day routine had not changed where my mine had disintegrated. Are you getting a glimpse of why things went awry? I brought all the change onto myself and I expected my SO to fix my unhappiness and he didn’t even know why I was unhappy. Yes I really did believe that it was my husband who was the problem at that point, as irrational as that sounds, because I had made this covet contract in my head. Now that I had the time to devote to him without other demands, I expected him to reciprocate. Of course I knew deep down that the man I fell in love in love with would not shirk his responsibilities to cater to my neurotic tendencies. We are both people who keep our word and give a hundred percent to our obligations. The problem was I no longer had any obligations that meant anything to me. I am not sure what snapped me back into reality. Maybe when I realized that I was talking to the dog waaay too much. Somehow I just realized that if I wanted things to be better, it was up to me to make it happen. The first thing I decided to do was dress up and get out of the house. I started volunteering at a local non- profit venue. The sun peeked out from beneath the clouds. I was good at what I was doing. I met new people. I learned my way around and my confidence grew. I started to feel better than I had in a long time. After a year, I took on an internship and then I was offered a part time position that was perfect. Now here is where red pill comes into play. Pay attention blue pill. After almost three years of making my husband my whole world and really not being happy, I realized I had to create my own word and at the same time make my husband the center of that world. So I sat down with him and told him that I wanted to take on this part time position because it would give me a chance to use my talents and make a difference. It would give me the opportunity to meet new people, meet new challenges and grow. He agreed to it, when I promised him that I would not allow the job to interfere in our weekends and the times we have to enjoy life. Have things been perfect? I burned dinner last night and the house is a disaster.Still, things are good because I am excited, and animated, and think my husband loves to see his wife dressed up and attractive when he comes home and ready to share the joy of her day with him.
I am going to post a part two to this field experience later where I share my advice. For now I will just say if you are feeling empty; figure out your talents and the best way to use them. This is a big part of gratitude. This is also a big part of the self care that is discussed in the book the Surrendered Wife. The “Surrendered Wife” is what led me to this sub. I hope I have shared a relevant point of view.