Friends and their influence

blindedbythebrights · 2016-08-03T07:45:09+00:00

I find it really hard to find friends that are also single and that genuinely want the best for me. I don't know why, but I always seem to instigate women to be competitive towards me, even though I genuinely don't care and just want to be their friend, not their competition. I'm usually not even into the guys they are competing for, even though they do go after me when they see me. I think it has to do with being what rp calls "sigma", and how that's way harder for a woman than for a man.

I used to have a group of female friends, but they actually came on to my (now ex-) boyfriend before we were a couple, when we were just getting to know each other, but very obviously into each other and in love. He told me this and advised me to not be friends with them anymore. Since his suggestion, I noticed how they stimulated me to drink a lot, be loud and told me I was a "sports freak" and eat more fatty and unhealthy food, and how I could certainly "have it" since I was "super skinny". They were also asking me a lot of questions about my love life and men, but not really sharing their crushes or feelings about anyone. It was all very defensive, and in hindsight I think they liked me because I made them look cool and always knew where the guys they liked the most (friends of my now ex-bf) would be hanging out, but also hated me because they saw me as competition and those men didn't look at them twice.

So since then I only have a few female friends that I see every once in a while in one-on-one interactions and there's a world of difference. There's room for honest and open conversations and they confide in me about their love lives, wanting to lose weight and ask me for advice. These women are much more feminine and in touch with their own desires. I must say I'm pretty lonely, but at least I'm not distracting myself anymore with toxic "friendships'.

thisisophelia · 2016-08-03T16:03:05+00:00

I must say, I feel very lucky to have two girlfriends that mostly have the same direction of thought as I have, we also have the same values, so most of the time, they influence me in a positive way.

They are the only two people I turn to in my circle of friends when I need advice and although we are on the same page most of the time, they also criticize me and tell me, when I’m wrong. But then I also know, that they are probably right. And they are also the only ones which I trust completely.

I sometimes notice how other „Friends“ or rather acquaintances try to have an influence on me. It start with simple things like: „Oh, you shouldn’t go home now, you could have another drink“ up to things that concern my relationship or my career.

I think it’s especially dangerous for people who don’t know where they stand in life and what they want in life to get influenced by friends, and probably not always in a good way.

And I've been there. With my ex-boyfriend I was not so sure, when to stand on his side and when something was his fault which led to me mimicking our friends and how they behaved towards him. The relationship was not that great after all, but this definitely did not help.

sthutton · 2016-08-03T17:34:20+00:00

I recently decided I had to distance myself from a couple girlfriends for this very reason. We would be hanging out as a big group and one of these girls would start making fun of something her husband did or said or doesn't do, and everybody would laugh (while the husband smiled and tried to not look hurt). Then the other girl would chime in with the same thing, insulting her husband, laughs all around. Then you just feel compelled to add something yourself. I admit, sometimes in the past I did, and looking bad I feel horrible that I let the group dynamic make me feel that laughs at my husband's expense were more important.

After getting more into RPW, I realized just how demeaning this was to my husband, even if I told myself "it was all in good fun". Would I think it was fun if he did the same to me? No. I would feel completely crushed. So at first I started just keeping my mouth shut and not adding to the conversation when it would turn this direction. Then after a few months I just made the decision that these women were not the types of women I want close to me/my marriage. I need girlfriends around me to tell me to appreciate my husband and tell me when the hamster is running his little self ragged.

blushinglilly · 2016-08-03T17:52:14+00:00

It was my thread you linked to, so thanks :)

These are the things I've noticed about friendship groups and their influence that I think might have a bad knock on effect for relationships.

Lets add some imaginary people to make this clearer and to anonymise the real life examples I'm drawing from, I'm calling them Rose, Lilly and Daisy.

Unrealistic expectations about gifts - Rose's boyfriend doesn't buy her expensive gifts for her birthday. Instead he writes her a heartfelt note and gets her a small box of her favourite chocolates. She loves this until Lilly tells the group about the expensive necklace her boyfriend bought for her. Everyone in the group gushes over Lilly's necklace and this for some reason makes Rose feel embarrassed and inadequate. She confides her feelings in Daisy, who in true 'you go girl' modern style, encourages this discontent and tells Rose her boyfriend isn't doing enough and that she deserves more. Rose ends up having a fight with her boyfriend who is bewildered by her sudden change in attitude towards the gift that she previously loved. This causes a fracture in their relationship.
Unrealistic expectations about behaviour - Daisy's husband is a quiet sort of man. He doesn't ever say much and he has always been like this as long as they have been together. He is a loving and supportive husband but his support is shown in other ways such as his actions, devotion to her and physically affectionate nature. Rose's boyfriend however is a very verbal man and frequently texts Rose throughout the day with words of loving encouragement. Despite having previously felt completely content in the relationship, Daisy now feels jealous and sees her husband as inadequate. When Daisy discusses this with Lilly, Lilly doesn't want to rock the boat by calling out her friend so she simply goes along with what Daisy is saying. Daisy has an argument with her husband, he tries to fix the situation but as this behaviour just isn't his style he fails and Daisy is discontented.
Complaining in order to fit in - Lilly is pretty happy with her boyfriend. However when she meets up with Daisy and Rose the conversation always turns to their complaints about their partners. In 'Mean Girls' style there is a pause in the conversation until she will chime in with her own complaints. She feels that if she doesn't join in this conversation she will not be part of the group. Unfortunately this has the knock on effect of actually making her discontented with her relationship. What previously seemed like small wrinkles now seem like bigger problems.
Not being called out on your BS - The three girls meet up with their partners for an afternoon out. Rose and her boyfriend have an argument on the way to the event as they get lost. Rather then putting the argument aside in front of their friends, Rose continues to pick at her boyfriend and is rude and unpleasant to him all afternoon. It causes a bad atmosphere which both Lilly and Daisy pick up on and neither of them really think Rose was in the right. A few days later the girls meet up alone, Rose brings up the argument again and seeks validation about her behaviour. While Lilly and Daisy both think Rose was in the wrong, they are afraid to say so because of the group dynamic and don't want to be seen as being unsupportive. Rose goes away with her behaviour reinforced rather then called out.
Constant need for validation from the group breaking up the relationship - Lilly starts discussing all her intimate relationship issues with the group. She does this so often that it becomes a habit and her boyfriend is unaware of how much of their private life she has shared with the group. When they disagree Lilly will say 'but Daisy thinks you should do X'. Lilly's boyfriend begins to feel like there are 2 more people in his relationship and it makes him very unhappy. The advice Rose and Daisy give Lilly is generally bad advice and encourages her to take actions that have a negative effect on her relationship rather then a positive one. Lilly is so used to going to the group for validation that she doesn't stop even though on some level she is aware she gets bad results from doing so.

Title	Friends and their influence
Author	DemonDigits
Upvotes	8
Comments	9
Date	August 3, 2016 5:17 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4vwx1q/friends_and_their_influence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/friends-and-their-influence.209726 https://theredarchive.com/post/209726

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