I have become the shrew that we strive not to be - help please

L1vewarePr0blem · 2016-07-15T15:39:05+00:00

Hey there - I think a lot of ladies here could tell you "horrible childhood" stories. I know I could. It involves a religious cult, rape, never sleeping more than 4 hours a night as a child because I was too scared...I mean shit went DOWN.

And it's never okay. Horrible childhoods are horrible, straight up. The other ladies are right, though, in that at a certain point the behaviors and coping mechanisms you learned then become YOUR responsibility, as you enter adulthood. It seems that you are mostly aware of this, but still using your shitty childhood narrative as a crutch.

My personal experience is that therapy never helped. I've been in and out three times, and even with a highly intuitive, compassionate therapist who was accurate in helping me unravel my own inner ball of crap, all he could do was describe it and give me a couple superficial coping mechanisms. It seemed to "work" for a time, when the memory of therapy with him was still fresh. Then it didn't.

That was three years ago. And I have compassion for where you're standing now, because I know how it feels to have your fears get the better of you in a million small ways until you're about to lose what you've hoped to find your whole life. I have what feels like a "soulmate connection" with my partner, but he has told me he has been at the brink of leaving me at least four times and has actually left for a few days once. In my case, it wasn't shrewishness but a kind of self-loathing madness that permeated every action. The only reason we are still together and doing very well right now was an epic level of self-awareness on my part, and a demonstrated willingness to act on that self-awareness. He takes 100% responsibility for himself at all times and he expects the same from me. One more reason he's the man for me.

So there you have it. The shittier the childhood, the greater the potential for self-awareness and eventually self-realization. I did feel that "The Surrendered Wife" was very helpful with the "Goddess of Fun and Light" chapter. I can give you an example of what might trigger my own demons and the thought process I'll go through.

It could be anything if I was feeling self-loathing and needed something to project onto. It could be that he hadn't gotten me flowers in X months, or said he liked that woman's body a little too enthusiastically, or I saw porn on his phone for the fourth time in a f*cking week.

From 5 minutes to an hour, I would hamster the shit out of it and work myself into a state where it would definitely come out in a bad attitude TO him, later. Now:

Thought: "he really hasn't gotten me flowers in a long time. I know we've been working crazy hours and we're building a house, but STILL! Ugh! I bet other men get their SOs flowers anyway, 'cause guys know we like that. If he's not getting me flowers he doesn't value me. Not surprising. I don't feel that I have value." Then -> "Oh, really, now?! He is BUILDING A HOUSE WITH YOU. He is literally building a life with you. He told you X and Y and Z just this morning. For a non-verbal guy that's high praise indeed." Then -> You know what I think? It's YOU that doesn't value you. And why not? Why this, now? Then -> You're scared again. Scared that if you pour all of yourself into something without throwing a distraction smokescreen up you'll lose your very selfhood, which it took you a while to gain. Then -> Ah, good old familiar fear of existential annihilation. That I can work with. Then -> Meditation and affirmations to myself, building up my self-esteem in this way and telling myself what a beautiful and strong woman I am, and how pouring myself into something will affirm my selfhood. Also, just being with the fear once I've realized the core of what it is, and neither judging myself for having it nor projecting it onto someone else in a different form.

SO, hope you enjoyed that peek into the brain of an adult abuse survivor. I still need to go through a process like this weekly. ;) There is pretty much nothin' that TLC and self-awareness won't fix! The zen that I've gained as a by-product of this process has also been invaluable and has spilled over into gaining a high level of awareness and confidence in the workplace, other interpersonal relationships, and so on. I'm no longer angry at any of the people who contributed to that pain when I was a child.

I can pretty much guarantee you that this process will help you transform yourself, too, and take the mystery out of whatever voodoo you felt your mom worked on you. Hope it helps. Feel free to ask me questions about the details if you like.

[deleted] · 2016-07-15T14:40:35+00:00

My upbringing was by a unhappy, horrible, narcissistic single mother. She was always the victim and never the problem. I've been in and out of therapy for years trying to erase the habits growing up with her as a role model left me. I am the woman that RP's main sub warns about - I wasted my 20's, wised up, and now I have a good man that I'm driving away.

I could share my personal story of how I grew up sheltered for 17 years by foreign born parents who were incredibly smothering and controlling. How I had virtually no interaction with children outside of school. How I moved to college and was thrown into the real world without any experience or understanding and had to learn life the hard way very fast. I could tell me you my struggles with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and adjustment disorder...my years in therapy, etc etc. But none of it matters. Because I'm pushing 30 and any excuses at this point in my life to blame my parents or my upbringing or whatever are just that --- excuses.

You are 35 years old. You have been with this man for 4 years. You claim the problem is you and then you launch into a paragraph about your mother. Who cares? you've been on your own for how many years? It's on you now and has been for maybe 2 decades.

If you're being a shrew, STOP BEING A SHREW.
If you're disrespecting your man, START SUBMITTING TO HIM.
Exercise does more to cure anxiety than any therapy or medication ever could. Work out. Often. For 30+ minutes.
Invest in awesome skincare products and watch your diet. Chug water like air. Dress pretty. Aim for demure and not "sexy".
Don't complain to him or about him. Think positive.

We have tons of resources in the sidebar to help you out. We also have an active IRC channel if you need more advice in real time. The ladies there are diverse, and most are in LTRs or married, so you'll be in good company!

Ultimately, being a whiny, needy, rude and disrespectful woman to your LTR at 20 isn't cute by itself. By 30, it's just unacceptable. By 35??? you are seriously pushing your luck. Most women at 35 are struggling to find someone. You have someone thankfully. Do your damn best to keep him and keep him happy.

Best of luck! :D

blushinglilly · 2016-07-15T16:13:47+00:00

My upbringing was by a unhappy, horrible, narcissistic single mother. She was always the victim and never the problem.

Consider using this mantra 'I will not become the women I hated. I will not become the women I hated. I will not become the women I hated.'

[deleted] · 2016-07-15T15:44:44+00:00

Ok My prescription. Read The Surrendered Wife. Read the side bar material. Read the top posts here. Internalize. internalize. Internalize. The journey you are about to take isn't something that is going to come over night for you. This is going to take months/years to get right back on track and along the way you are going to fail. It is how you react to failing that will decide whether or not you can succeed.

You've had your 'aha' moment. Now go apologize to your man for being a shrew. Do not tell him you are going to do better. JUST DO BETTER!!! He will realize in his own time that you have changed. If he isn't noticing it, it is because you aren't applying it as you should be.

Glad you are here and when in doubt... ASK!!!

hazelfox · 2016-07-15T14:41:15+00:00

I am not an expert at all, but what helped get my fiance and me back on the right track was me straight-up apologizing to him for my pattern of being a negative shrew, and telling him how much I truly respected and appreciated him. Maybe you already did this, in the conversation where he admitted how boiled the frog has become. If not, you could try it now.

Then start reading The Surrendered Wife. I'm a couple of chapters in and it's helpful so far. Sometimes I have to chant little mantras in my head if I'm feeling the impulse to nag or to be negative (I'm kind of a melancholy person, it's easy to just be...blah). Smile, be receptive, be feminine. They sound silly but they help and I am using them less frequently as the new habits form.

It says a lot that you're here, that you've acknowledged right up front that you know your behavior is a contributing cause. You hold a lot of power to change your relationship by changing these behaviors. It took me about a year of hearing red pill-esque advice to start getting my head straight and accepting that I was not the special snowflake to whom this advice did not apply. ;)

trapped_in_a_box · 2016-07-18T09:49:40+00:00

It sounds like you're having trouble being vulnerable (I know vulnerability is scary), so you've decided that when you start to feel too safe, too close, too happy, you'll bring out the shrew to push him away and at a safe distance. I suggest reading, I thought it was just me by Brene Brown and The gifts of Imperfection. Others can tell you to take responsibility and change your behavior, but you need to internalize why you behave the way you do. You're shrewdness has nothing to do with your SO. You developed these triggering behaviors because of your childhood, but they are completely in your control to change. You're still in survival mode.

[deleted] · 2016-07-15T17:21:06+00:00

I second all the advice here about taking responsibility for your own life and not blaming your problems on your mother! I know I tend to do that too...victim hood is a tough habit to break. That's what I really appreciate about this place: nobody lets you get away with it.

Besides that, it sounds like you're feeling stressed about your nursing school applications. I know I act badly when I'm feeling stressed out and insecure. The pressure builds up inside and I look for someone to attack and unfortunately that's often my husband. What helps me is: remembering that this stressful time is temporary; breaking down my tasks into manageable pieces; taking plenty of little breaks; and not indulging my own anxiety. It also helps me to admit that I'm stressed out...so I'll say to my husband, I'm getting really anxious right now and I'm going to go out for a jog, or take a walk (or whatever will calm me down at that moment). It might even cut into our time together, but it's better than blowing up at him because of my unaddressed anxiety.

Edited for typos

Title	I have become the shrew that we strive not to be - help please
Author	trapped_in_a_box
Upvotes	12
Comments	19
Date	July 15, 2016 2:20 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4szb2e/i_have_become_the_shrew_that_we_strive_not_to_be/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/i-have-become-the-shrew-that-we-strive-not-to-be.209792 https://theredarchive.com/post/209792

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