Should explanations only be given when they are asked for?

Kara__El · 2019-02-10T20:49:54+00:00

The difference between nagging and discussion is found in tone, time, and place. If he's busy doing something he enjoys and you interrupt to tell him it annoys you that his dirty clothes are all over the floor, it's nagging. If you're both in the bedroom, changing to settle in for the evening and you ask him to please decide if the clothes on the floor are dirty enough for the hamper or clean enough for the drawer, so you don't make the wrong call, it's a reasonable request. There's nothing inherently ridiculous about expecting a grown man to throw dirty clothes in the hamper.

Now, if you're complaining because you have strangely high standards for order, say four hampers divided by shades and colors, it's nagging, because it is your ridiculous standard. If you want it that way, do it and then STFU.

pinkypromising · 2019-02-10T20:41:38+00:00

You asked the question I didn’t realize I’ve been wondering about for ages. Thanks for putting it into words! Looking forward to seeing responses.

lieutenantdonut · 2019-02-11T01:08:04+00:00

Dude I have the problem of explaining everything I think, say, or do to SUCH AN EXTREME

It may totally be a thing that you can overdo it.

Here's what I've experienced: many people (especially guys, and ESPECIALLY guys I've dated long term) have gotten upset at me trying to mitigate conflict, find resolution, or plan something out. Often I will be cited as "not letting it go" and being tiresome. To someone who is hearing me articulate every single detail of my thought process, I could -totally- see where really it's just that they're not wired or interested in hearing every particulate of my thoughts or plans. Because of this, I would not be surprised if it was a general thing amongst women that we over indulge in explanations of what we do and think.

That's just my theory though.

I recently have decided to start practicing not explaining myself. A variety of reasons have prompted it - including books I'm reading, personal advice I've received from the guy I'm dating, as well as experiences in the past that did not go well and might've benefitted from a more firm and concise response.

Practice it. Self conscious people that don't want to inconvenience people or don't want anyone to misunderstand them to the point they find them callous or negative in any way are probably more at risk of this behavior. I'm currently practicing my ability to speak without explaining (unless asked for elaboration). Because of that, I totally think this is a thing.

girlwithabike · 2019-02-11T12:55:22+00:00

First, it sounds like these are a couple different scenarios. Nagging is different from explaining or justifying your own behavior. Explaining general behavior is different from justifying bad behavior. Bringing him your problems doesn't necessarily mean reporting on everything you do and STFU doesn't mean never speak. If you are trying to target a specific area of concern, then you need to pull out which idea you want to know about. If you are just looking for a discussion (as it's tagged) then carry on :-).

In broad strokes:

I think women tend to be consensus builders. Because of this, there can be a need to over explain. You want him to understand what you mean or why you asked for something. It's the cliche of "I don't just want him to wash the dishes, I want him to want to wash the dishes". Men on the other hand, tend to be solution oriented. This will be particularly true of the men RPW consider "Captain material".

This is why we focus on BYCYP (bring your captain your problems) and STFU. It's not to be demure submissive good girls (though it can certainly come across that way), it is an effective way of bridging these communications styles. If I want us both to be happy with the solution (consensus building) then it makes sense to take him the problem and ask him to come up with a solution. He is happy because this is the manner in which he prefers to deal with life (problem-solution) and I'm happy because I know that the problem gets solved and since he came up with the solution, he's board with it (consensus building).

If I bring him a solution to a problem, I may tend to over explain my thoughts and reasoning long after he has agreed to an approach. I want us to be on the same page but since men are less likely to talk out their thought processes (particularly in the moment because their brains are not wired that way) this comes across as nagging or oversharing or overthinking. It's tiresome for him and I'm left feeling less than understood.

CalvinRichland · 2019-02-11T01:27:17+00:00

Give us some examples

ObedientLittleWife · 2019-02-11T23:51:25+00:00

How you word it is the most important thing. Also, CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES, lol.

durtyknees · 2019-02-14T04:41:55+00:00

In general? Always? When are explanations for one's own behavior appropriate and/or when are they necessary?

They are needed only when they give your man something to work with.

Many women "explain" themselves just to make themselves feel better (only looking for validation).

If what I'm feeling drives me to do something stupid, I communicate my thought process (or lack of thought lol), instead of talk about my feelings. It's more about my acknowledgement of failure, and an apology. Framing my apology in the right context helps my husband understand me better.

Explaining to justify a lousy outcome would only make a person feel better, while sounding self-righteous, unrepentant, and maybe annoying :p

Sometimes I get the impression that what seems like "nagging" to men is nothing more than an attempt to be understood?

There's no point talking to someone who can't "see", yet call it nagging when you try to help them "see". Don't waste your time with men who don't value you enough to want to understand you.

What alternatives are there to "bring your captain your problem" and STFU? Are there any?

I don't actually do either of these things in my marriage :p

We bring each other's attention to any problems, and discuss solutions together. I only offer suggestions for solutions, and he makes the final call. I don't remember having any disagreements in the nearly 2 decades we've known each other, because there's only one most-logical solution for every problem, based on all the variables we had to work with. The outcome doesn't matter, because we're both flexible (no children = no problems!). We just adapt and move on.

And I'm free to speak my mind, because my husband can shut me up any time he wants, without any consequences. This is something we discussed before we started a relationship. I'm generally a quiet person but when I get passionate, I babble. If he says "shut up", I fall silent immediately, and I stay silent as long as he wants me to.

Keeping busy (career, etc) helps put things in perspective, too. Small stuff only seem sweat-worthy if you're not busy frying bigger fish for most of your day.

Title	Should explanations only be given when they are asked for?
Author	DelicateDevelopment
Upvotes	32
Comments	14
Date	February 10, 2019 8:15 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ap7v5p/should_explanations_only_be_given_when_they_are/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/should-explanations-only-be-given-when-they-are.215490 https://theredarchive.com/post/215490

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