Here's the story: (Im very sorry this is long)

My bf & I communicate so well with each other & I can't think of any other ways to describe him except for saying he is my soulmate. We understood each other & listen to each other. We also enjoy experiencing new things with each other etc.

Before we became steady as gf & bf(we we're bestfriends), he has told me he had a one night stand before with a girl that was in a relationship, and he regrets it, and he doesn't keep contact with her after that night & they weren't friends at all, just had mutual friends, and saw each other when two groups went to the club before the mistake happened.

He told me this during the time he started telling me that he likes me more than a friend & he wanted me to know about his past mistake before we go steady/start dating because he says he prefers to tell me before I find out on my own and he wants to respect me and let me choose if I want to start a relationship with him for who he is and his mistakes.

We became boyfriend and girlfriend and fell deeper in love the more time we spent with each other. But one day he was showing me something on his social media(his fb and his instagram), and the girl(from the one night stand) was first to show up on his feed.

It wasn't till I saw her picture again for the fourth-fifth times that I started becoming bothered by it. I decided to not keep overthinking & to talk about it to him face to face about how uneasy i felt about this, (I was bothered because he said and swears they dont talk or see each other anymore and she is not his friend after that one night back in 2016) but he still had her over social media and she also tagged him before in some posts during the period my bf and I started dating.

So he deleted her immediately in front of me when I said it to prove he has no connections with her and his reason why she was still on his social media was that he doesn't look into those much and just scrolls through his feeds & reads some news and that he forgot she was there.

So he unfollowed her on instagram and unfriended her on fb. I can say I felt embarrassed and controlling for telling him I felt bothered by it but I sure was assured enough when he deleted her without questioning & was very grateful i had such an understanding and loving boyfriend.

A few months later, I was on his page to post something for him & noticed that his friend-list box was hidden. I asked him why did he hide it(I didn't think much, it was a genuine random question) He says some strangers who were friends with his friends kept friend requesting him, so he hid it so that they add him.

It didn't make sense to me as, no matter visible or hidden, if someone is a mutual friend, you would see them. Anyways I said okay and believed what he wanted to do and I didn't think much or suspected anything else after.

Turns out: I found out that the one night stand girl had friend requested him again and he accepted her. They started texting, and she was asking him how he was, and he replied her and asked her back. And she invited him out for a drink like old times and told him not to bring his "girlfriend"(me) out.

He hid his friend list to hide her.

I was so hurt and I am still hurt till this day that he broke my trust. He begged me to take him back and he says he never thought about reconnecting with her but he didnt know what he was doing and just accepted her back because he thought she was a friend.

I was beyond hurt & I still cry about it till now(it's 4 months away from being a year when i found out) It hurts me so much that he deleted her for me, but he never thought about me again when he added her back, let alone texted her back.

He also didn't tell her to stop bothering him and let her remain on his social media and he never planned to tell me. Idk what to feel anymore, I am embarrassed that I am still sad over this but I really can't grasp onto the reality that he really accepted her friend request and texted her back after assuring me they don't talk and shes a nobody. I am still shocked and I can't describe how many times I've cried or the level of depression I am in.

I didn't think it would take this long for me to recover, but I am nowhere near recovered from it, we are still falling deeper in love but we have our moments when i get sad about this again.

After that situation my depression has just became more severe and I feel worthless and always not good enough. I can be walking at the mall with my boyfriend and suddenly think I am not good enough, and how I don't look like his hookup. I can be at home doing my makeup and suddenly burst to tears when my mind decides to remember. I've been putting this at the back of my mind since the start of this year, but I just spent my past week crying everyday and feeling worthless about myself because in my mind there's a voice telling me that if i was enough he wouldn't have connected with her back knowing well that I would be hurt and he was destroying our trust.