TLDR: My husband (44) and I (31), married last year, experienced an upheaval in our life revolving around work (his and mine), and we fight over something dumb almost every week now. I'm looking for outside perspective about

  • managing my emotions (especially feeling neglected/feeling like his personal assistant but not his wife--he is overwhelmed by his career and works crazy hours)
  • communicating better/finding middle ground about money (today he said I was mean, and I'm not sure--maybe I deserve it?).

I'll try to be as objective as possible.

Background: He's Asian M, immigrated to the US for work about 10 years ago. He is successful but a junior in a demanding and unstable field. I'm an American F with a brief history in his field. After our wedding, we relocated for his dream job, and I left my own career behind. Initially this was a relief since I wanted to shift gears, but I'm a year into being unemployed and getting no bites (career counselor says I'm overqualified and need to network). My husband has said multiple times that my unemployment is good since I can help him with work--so I edit all of his written work/presentations, collect information for him, and am basically "on call" to help with anything else. Because he's not completely fluent in English, he needs substantial help with anything written (typically heavy content-based editing and restructuring). Despite all of this, he is constantly putting out fires and being tugged in a million directions at work, and he puts in about 80 hours every week (lots from home). It's fair to say that he is almost always stressed and usually thinking/talking about work. When I express (maybe once every month or two, tearfully and sometimes with anger) that I would like to feel like his wife and not like his secretary, he apologizes and tells me that he has to put in the time for the first few years/this is all for our family/he loves me more than anything. It's 100% true that he has to work hard in the beginning, but I feel resentful and hurt about the work-related things that he seems to prioritize over our time together.

We bought a home, got a pet (he really wanted), so I take care of those things, manage our money and bills, cook for us, etc. I try to do things that will make him happy and comfortable when he comes home, but finally it seems that it doesn't make any difference because he's so stressed and focused on his job. Both of us are introverts and live far from friends and family. I love him very deeply and admire his character and strength. Our values are aligned (I thought, but now feel some doubt because we're so out of sync). We share the same goals of making a family and living a simple life. Sex--I want more, but he doesn't have energy (2-3x/week and typically quickies). He's aware that I'm always ready, but I don't initiate much now because I worry about him getting enough sleep/he's says he needs 48 hrs to recover every time (???)--I dunno, he's my first so this is a mystery to me.

To divulge more, I'm fighting a depression that has loomed at the edge of my mind since all of these life changes. Part of it stems from feeling emotionally neglected, but I think the rest is related to feeling like I wasted my education/achievements and have no purpose without my own career. This is hugely ironic because my dream is to be a SAHM. This unhappiness is not front and center since I find many little things to be happy about, but every month or so something sets off the tears and we have the same conversation: "I feel worthless" "You're helping me so much--you don't need to feel bad" etc; next day I start back on the job hunt and the cycle starts anew.

As to what brought me here: Yesterday he suddenly called me with a problem. I'll skip the details, but basically he wants to purchase something fairly expensive ($300-$500) for a new employee who is having some financial problems. She came from overseas 2 weeks ago, and my husband remembers the kindness of Americans when he first moved to the US with almost no money. I don't know how long this person will even work under my husband (she started yesterday) and hesitate to spend our money on someone I don't know/someone already here with a great opportunity. The need she has can be met partially through their organization, but not conveniently. I suggested that she borrow what she needs from us OR that we purchase it for his work unit (not for her specifically); I felt it would be strange to purchase outright for her without knowing her situation. To this, he said that is would be too awkward to talk with her about it and "when I came to this country, people were so kind; if you were my boss, I would be so sad from how mean you are." This took me aback, and I told him that it hurt to hear that from him. It's a slap in the face for me since I was one of the people that was "so kind" to him when he came here.

It seems to me that whenever I express some concern about money he gets his hackles up (he had a past relationship with someone who was money hungry and abusive). He is unconcerned with money and is not at all involved in our budgeting; I am pretty careful since I know how many precious hours he puts into earning it (btw we are very middle class). We are financially comfortable now, but I pinch pennies out of concern for our future and budget a little for charity. He wants to have a baby soon, and I feel afraid of forging ahead with babymaking with a very small nest egg, with this kind of lonely life together, and with my own professional future in doubt.

It was a conversation that we cut short because we absolutely disagreed about the best approach and I was really hurt by the way he expressed his frustration with me. Later he apologized but with the qualification that I hurt his feelings, and that's why he said it to me. To me this is not an apology, and although I didn't reject this "apology," I told him I needed time to recover. Aaaaand so he went into our bedroom, shut the door, and played games on his phone to "calm down and give me space." When I went to bed he said "I hope you feel better soon"--juxtaposed with his behavior, this made me angry, so I was just said "thanks" and tried to sleep.

The icing on the cake is that he agreed with me about purchasing the item for his work unit and not specifically for this employee, but apparently he didn't understand that I was supporting that option the whole time. :(

This kind of stuff comes up every week. Random, ridiculous disagreements, but this is the first time it turned personal. Usually it's a fight over the amount of time he spends working or he gets irritated with me for being frustrated by his schedule. I honestly don't know what I can do, and I feel stuck and sad that this is how we have started life together. At the same time, I'm beginning to have real concerns about our future and whether it's even reasonable to have children when we argue about this kind of stuff and he has no time for us.

  • What is the problem, and what do you think is the root of the issue? I think much of it comes down to different philosophies. Externally there's a fine line between greed and frugality. It hurts that he tends to attribute my motives to the former when he has always known I'm not that kind of person. I've communicated this to him, but he's still so sensitive about money issues. The demands of his work on his time and energy unfortunately can't be changed, but I am dissatisfied that he doesn't adjust his behaviors to show care for me. I have told him that I would be satisfied if he would show me more physical affection. Instead, he works crazy hours (12-14 hour days + weekends), comes home and talks about work, we eat dinner, he does more work (with my help), and then we sleep (he will hug or kiss me briefly and then he retreats into his phone to relax). I feel he doesn't treat me as his wife when he is stressed or busy, which is now 100% of the time. Usually if I express a concern and tell him what I need (physical affection), he defaults to saying "I won't do work at home any more" which is completely unrealistic at this point in his career and which I have never requested. There is sometimes a temporal change in his affection but it always gets swallowed up by his stress.
  • How have you contributed/attempted to mitigate the problem? I know I'm careful with money, and I have been for a long time. I relax this when it's something important to him or his happiness (though I seek out economical solutions). Maybe I am being too tight still, after all, it's not my paycheck. Re. time and my emotions: I may be entering codependent territory as I feel my only purpose now is to help him with his dream and with his achievement. I volunteer regularly, but I don't derive any personal sense of worth from it. I wouldn't be surprised if he feels this as an added stress in his life.
  • What is your current relationship status and length of time? Friends for a few years, dated long distance for a few years, got married last year and then moved in together.

Does anyone see anything from this incoherent mess of emotions? I want to make my husband happy but I feel my success in this department dwindling. I don't know what to do for us.