How to stop being scared of ending up alone?

Kara__El · 2019-09-17T02:39:01+00:00

You're not going to like this response, but hear me out: nun-mode... hard. You're newly twenty, not twenty-nine and 10 months. You have plenty of time to get your head on straight... because from what I'm reading, it's really not. You're acting erratically and desperately and you're clinging to anyone who comes along and that is absolutely not the frame of mind you want to be in, when you get in a committed relationship. That is an excellent way to end up with a loser or an abusive psychopath... and I say this, because I was in a similar place at 19 and married someone who was both. I also hated the idea of taking a year to sort myself after the divorce. I felt like I'd be wasting so much time.

Take the next year to be happy alone. Develop some hobbies and find a favorite genre of books and watch every single episode of Glee if you want, but spend a year becoming more comfortable with you, before trying to figure out what you're comfortable with in other people. Watch some YouTube tutorials on subtle makeup and find some cute feminine clothes and learn to rock 'em.

The virgin who's never dated stuff? Stop worrying about it. You're 20 and it's not that weird. It's weirder to keep forming emotional attachments to unavailable men who might not be real. Online dating is ubiquitous and you'll likely end up doing it eventually, but you should wait a max of two weeks to met someone... and in college, you should be taking advantage of the opportunity to meet men organically, in a way that you'll never be able to again. I was 27 when I met my husband and he was my second real kiss. I'd had one relationship before him and he did not care. Your first date likely isn't going to be your husband, so after that one awkward and scary outing, it won't be true anyway.

vintagegirlgame · 2019-09-17T02:28:47+00:00

I don’t think I understand the whole point of starting a long distance digital relationship...even if the intent is to meet up, what would the plan be if sparks fly, keep dating long distance? It’s too much of an investment to make after only one “date.” Technology has made it seem easier but the reality is Long distance SUCKS. It’s the loneliest form of relationship, why set yourself for that? It should be approached as a last resort only for a relationship that is already vetted to have marriage potential, not the start to a relationship.

RPW generally advises that long distance should only be attempted in certain circumstances (like school or military) when there is already a foundation of a real relationship established, and a specific deadline and plan for the distance to be closed, and ideally with talk of a proposal on the horizon. RPW does not generally encourage long distance as a way to initiate a relationship. Any online dating should be focused on meeting in person ASAP so both parties don’t waste valuable time on someone who is not a match in person.

Get off of online sites, go into nun mode, and channel your loneliness into developing relationships with other women. Once you have a solid social core of female friends, you’ll be ready to start meeting men. If you want to seek them online, you are free to do so, but seek men in your physical range and meet them in person within the week.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2019-09-17T02:14:49+00:00

If you’re only talking to guys online why did you think transferring universities would affect anything?

Overall it seems like you just don’t do anything social. Most of dating stems from some kind of social interaction. A lot of people meet online now, but most people aren’t just random messages, they’re messages to friends’ friends.

Transferring schools isn’t going to drastically affect the type of men you meet unless you’re going from like Alabama to DC to LA or something. If you aren’t finding men you like between those 3 schools then you are probably the problem, not the men.

mandoa_sky · 2019-09-17T03:32:52+00:00

r/JustNoSO is a perfect sub to check out.

it's a good reminder that it's better to be single than with the wrong person.

NicoleInBlue · 2019-09-18T05:34:24+00:00

I would be very suspicious in a guy I've met only online who is acting all lovey-dovey and is willing to invest time and money, and making future plans, without having seen you in person. I think that in today's connected world people are way too trusting of strangers they met online. You didn't mention how exactly you two met but unless it was through a common friend (i.e. someone has vetted him for you), then you have no idea who he really is.

(Sure same applies to dating apps, but the premise there is that you will meet quickly with low investment on both sides since you live nearby.)

[deleted] · 2019-09-20T03:07:41+00:00

I would recommend avoiding online relationships!

When I was 21 I met guys on an app, one of which I was convinced I was in love with. LMAO He lived in another country & I had the idea I would fly to his island (I didn't even have money to do that haha). We had so much in common & he seemed to read my mind at times. Turns out he was a total weirdo who even stalked me on Facebook. His weird side didn't come out till later.

The reality was I was insecure and this was the first guy who gave me attention, told me I'm beautiful and cute, etc. Looking back the attention was overkill, and there were plenty of red flags. I also talked to some other dudes in cyber world. All it did was make me feel more lonely, and I lost confidence and personal integrity. Big waste of time also.

Work on yourself, your confidence, your happiness. You have plenty of time to find a mate. Good for you seeing a therapist. Combat loneliness through healthy things like volunteer work for example. And maybe get off reddit as well. :P

ThrowayButNvrForgten · 2019-09-17T05:11:08+00:00

Unfortunately this kind of hamstering is how your heart is gona get broken. You will cling in to he first guy who gives you time and attention. Later on you will find yourself hamstering again, and you might end up being with the wrong person. Guys like girls with low numbers.

Scorppayne · 2019-09-17T02:23:40+00:00

I'm a guy, so take that as you will, but I've been in your situation a few times as well. Most of my relationships have been online/long-distance. I won't say that they can't work out, but it is very hard to pull off, as you know. 20 isn't old enough to start worrying about ending up alone, even if you have zero real-life relationship experience. In fact, I'd bet most men would see that as a positive thing.

However, you've had the benefit of having online relationships. And I will definitely say that those experiences are not useless when making one in the real world. I learned so much from long-distance relationships, such as dealing with and expressing my emotions. It forces you to verbalize and make clear any issues that were coming up. Because either you had a talk about it, or the relationship simply ended. And there are plenty of other things to learn from online relationships, depending on your experience with them. But after all, I think that's what most of them end up as - experience.

I wouldn't view your situation as completely negative. I'd say there's a lot of good you're overlooking. Hopefully you've learned things from these online experiences, and so when you meet a guy you can be with physically, you won't make the same mistakes you would have if you were completely naive.

I think the first thing you need to do is move on. After I had a bad breakup with a girl I loved (it was long-distance), I was heartbroken for nearly two years, and looking back on it, there's so much time I could have been proactive with had I not been in that state. It was when I finally got closure with her, that it felt like a heavy anchor was lifted off my back, and I could be happy again. I learned a lot through that pain, but a lot of it could have been avoided if I sought out proper closure first. I highly recommend you make sure there are no loose strings with this most recent guy you're still getting over. It's only when you've fully moved on, that you can start another relationship. Otherwise you're just bringing in that baggage, and it's gonna put a strain on any possible future relationships. This was in my case, but if you still feel yourself thinking back on him with pain and longing, then you're not over him. Once you feel you can just 'let go' of him, then you're ready.

But like the other comment mentioned, the chances that you'll simply run into 'the one' by chance, are much lower if you don't do anything to find him. Hobbies, social events, anything that gets you out there is gonna increase your chances, obviously. This might be hard if a lot of your socialization is online, through things like discord, or forum boards. And these things can help in other areas - but the only men you're gonna meet on them are most likely gonna be more long-distance material.

Title	How to stop being scared of ending up alone?
Author	fluffyyflowerss
Upvotes	5
Comments	16
Date	September 17, 2019 1:49 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/d5a9wi/how_to_stop_being_scared_of_ending_up_alone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-stop-being-scared-of-ending-up-alone.253571 https://theredarchive.com/post/253571

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