As someone who grew up in a very family oriented , hierarchy based culture, I was always doing the most trying to be accepted by some scrote’s mother, sisters and/or friends and male relatives.

What for? Just ended up wasting more money at Christmas and Mother’s Day on people I’d never see again.

You see, the “mother in law” who liked me most? Her son (let’s call him B) and I weren’t “official” yet the first time I met her; we didn’t know if we’d be casual or real, so naturally, I didn’t behave in a way outside my usual polite, citizen self. Her and I built a wonderful friendship, but that’s because she was a person I would have loved no matter where we met (Ie, if she was an older colleague , or a school teacher, etc you get the point). Losing her was the shittiest part of the eventual breakup.

The mother in law who hated me most? We met “properly”, when her son A and I were official. I did everything “right”. Yeah, nothing I tried to make her like me worked. Always snooty and rude with barely any attempt to hide it.

Bonus story 3, C’s older sister. C’s parents were lovely, but we didn’t speak the same language so bonding with them was hard. C’s sister was a typical “mean girl”. In the early days of our relationship her and I butted heads. Because it was a sister rather than a mother I didn’t go into “try hard” mode, and she was way too rude for me to swallow my pride to that degree. We eventually got on very well.

Whether these women liked me or not didn’t have anything to do with me as a person. Sure, it can be off putting when someone wants to be liked, but that’s barely a reason to write them off , especially when we can all agree that having a good (ie mutually respectful) relationship with your in-laws is important.

What did affect whether they liked me?

  1. Who they were as people. Whether they were warm, and open hearted, or judgemental and cold. Whether they were feminists themselves , or “Boy Moms”. I generally see toxic anti woman vibes in women who only have sons far more often than those who also have daughters.

  2. What boundaries their sons had established with them, and what boundaries they themselves held as principles of parenting: *B’s mother was an advocate for her childrens’ autonomy, and B was a strong willed individual and everyone knew you couldn’t tell him what to do , be nosy, or interfere in his decisions unless you wanted to feel his wrath. *A’s response to his mother was of the “Yes mum”, “Dont worry mum I’ll sort it out”, “I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding” variety. A’s was not great with boundaries, as you can imagine.

What have I learned?

I just don’t care anymore. I’m vetting you, and that includes vetting your family. I’m not auditioning to be a daughter in law anymore, they need to audition to be grandparents. I have never in my life been wilfully rude, and I won’t stand for gutless men and their red pill mothers.