Long post ahead.

I have been lurking on here for a while, wanting to post but being afraid to do so or exactly what to even ask.. I guess I want to tell my story and hopefully get some advice, comments, encouragement, probably some bashing :/.. but anything at this point is helpful.

I am a 27 year old latina woman, living alone in a big city in the US. Growing up my mother always encouraged me to focus on my studies and boyfriends/relationships were secondary. Nothing wrong with that. But she never pressed the importance of family, traditional values, how to cook, be a good wife etc. My mom and dad separated when I was around 13. Their relationship had the traditional gender roles but my mother was unhappy and yet she depended on my father economically. He was a great father and provider but not a great husband - he didn't appreciate my mother as his wife and woman. He would go out, come home drunk and treat my mother like shit. This is greatly the reason why my mother always pushed for me to be independent and well, it made perfect sense to me at the time.

I was a very curious little girl, discovering porn and masturbation around age 10. With the years I grew more and more curious about these things. I lost my virginity at 16. At the time I honestly did not care for it, or for the man. I did not see sex as such a big deal (prob due to porn). Being an attractive girl lead to a lot of men passing through. I always had a boyfriend. Up until now I don't think I have been alone for even a year, and now I have a deep emotional dependency on having a partner. I have no idea how to be alone.

On another note - I listened to my mother and did great at college, graduated from Computer Science. Most of my colleagues are men. When I would hear about my male co-workers with stay-at-home wives I used to laugh, feel sorry for those women and a sort of anger that they could live like that. As I continued working, even though I was successful, I quickly realized that it did not fulfill me. I felt a sort of void, like I didn't really have a purpose. Now, I think that emptiness is due to my focus on being so much "like a man", instead of a more traditional and fulfilling role.

At 23 I met the man who would become my husband. He was 36. We got married extremely fast (did not even live together before) because we were from different countries. I feel that I was never truly a wife and I feel so bad for it. I was never submissive to him. I feel that even though he provided, we were too much as equals and I did not respect him as my husband or understand my role. He was one of the only men in my life that had potential for a husband. Sadly we were never truly passionate with each other in attraction or sex, and our large age gap proved to be an issue (or maybe just different personalities). I kinda knew about this but chose to ignore it since he was an promising good man. In the end those things all back-fired and we separated..

Now I have a boyfriend with whom I have a relationship as his submissive (in the bdsm sense and my role as his partner). This lead me to realize how much I needed to follow the man in the relationship and how liberating it can be. I found happiness in following his lead. Sadly, this man is not a good candidate for a husband. Funny enough he red-pilled me. But at the same time this made me realize even more that our relationship can't provide what I want for my future, aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend.. I can't even see us even living together. He does not have a stable job or realistic goals and plans that he is putting into place... I make much more money than him, we're just in different levels of maturity and stability. When we started it was more of a sexual thing that transformed into something more. Now after reading more in this sub and talking to friends/family I am faced with having to make the decision to leave him even if he is a good person and boyfriend (and only other red-pilled person I talk to IRL) and learn to be alone in this big overwhelming city.. And just as I have found this sub, hopefully it can bring light into my life that has been full of bad decisions.

My plan is to go into nun-mode for 6 months - 1 year to focus on myself and learning to be alone (even tho I am so anxious on getting close to 30). And when I do start dating - to properly vet. I wish I understood all this when I was 18 years old. I feel that the way girls are brought up today is just sad. How feminism preaches everything that I did wrong. I don't want to play victim, I own all the bad decisions I made.. But I am just in awe of how fucked up society is right now - how everything is backwards. I feel it is going to be so hard to find the right person. I live in such a liberal place. My bad history makes me attracted to extremely manly men and those usually end up being ones that are not good for me. I hope that my time alone will help me be able to be become a better woman, live a fulfilling life, and maybe someday even build a family.