Q4W: when does being too nice to your partner become a turn off?

iostefini · 2019-03-25T10:59:24+00:00

It becomes unattractive when they're doing those things to BUY love. I think if you're just giving because you enjoy giving, it's fine. It's when you start to give to "even the score" or to make her "owe" you that it becomes unattractive.

For example, if you shout at her, then you think "that was bad, -5 points to me" and so you buy her flowers and give yourself +10 points so you're coming out ahead, and you can even shout at her again now!

Or if you buy her gifts because you want her to think "He bought me those flowers, now I CAN'T say no to that thing he wants"

It's also unattractive if it's all one-sided. For example, if she's not interested, or she doesn't like the gifts but you keep throwing them at her.

What you describe (giving gifts because you love her and want her to be happy) is completely normal and will never lose attractiveness. It sounds really sweet and I'd be so happy to receive those. I guess the only time I'd worry about it is if it's excessive (like if you can't afford it, or if I start to EXPECT you to cover paying for stuff, then I'd probably talk to you about giving me a little less). Buying presents for someone you love is cute, though. Don't stop doing that. I hope she's showing you how much she loves you in return, too (either through gifts or in other ways).

CaptinSuspenders · 2019-03-25T12:27:00+00:00

"Too nice" is an expression of one's sacrificing themselves for the other. This can manifest in many ways, for example, letting someone treat you poorly and not standing up for yourself, even if it's gently. People want to be with a whole person, with boundaries. If you erase your boundaries (read as: what you like and do not like) for the sake of pleasing someone else, there is no you left. Over time people stop loving you, because they don't really know who you are. Doing things for someone else is not at all a sacrifice if you enjoy it.

claireauriga · 2019-03-25T11:24:19+00:00

So it comes down to two parts, for me: the foundation and the action.

The foundation is that your partner is capable (or committed to being capable) of finding happiness in many ways, and is not completely dependent on you for their self-worth and happiness. And you need to strive to be the same. That means that everything you choose to share and do for each other is a choice, not an obligation or an attempt at making yourselves feel like a worthy human being.

The action is that they then do nice things simply because they enjoy seeing you be happy. If they see that you're not getting happiness out of it for whatever reason, they'll stop doing it. If it bothers them to do it, they won't do it. If the foundation is there, it really does become as simple as that.

mjeleon · 2019-03-25T15:22:51+00:00

For reference, I'm female, 27. I don't know where this idea came from that there's such a thing as being too nice! To be clear, all women are different, but everything you're doing sounds amazing to me. Here's the thing: You have to remember that TRP ideology really only applies to a specific kind of woman. Someone who is shallow and superficial, who is seeking for an archetype, and thus likely to turn around and hop onto the next guy if the man she's with doesn't fit what she's looking for. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, in a way. To use the "fish in the sea" analogy, imagine there's a shallow pool populated with TRP, and the kind of women they attract. That's still just a small portion of the people out there, in the rest of the "ocean", looking for long term relationships. But if you never leave that shallow pool, then you start to think that that's all there is. So please don't worry about being too "beta". If you're with someone who dismisses you in such a childish way, then she's clearly not mature enough for a long term relationship.

I will echo what someone else said- make sure that the gifts you give are truly for her, and not just because they make you feel good. Have you ever gotten a gift from a close friend or family member that you really didn't like? And then you have to do awkward "present face" and pretend you liked it, because you don't want to hurt their feelings? Sometimes people get so wrapped up in the idea of gift giving that they forget about the person they're giving a gift to, and what that person really wants. That's where open communication is a big help. I know my boyfriend generally doesn't like gifts, because he feels concerned that he isn't reciprocating enough. But he absolutely loves his dog, and is over the moon if I gift him anything for her- dog treats, new toys, new brushes... to this day, one of the best gifts I ever gave him was a grooming kit for her! It's all about knowing the person, and knowing what they'll appreciate. And if you're ever unsure, ask! It's better to ask extra questions and get someone something they really want, as opposed to showering them with things they don't- that's when they may start to wonder if you're trying to buy their love.

On another note- have you ever heard of love languages? It's the idea that people express affection in different ways. Specifically by words of affirmation (like saying "I love you, I care about you, you're important to me, etc"), acts of service (doing something for someone, like cleaning the house, taking out the trash, driving them to an errand, etc), gift giving, quality time (giving someone your undivided attention), and physical touch. Most people gravitate more strongly to one or two love languages. It's important to recognize where you and your significant other fall to avoid any misunderstandings. A married couple, friends of my parents, had very different love languages. She was more about acts of service, and he was more about words of affirmation. He was frustrated because she wasn't expressing her affection in the same way, and so he thought she didn't love him. He ended up leaving her, and absolutely broke her heart. In reality she did love him, loved him a lot, she just expressed it in a different way. I'm 100% a gift giver, although I also do words of affirmation and acts of service. My boyfriend is 100% acts of service, and I think maybe quality time. Because of his background, words of affirmation are difficult for him. But he does so many things for me, getting me dinner, cleaning the house, going to events he doesn't particularly like just to keep me company, etc. And in doing those things, I see how much he cares for me. Above all, my favorite thing about our relationship is how well we talk to each other. We stress communication above all else, and even when we disagree on something, we're always able to talk it out. I'd say communication is the number one key to any long term relationship, hands down.

In any case, it sounds like the two of you are really happy together! Hope some of this helps make things even better. Wishing you the best :)

Jalakee · 2019-03-25T13:22:07+00:00

You remind me of a friend of mine. He was always the uber-alpha dickhead (think steroids, tattoos, lots of money, arrogance) and did get laid quite frequently. He had short-term relationships but they were awful. About once a year he would meet a girl he fell totally head over heels for---always someone he described as a 10. Became an absolute softie---buying her jewelry, paying for vacations, saying 'I love you' within a few months, etc. Several times it blew up in his face---and I think it's because he was so over the moon for them (mainly based on looks) that he would revert to all this "beta" behavior for fear of losing them. Of course this was a huge turn off to the girls, and he knew it on some level.

Anyways, he's now with a girl who treats him really well. He still does all the softie stuff like pillow talk and spoiling her with money, but he's a bit more balanced because he doesnt have this fear of her running off at any moment. And she brings some stability to his life where the other girls were really bad choices on several levels.

Point is, my buddy is a softie. That's just who he is. The over-the-top alpha behavior in the past was his way of compensating for his fear of being abandoned. I think being "nice" is fine if that's who you are, your girl genuinely respects you, and you arent trying to buy her loyalty.

Title	Q4W: when does being too nice to your partner become a turn off?
Author	Bulk_king11
Upvotes	10
Comments	11
Date	March 25, 2019 10:14 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/b58t3q/q4w_when_does_being_too_nice_to_your_partner/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/q4w-when-does-being-too-nice-to-your-partner.299830 https://theredarchive.com/post/299830

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