Soft next and hard next concept

Deep_Strength · 2018-11-19T18:33:36+00:00

There's no "nexting" your wife.

The main thing to know here:

You should have chosen a wife who is a good helper and follower, who you wouldn't even think about having to next
The most important thing is your mission for God. Make sure you don't put her on a pedestal and as the most important thing in your life.
Placating her feelings is a bad idea. Comfort her sure. But you cannot "fix" emotions as they are fleeting, so don't even try.

GC0W30 · 2018-11-19T07:32:29+00:00

Those concepts are unmarried RP guy concepts.

That framework doesn't apply to married, monogamous guys like you see in this sub.

I guess you might hard next a wife who was literally trying to kill you or the kids, but that would be as close as it would get.

redwall92 · 2018-11-19T13:35:39+00:00

It's in the side-bar dude.

Time and attention. If she wants it, great. If she doesn't want it, oh well. You've still got your time and attention to spend somewhere. How do you want to spend it?

Red-Curious · 2018-11-20T16:30:14+00:00

This has already been said (/u/Deep_Strength /u/OsmiumZulu and /u/rocknrollchuck all gave great answers), but it was framed as an alternative, not a continuation of the same spectrum. So let me clarify.

For single guys, the concept of nexting is a statement of how you'll spend your time. If a girl isn't, to you, worth the time you're investing in her, then you next her as a way of freeing up your time for something more valuable.

A soft next is when you stop initiating with her because you have better things to do, but if she's going to initiate with you, you're leaving that door open because a person or thing has greater value to you when you can reap that value with less effort. So, if she's going to be the one putting in all the effort to get your time and attention, her value rises, but you're perfectly fine walking away from putting in your own effort and spending your time and effort elsewhere instead.

A hard next is when you are confident that the value she adds to your life is so low (maybe even in the negatives) that even if she were to try to initiate with you, you're still better off spending your time and energy elsewhere.

In marriage, we're doing the same thing. A hard next is either divorce or legal separation. This is where you have some certainty that this person will no longer be able to contribute value to your life, even if you didn't have to put in any effort toward the relationship anymore. You simply want out. Biblically, I believe actual divorce is always sin, but that it's a preferable sin if remaining married would otherwise cause worse sin (i.e. the whole "because of the hardness of your heart" thing).

Soft nexting is simply focusing on the next thing in your life that isn't your wife because the effort you spend on your wife isn't justifying the value you reap for that effort. While singles may think that "next" refers to "next girl," I prefer to think of it as "next priority" on the list of things that matter to you. That's all.

From there, it's your responsibility to discern the balance of value and effort you want to maintain in your relationship. I always assess that value in terms of my mission. It's one thing to assess value based on my feelings, in which case I would run my marriage very differently. But my feelings are fickle anyway, and as a Christian I have more important things to do in life than make sure I'm feeling happy in my marriage all the time. So, instead of asking how my wife is adding value to me, I ask how she's adding value to my mission - because my mission is more important to me than my emotions. If the effort I invest in her is not adding any value to that mission, then I focus on my mission without her. If she's ready to join in and reduce the amount of effort I have to spend to get the same value as before - or even better: that she increases her value-add to my mission, even if I have to return to the previous level of effort - then I no longer have to focus on the (soft) "next priority" on my list because I have another means of accomplishing my purpose.

And to be clear, let me refrain the two scenarios for when a wife is behaving poorly that should cause a man to re-engage:

She requires less effort to get the same value
She requires the same/more effort, but gives appropriately greater value

Between the two of these, I would preference the second one every time. The first is reducing the profitability of your joint interactions and puts you in placation mode with one another. In essence, she's still not any more on board with your mission than she was before, but she's accepting the fact that your mission is more important than she is, so she readjusts her expectations of you to account for that. She's less interested in following you than in doing the minimum necessary to get what she wants from you.

The second, while requiring more effort from you, is the situation where she actually increases her engagement in your mission. This can increase the bond between the two of you, thereby increasing sexuality as you are more and more on the same page with pursuing the same goal - and it also reorients her mindset in following you.

TheBunk_TB · 2018-11-21T16:35:10+00:00

Dont reward bad behaviors. Keep your man time. Without whining, tell her when something is wrong but pick/choose your battles

Title	Soft next and hard next concept
Author	ainihon
Upvotes	3
Comments	11
Date	November 19, 2018 7:03 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/9yegef/soft_next_and_hard_next_concept/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/soft-next-and-hard-next-concept.301615 https://theredarchive.com/post/301615