Intro + question

OsmiumZulu · 2018-11-01T15:25:57+00:00

If it’s not a “Hell yeah!” It’s a “No.”

john_of_peaches · 2018-11-01T13:41:25+00:00

In my experience, attraction is not only "there", it's also generated. And that's mostly lead by the guy flirting/teasing/some touch to express his attraction. That creates desire in the girl, and she responds with touch/admiration/respect, which creates desire in the guy.

As you continue dating attempt to create attraction. And add a little touch to the teasing. That' show you lead as a man IMO.

bad--apple · 2018-11-01T15:11:31+00:00

Lifting: don't do to a persistent shoulder injury (I’m planning to schedule at PT appt. to work on that)

What an excuse. So you can't do certain compound lifts that deal with your one shoulder. What about your other shoulder? What about isolation exercises for your arms? Back? Legs? Core? Are you seriously letting one part of your body act as an excuse not to train up the rest of your body?

I’m planning to schedule at PT appt. to work on that

Planning? When? A phone call to set up an appointment takes less than five minutes. Why do you have to plan for a five minute phone call? Just do it right now.

How do I lead as a man

You can't lead others if you won't properly lead yourself.

As far as the rest of it goes- why are you thinking about this so much? If you're going about it in a lackluster way, what are you giving her to respond to? Nothing.

As /u/john_of_peaches said, attraction is generated. That said, if you have been building your life, creating something, being masculine, lifting, being a devoted disciple of Christ then you would be constantly generating attraction. So should she. If the attraction isn't there now, then it's probably not going to suddenly spring forth after a couple more dates.

Red-Curious · 2018-11-01T19:25:38+00:00

Welcome! I'm short on time, so I'm just going to be a bit blunt here.

Lifting: don't do to a persistent shoulder injury

I've only ever met one guy with an injury that actually prevented lifting. He was working for a moving company and got his arm ripped off while moving a piano down some stairs. It was sewn back on, but he could never lift with that arm again.

For everyone else, it's not a matter of "I can't lift." It's a matter of "I can't lift heavy weights." So, lift low weights and do endurance sets rather than heavy, short sets. You won't gain much strength, but your muscles can still balloon up from that. In fact, that's usually a preferred method for gaining the appearance of strength - the big, bulky frame.

developing my mission my top priority

Cool. Where are you at with that? I can't really help you with much else until you have this solidified in place. Why? Because until you have that mission down pat, you don't know what you're looking for in a helper and she doesn't know what she's signing up for. As such, the foundation of your marriage is purely worldly standards of what to look for in a prospective spouse and not godly standards of what will be effective at accomplishing your or His purposes.

I'm trying to figure out if I'm attracted to.

You're not. At least not yet.

we both seem half-committed

You mean not-committed. Yet. "Half-committed" isn't an actual thing. It's really, "I'm not committed, but I might be willing to commit someday, if some things change."

I know attraction can sometimes take time to develop

Right, but not usually. The longer it takes to develop, the greater the risk that it will (1) not ever fully develop, or (2) revert back to lower levels quite quickly because those lower levels were the foundation in the first place.

axiom that desire cannot be negotiated

Correct. But it can be manufactured. This happens when a guy or gal improves themselves to a degree that they become attractive, whereas they were not before.

I was honest with her

Correction: "I felt compelled to blab my feelings to her."

and texted her

"Because I was too chicken to call her or discuss it in person and it's easier to do these types of things when I can take my time crafting the perfect wording."

saying this in-between state is confusing and frustrating

Translation: "I want someone to make a decision about our relationship, but I'm too scared to be the one to make that decision, so I'm going to put my feelings under your control and let you decide what to do with them."

so we are meeting tomorrow to discuss how to move forward

"Because I don't know how to lead and I need her to tell me what to do."

I don't want to reject a gift of a Godly relationship

Who says this is a gift? A gift from who? If it's from God, you'd better take it. Period. If it's not from God, I'd send it back. How do you know if it's from God or not? You don't. So, the whole frame of thinking is somewhat pointless anyway.

What you really mean is: "I don't want to turn down someone who might have a lot of the qualities I'm looking for in a wife." But you haven't really said what those qualities are - and you can't possibly say what those qualities are until you know what your life mission is.

If your life mission is to have as much great sex as humanly possible, then you should be looking for women who are hot nymphos.

If your life mission is to start a fortune 500 company, then you need to find a wife who has no embarrassing qualities that would give you bad media attention, who can make you look good in public, and as an added bonus is very administratively talented, able to help you get that business off the ground.

If your life mission is to make disciples, then you need to find a wife who is godly, FAT (faithful, available, teachable), and preferably who has a knack for making friends and building deep relationships.

So, again, what's your mission?

Any advice on how to approach this situation with the mind and will of Christ?

Figure out what Christ wants your mission to be first. After that, assess whether or not she's presently skilled at the things necessary to fulfill that mission. If she is, assess your attraction. If she isn't, figure out if she's FAT, and if she is, then assess how attracted you are to her. After that, share your mission with her and ask her to start helping you do so, whether you're in a romantic context or not - this phase can be purely platonic. From there, make a decision on the romantic front if you're attracted enough that you keep thinking about having sex with her, and be an attractive guy in turn.

How do I lead as a man

By figuring out where you're going first. Again: you can't rightly enter a relationship if you don't know what your mission is first.

and figure out if I want to take the lead

Yes, you do. Any other answer is a failure of the biblical relational model and even under worldly standards would put you at a severe risk of having a dead bedroom or ending up in divorce.

and end this or pursue it for at least a date or two more to better discern attraction?

Attraction hits on multiple fronts. She's obviously not crazy hot, or else the physical attraction front would already be ringing bells everywhere. The primary other type of attraction that matters is whether or not you're attracted to the way she can help and support you in all that you're trying to do with your life. But you can't assess that until you know your mission.

helaughsinhidden · 2018-11-01T19:55:34+00:00

I'm trying to figure out if I'm attracted to.

You aren't.

I see sometimes when two singles in a small group of christian friends are similar in age and SMV, there is an attraction to be in relationship with someone else in the same group. You both might be the most "eligible" to make a pair, but ask yourself some tough questions.

Are you just picking the low hanging fruit out of convenience?
Are there things about her or being around her that you really like?
Would she add value to your life and be about your mission?
Most importantly, have you earnestly prayed about this?

I'm guessing the answers point to this being a NO as stated above.

.......Then again, it's not often women will show up on a date when they aren't attracted in the first place. You may have her on a pedestal feeling like her SMV is higher than yours. This can lead to you acting with weak leadership to avoid feeling harsh rejection and being embarrassed in your group. If your doing this, it will send her mixed signals and make her feelz fizzle out fast. This is the way I was in middle school. I was such a beta then I still cringe thinking about it.

If she's a dud now, it will never improve. If she's a good woman who has smiled on you, step up your game and it might not be too late to right the ship.

Deep_Strength · 2018-11-01T19:59:37+00:00

I'm not sure how to discern if my standards are unrealistic. I don't want to reject a gift of a Godly relationship, but I also don't want to waste my or her time. Any advice on how to approach this situation with the mind and will of Christ? How do I lead as a man and figure out if I want to take the lead and end this or pursue it for at least a date or two more to better discern attraction?

Most people have covered most stuff, so I'm going to ask some other questions.

What are your standards?
Attraction usually doesn't increase for men that much, since men are visual. Attraction usually increases for women once they get to know a man better.
If you're not excited about it, that's probably a decent indicator that you don't want to be pursuing a relationship. Do you want to marry someone who's half hearted about you? Vice versa?

Title	Intro + question
Author	the_cheesiest
Upvotes	7
Comments	15
Date	November 1, 2018 1:04 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/9t97wy/intro_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/intro-question.301647 https://theredarchive.com/post/301647

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