Ready to get engaged (in light of past PMO)

matrixtospartanatLV · 2018-08-23T23:00:35+00:00

I’ll spare you my marriage rant because of 1 Cor 7:9.

But for the record, IMHO, you are too young and you haven’t dated long enough.

Beyond that, congratulations and I truly pray your RPC marriage works out for you.

I do have a bit of advice.

Your marriage is not the finish line of being single. It is the starting line of being single on hard mode: married.

The day of your wedding is the baseline. Dip below that line and you’re in trouble. Flat line and you will experience a slow retrograde.

Upon YOU is the burden of performance. You must improve, constantly. Not dramatically, or exponentially, but incrementally and steadily, a bit every day.

Every day lift one more pound, perform one more rep. Never stop growing your mind intellectually and spiritually. Do it with intention. There is a Bible app with scores of bible studies and all kinds of cool stuff. Continue to learn new things. Have interests and hobbies.

And LEAD. In every way, spiritually mostly, but financially, physically, emotionally. Be large and in charge. She is the weaker vessel. You are RESPONSIBLE.

You are the Captain of the ship. If your FO goes aground, it’s your fault. If you fall asleep in your sea cabin and get off course, it’s your fault. If the FO hands you the wrong chart and you end up in the wrong place, it’s your fault. If the FO starts a mutiny because you suck as a leader, it’s your fault. If the ship is NOT in shape, it’s your fault.

Marriage is THE TOUGHEST and MOST EXPENSIVE decision you will EVER make. Be sure to get it right the first time. Walk circumspectly.

It’s an exciting time. But after the plans have been made, the dress and tux taken off, the honeymoon is over, and the gifts have been put away, the responsibility falls to YOU to be fun, lead in every way, and create the container of marriage you want your wife to fill.

And you CAN do it. The only question is whether you will, or won’t.

Lastly, be on your spiritual guard. Satan hates you as a Christian and your Christian marriage more than most things. Your marriage represents the relationship Jesus Christ has with the church. Imagine how much glee satan takes in destroying that.

You must remain ever-vigilant. You will be attacked, tempted, and deceived. Pray for wisdom and protection. Take nothing for granted. Being married in a church, going to church, being a church leader, and an upstanding member in the community is not enough. Don’t ask me how I know.

I’m not trying to talk you out of marriage. I’m trying to get you to work towards a successful one.

Stay in touch. RPC is a great resource for you. Use it often.

Congratulations, and may GOD be with you every step of the way.

helaughsinhidden · 2018-08-23T19:51:33+00:00

The only loose end is one friend advises me to get some kind of counseling to make sure I've kicked porn before I get engaged/definitely before marriage.

This sounds unnecessary to do "before" you get married. It's true, you will have temptations. You will get fitness and comfort tests, but if you are reading the sidebar materials and have swallowed the Red Pill, you should pass those better than 85-90% of men out there. Still, you can get married and still get counseling after your wedding if you need it. Do you have a real life mentor?

I get his concern, and partially share it, but I think I've built good habits and defenses so that I'm tempted far less often, view sex as less of a need, and usually make the right move when I am tempted.

You forget that WHEN you do get married you can do something you can't do now. You can have sex! No kidding, just a quickie or pull an all-nighter. Maybe just some head or HJ to tide you over. It's better that taking a piss, I 100% GUARANTEED IT!

Any thoughts on whether I'm in a good position to get engaged/married?

Look, we don't escape sin or temptation until Jesus returns for us and we get our glorified bodies my brother, so don't sit around and wait for him to return before you begin to have a life. Sanctification is a process in which the Holy Spirit convicts you of sin and teaches you of Christ to bring about righteousness in your life. Not a destination that you will reach in this world. It's similar to the flawed think that you need to quit sinning before you come to Jesus.

Honestly u/ben-kenobi-wan, what could you possibly gain by waiting except to second guess your decision in her, risk her doing the same to you, and wasting both of your youth?

My best advice of all:

Jesus says "my sheep know my voice" in John 10. In Luke 11 He says "And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.". I my suggestions is to find a private room or closet and seek Jesus in prayer. Then ask Him to quiet your mind, protect you from any lies of the enemy, and to increase your ability to hear Him. Then bluntly ask the Lord if you should marry this woman. Then stay in that room for as long as it takes for you to release your fears and doubts until you know you have heard from the Lord. For me, it's usually like I have either remembered something that I have never been told or maybe heard a voice that made no noise, but I will have my answer and the peace that comes with knowing. Other people have a dream, a vision, see words in their mind like on a chalkboard, or in rare occasions, hear an actual voice.

Red-Curious · 2018-08-24T03:54:22+00:00

You've already got some great advice here - shout outs to /u/helaughsinhidden, /u/Stryker7200, and /u/matrixtospartanatLV for their write-ups! Here are a few things that roll off the top of my head.

FIRST: Your friend is absolutely right. I can't count the number of guys who had "conquered" porn while dating a girl and then found that after marriage they were neck-deep in it once again. I'm yet another one of those examples. What makes me convinced that his concerns over you are valid are the exact reasons you gave for why you think they're invalid: "I've built good habits and defenses ... Time limit on YouTube, no video games, better diet, better sleep hygiene," etc. These are all human effort things. In other words, you're saying that your will-power is higher than most other men. Good for you. It will fail. Your pride in your will power might not let you fail in the realm of PMO, but the failure will come nonetheless. You're not trusting in Jesus as your cure, you're trusting in yourself ... and I just don't see how that's going to survive when your deep-down blue pill fantasies that I sense still lingering are finally shattered.

To that end, your post has convinced me that you have not conquered your sin; you have merely poured wax in your ears.

TWO

Now, with that aside, are you in a good position to get engaged/married? Well, goodness ... you've known this girl for so long and you're pretty darn convinced that you've vetted her quite thoroughly ... I'm not buying it.

My rationale has nothing to do with your porn problem, though I do usually advise to kick it before getting married (which is not a hard stance - just general wisdom). Instead, I'm more concerned with the hints of blue pill ideologies I'm picking up about your attitude toward marriage in the first place.

Why do you want to marry this woman?
You seem to have only recently started improving your SMV, so are you sure you'll be content with her 10 years from now when you realize you could be pulling much higher quality?
What do you think sex during marriage will be like?
How are you doing at maintaining your physical boundaries in the dating relationship?
What's your internal emotional state like every time you see her?
What has she done already to demonstrate her character for being Faithful, Available, and Teachable? I saw in a comment that you've predominantly been in an LDR using mostly video chat to communicate - how does that meet your standards of a woman making herself available to you?
Are you going to move to where she is or is she going to move to you?
Why are you speaking to her on Facetime so often?

I get the impression you're emotionally impulsive about the relationship and not thinking long-term. I mean, if she's a total knock-out with a biblical mind about her, then don't lose a good thing. But I'm just very nervous for you.

I can't say for sure whether you're ready or not. Even you can't know that. Only God can, and you're going to have to trust that he's sovereign so that (1) he won't let you marry when you're not ready, or (2) if he does, he'll make it work anyway. In the meantime, kick whatever blue is lingering beneath your skull and rib cage. Those are the real red flags I'm seeing.

Stryker7200 · 2018-08-23T19:51:37+00:00

I’ll just say when it comes to porn, your friend is not giving bad advice. When you are dating or engaged it is one of the most powerful motivators you will ever have in your life as far as living correctly goes. After marriage this may change. However, based on your record it does sound as if you are doing very well with it.

One of the best ways to avoid temptation while married is to not spend time alone. Even if you are not doing the same thing together, try to do it with her in the same room/home etc. don’t have a schedule where you are home alone a lot and know you will be.

My only other concern for you in getting married is that it appears you have known your gf for less than 7 months, correct? Or did you know her before dating? And has it been long distance the entire time?

It becomes much easier for a woman to mold herself into something a man may want when they only see each other a couple times a month, at most. I saw my wife 3-4 times a week and in as many settings as possible while we dated and were engaged. I wasn’t much surprised by anything after marrying her. So my reservation for you at this point is if you truly know her or not if you have been dating for less than a year and long distance at that. I would want to have close proximity for some time at least while engaged before marrying.

Deep_Strength · 2018-08-24T07:23:39+00:00

To come at things from a different angle.

So my GF (see linked post) and I have talked, prayed, and counseled with friends and family and we've decided we want to get married. I have no doubts in my mind that we are an excellent fit and that I've done my homework. I've asked for her parents' blessings and plan to propose in a couple weeks.

If you want more specific advice about your situation, can you mention why you think you are a good fit? Do you both have similar missions from God?

Writing things out is a good exercise to see what actually is good or not so good as it makes you think.

Title	Ready to get engaged (in light of past PMO)
Author	ben-kenobi-wan
Upvotes	5
Comments	41
Date	August 23, 2018 7:15 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/99qap1/ready_to_get_engaged_in_light_of_past_pmo/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/ready-to-get-engaged-in-light-of-past-pmo.301775 https://theredarchive.com/post/301775

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