As promised. It’s late. I hope this isn’t as rambling as it sounds. It also details my leaving of the faith and why which is why it is here and not on MRP.

TO get to the good stuff some background on myself. I am a second generation American. My grand parents right off the boat from the old world. I grew up in cultural ghettos. Greeks on that block, Germans over that, Italians there. Today the place is a burned shell full of heroine addicts and sex traffickers. My hackles go up whenever I hear “I was once Alpha”. I don’t think that is the right term. I think it is more appropriate to say that I once understood what being Alpha is. All boys possess Alpah traits but they lack emotions maturity to make it work. Women don’t need emotional maturity in order to pursue their sexual strategy. This supports the idea that Men need to learn how it works and they do this from other men.

The men in my family were all masculine. I could tell stories of that. My grandparents particularly. Very much the ideal of a Red Pill relationship. My father married and moved away. My mother, is a co-dependent selfish closet narcissist. Now that my father has passed its even worse. Doesn’t surprise me that I would marry a woman similar to my mom.

Since I was young my goal was to be a military officer. Don’t know why it just was and I achieved that. I met her in college in my last year of ROTC. For context later, my BA is in Ancient History/Early Christianity. I have a minor in Archeology. I didn’t have many girlfriends in my life, didn’t need them. I had been engaged for a brief time in college, but caught her with another guy and that was that. A year later I met her. She was as Red Pill says. She claimed to have never been with a man, and her family seemed to support this idea, but I am telling you no one can do the things she did without having experience. Sex was on demand and often, and I mean once or twice a day she was after me. It was perfect for a red blooded man.

She was behind me in school so when I went off to active duty she would come out once or twice a month on her money to spend the weekend and holidays. So after a few years I figured she earned the right….married her. Still the first 4 years were ok. Sex was like chore to get out of her but 3 times a week. She tried often to make me go on a schedule. I wouldn’t. Being in the army though I had to give in to 3 times a week…just too tired otherwise. Looking back I should have seen the signs right from the honeymoon.

Left the wedding at 10pm, she alluding that sex was going to be had. Got to our room and spent the next 5 hours telling her how beautiful she looked. Our flight was around 6am or so. I am not joking. We took pictures of her hair. They are in the wedding album. It was a constant validation fest. So we We had arrived at our resort. She spent the next 18 hours sleeping. Digression: she always slept. Like a lot. 8 hours at night then a good 3-4 hour nap during the day. She was army as well so it seemed normal. In college….uhhh yeah. Sleep was at a premium. She made me wait for sex for 2 days on our honeymoon. And when we did she had something always keeping before we would start. The normal story.

Flash forward, our first year anniversary. I was on deployment. We were talking through some chat room message thing at the time and I told her what I had planned for our first. I had booked a 4 day cabin in some historical town where we were stationed. 18 holes of golf at a internationally known golf course (we used to play), dinners at the best places, the cabin was full of chocolate strawberries, wine…..look. No one beats me when it comes to taking care of my girl. I don’t, even then, do it out of a sense of getting something out of it. I enjoy the planning, the execution, displaying what I am capable of. And yes I derive enjoyment out of her surprise. But if it is not appreciated then it’s over. Well…somewhere along the lines I lost that and it morphed into doing it to placate her…but more on that. Back to this. She hated it. Every bit of it. She was pissed primarily because I didn’t clear it with her what I was going to spend.

Here I was in the middle of the desert. I executed a brilliant plan from that far away and I get the “how much did yo spend speech”. This was to become an ongoing theme. So the anniversary was spent with her first sleeping the first 12 hours. Missing the golf game, which I played by myself, and then spending the rest watching TV on the couch with her. The cabin even had a large hot tub in it. Sex was had once and I had to shame her into it.

During the time we spent on active duty we were part of the post church. I even considered joining the Chaplains Corps. I volunteered on base to teach the history of Christianity to the church on post. I did this for a few years. She got tired of that church, had a list of reasons and demanded I man up and find us a better place. Ok….maybe she had something there. So I did. Something more in line with what she was used to, which was more of the Holy Spirit Benny Hill kind of thing. And I hate that I just reminded myself of this. Thing is…once I got ensconced in the leadership there…we moved again. This time she decided there wasn’t a good church any where and maybe we just worship at home. She always claimed she wanted a man to lead the family. She spoke a good game when it came to males and the role they play in the home. But she didn’t accept it. When I tried to lead us in prayer, she would stop me and then proceed to tell me how to do it. What should be done. This for bible study as well. If I picked something out then came the lecture and I didn’t consult her.

Thing is I learned quickly that her idea of leadership was that she had final veto over any decision. This si what lead me to trying to appease her. Not just so I could get her back to where we had started but so that she wasn’t a raging witch all the time. I desired domestic tranquility.

As I look back any gift I had given her still sits in the the box it came in. She never wears anything I bought her, gave her, or even looks at it to this day. Once I had this brilliant idea. I got a box. A decorative box. I told her that it was her box. Whenever the box was out there was a gift in it for her. I used it one time. She opened it gave me the awww thank you, and closed it. That gift and box are now in the basement storage with a thin layer of dust on it.

Her family professes to be extremely faithful. I grew up Catholic, she more nondenominational but leaning more Lutheran. Her mom, whom I believe was a CC Rider in her day, got pregnant in college, married her father. Her dad is an alcoholic, both mom and dad are but the mom only in so far as she HAS to have at least one drink as the definition says. More then one person in the house? It’s a party. Bring out the boxed wine. Any way 10 years forward for them and she divorces him because well….her friends were divorcing. TO this day no one really knows why mom divorced dad. My shrew has 2 sisters and a brother. Her mom then spent a few years riding the CC again. Even leaving the kids home alone to do this. My shrew was the oldest at 10 during the divorce and was the one that took care of things. This dynamic has made her and her mom “Friends” instead of mother daughter. So much so that my shrew still chases her mom looking for motherly approval. She will drop everything if her mom is in town. Me? She can’t even be bothered to wake up from her nap when I come home from work.

Her mom hates men. Not that she doesn’t like men in the biblical sense but she has little good to say of them. While she is 60+ she is attractive for that age group. No grey hair, when she is thinner and decides to dress up she can turn heads, but that would take work and effort. She hates her age and tries to emulate the younger daughter. It’s pathetic really. The father is in no way religious. Yet the mom and rest of the family use religion as a tool of karma more than one of salvation. The younger sister is like her mom. Now with 3 kids from 3 different dads. Married and divorced. The middle daughter is in a 15 year LTR, which actually is working from what I can see. The brother is a train wreck. This is a completely different tale but let me just say he is exactly the omega horror story Red Pill says. He is also why I say and believe that if you are limiting your decisions because of “the kids” or your “marriage” you are doomed for failure. Men must be willing to risk it all in pursuit of their missions. This isn’t to say forsake it all. But risk it.

Back to me.

I got out of the military after a good long while. Mostly for her. Perhaps the greatest regret of my life…and the only one other than getting married. We got pregnant and this is where things got worse. I remember she was 2 months pregnant. WE were living in a very nice apartment talking about when we would start the house hunt. I got up. Got ready for my job, which is a very well paying job, she handed me lunch (which she stopped doing the next day), and as I left she leans out the screen door to the porch and says to me with the most intense hate I have ever seen. “I don’t trust you.” And left it at that. It stuck with me and as I find out was a theme that has played out ever since.

At the time we decided she would hav e SAHM mom. The cost of day care would literally mean she would work for the privilege of working, her income going to pay day care. Seemed like a good idea at the time this would also allow her to see her mom and family when she wanted without me using vacation time or precious weekend time that I needed to do house things. Reality was altogether different.

During the next 10 or so years we had another child. She had always wanted more. Sex was up and down. Schedules were created and abandoned. She was always solidly in control and I doing a lot to get her into that mindset. There were extremely irrational things that went on. For instance I let her buy a house that was an hour commute for me. She seemed to realize this at the time but soon she demanded to know why it took me so long to get home. TO her everything was 20 minutes away. She would call as I sat in traffic and yell because I wasn’t home to take the kids from her. So when we say there is nothing unique here? There isn’t. After working 10 hour days (I got every Friday off for that work schedule) I then had to take care of two kids while she slept until 9pm. Then she would be irrrate if I didn’t spend quality time with her on the couch watching TV until midnight. I was in hell.

To illustrate the contempt she has for me: total up the number of gifts you have been given by your wife or girl. The total number from day one until now. In the 20 years we have been together I have received exactly 2. One of which was the wedding gift. As point of understanding and not pity she doesn’t remember my birthday. Though it shares the same day as one of her sisters, and she remembers that one. For 8 years I have spent my birthday by myself. I may take the day off work and do what I plan, or tell her I have business trip and I will take a 3 day vacation. My kids are now old enough where they ask when is dad’s birthday or where is dad’s Christmas present. As a point of fun I get a large container of selected nuts from her mom. I am allergic to nuts. I am not sure how I am to take that.

Anyhow, It got to the point where I would purposely not come home on time. Stop by a buddy’s house, or spend time at one of my hobby stores. Anything to delay coming back. I got pretty good at it and oddly dove tailed nicely with what MRP layers out as a plan. So when I say I had a head start, or I had instincts I did. I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons nor did I have any goal in mind. I was merely existing during this time. Sex as even worse than starfish. More like zombisih. There were bizarre things here as well. Once when she was….well…doing it manually to me she stopped and asked me about the bills. To her this was getting close. IN fact before sex we had to have an in-depth financial review or a long talk about why I was a complete loser. Any way again even before Red Pill I got up and left went to the gym. I did this often as well. Over time I stopped being to finish at all with her. I had been conditioned by this point to no longer see her as sexual. Hence we had no more kids. To this day she believes I have ED. It’s been 5 years since I have sex with her.

She has no desire to please me in any way. Once she told me during sex that I should accept what she wants to do…..despite the fact it brought me no pleasure. For many years I was denied touching her in certain areas of her body. The reasons changed. Once it was because she was just getting over having kids (for three years?) another time it was because she didn’t trust me, and another ….she just didn’t know.

She will also fact check me. Prior to the internet she would call her dad or brother or even her mom in order to confirm something I said. Like repairing the sink. Call dad. Replacing windows…her brother. Then when the internet became a thing and she got a laptop she will look it up. Even as I talk to her she will, to this day, Google for information to make sure. It’s to the point where I don’t even any more.

During this period we have been to 3 churches. Same pattern as before. I have taught catechism, adult history classes, even give a sermon or two. She is at the current church only because our kids have grown up there and enjoy friends there. Even before my red Pill awakening I could see the church for what it was. It sickened me, but I didn’t have the courage to do what I wanted. When I finally did swallow the pill I left. I haven’t been to services in over 3 years. I haven’t sought any either. I guess you could say I have rejected the church at this point. 2 years ago I started an affair. This relationship has opened my eyes to many things. Including making me fully aware of what it is I deserve.

She stopped being a wife. I stopped being a husband. I accept Red Pill’s assessment that I had/have the relationship I deserve but I have now seen things that make me more realize my situation was more of getting caught by someone who wasn’t worth my time to begin with. Perhaps I did do something early on. My behavior in the middle was certainly blue pill, but while I don’t think I was red nor Alpha I don’t think I was blue at all. I became that way. It doesn’t matter any way. Yet in this context of religious faith I find the hypocrisy palatable. On hand forgiveness and love one another are the hallmarks and yet I was treated with contempt, distrust, and ridicule from someone who was supposed to be the closest to me. She uses everything she knows about me to bring me down. It hasn’t worked in several years but she still tries. I have reasons for staying at the moment but the time is drawing near. My kids see a father who is strong and there for them.

Recently someone told me that my mission was to find and master myself. I guess I can’t disagree with it. I have been a Soldier. A Scholar. A Healer. I am working to be an Artist. I was told that not only have I walked a path that few have not dared, that I have also reflected on this path and I am cognizant of the journey I have walked and have yet to walk.

As you can see my journey is not all that different though the terrain is. While society encourages the worse traits in women I also believe upbringing and her mother have influences as well. Sometimes not. AWALT isn’t exactly a lock but more of a spectrum of behavior. While all women are AWALT, some are more than others.