659,329 posts

Blaming wife

by dll142 | January 24, 2020 | askMRP

14 upvotes

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I've posted now and again on here, so I'll bypass most the stats part, they haven't changed since my most recent posts.

I have a wife that tends to be a blamer by default, and I assume a good amount of you guys on here are in similar situations. Anyway, I used to get wrapped in the insight oriented theory that if I understood why she did it, I could understand her better and be a more effective leader and lead her away from that frame and into a more positive one. This couldn't be further from the truth. It doesn't matter why she does it, the problem is created by the blaming itself. THAT is the problem that needs to be tackled. I found out the hard way that the absolute WORST way to deal with her blaming was DEERing. Technically, all the Defending, Explaining, Excusing, and Rationalizing is ALL a defensive reaction in principle, which infuriates any woman because it's weak and dodges ownership of a problem. Whether her blaming had some truth, a lot of truth, or no basis at all, does not matter. DEERing validates her blaming and accusatory statement in her own little head and reinforces your and her codependent behavior of arguing and debating.

I found that the best way to deal with a blaming wife is to use a tweaked version of fogging. Remember, she blames because she feels like shit about something, and it makes her feel better to absolve herself of those feeling by attributing the cause to someone else, whether you are the cause or not. I would guess that if you have a blaming wife, it is most likely a pattern she repeats with her friends, family, and coworkers.

When I hear a blaming statement from her, I pick something in what she says to be true that I can agree with, then I reframe it, make a statement that reflects that feeling back to her, without making her feel minimized or like she's wrong. Remember, her feelings are her reality and if she feels it, it's real to her in that moment. If she continues to push and blame, I rinse and repeat, then offer to help come up with ways we can work out the problem, once I sense she's open to cooperating with me and being led. If she refuses to cooperate, be led, or wants to walk away, I simply state something along the lines of "ok, if you want to drop it, we will, but if you bring it up again, I will take it as a cue that you want to work with me on making things better." Then walk away and DNGAF. You might think, how does this help. This keeps the interaction and the future interaction in your frame of leading and cooperation, and sets an implied boundary that you won't be drawn into her shitty frame of going round and round arguing, which reinforces her opion that you're a worthless fuck (if you submit to her frame). This also takes the power payoff she gets by controlling the frame, which will curb her shitty behavior. Frame her blaming as an opportunity to help her and positively lead and challenge her COVERTLY. If you love her, then show love by covertly lead her from blaming this way. Remember, love is an action, not a feeling. Live the feeling comes from the action of love.

I'll caution you guys... this is NOT easy and takes CONSISTENT work and strong frame to lead a wife out of a blaming pattern. She will either eventually fall in or jump from the train. The key is that you need to show her you're good with either decision, and that if she jumps, the onus is on her.

Have any of you guys seen similar behavior in your wives, and if so, how do you handle?


Post Information
Title Blaming wife
Author dll142
Upvotes 14
Comments 34
Date 24 January 2020 04:06 PM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/314285
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/etcdao/blaming_wife/
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Comments

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando13 points14 points  (10 children) | Copy

Have any of you guys seen similar behavior in your wives,

Women don't like to take responsibility for bad decisions because it makes them feel bad.

She falls on another guys cock.. it's your fault for not giving her what she wanted.

She leaves the handbrake off the car and it rolls down the hill and crashes.. stupid fucking car, you should never have let her buy it.

etc\

and if so, how do you handle?

That depends - if it's a big issue and only happens occasionaly, you deal with it directly. If she's constantly complaining, it's a symptom of something else. Most likely you're not leading, not making the decisions and leaving those responsibilities to her.

[–]tom-anonymous4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

If she's constantly complaining, it's a symptom of something else. Most likely you're not leading, not making the decisions and leaving those responsibilities to her.

You hit the nail right on the head.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Its the captain with the constantly complaining passenger

You want to stop the blaming / complaining - then Captain up. That way - as Rollo puts it - she's absolved of his failures and shares in his successes .

[–]fannyfire5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

if she’s constantly complaining, it’s a symptom of something else. Most likely you’re not leading...

A year ago I had next to zero financial bearing in our relationship. I had my 401K automatically deduct each week and that was it. I didn’t know the passwords to my own bank accounts, couldn’t even pay the mortgage under my name and a litany of other shit that at this point I’m embarrassed actually happened.

It all started by her occasionally putting in a liner like, “My girlfriends never seem to know how much money is in the bank accounts. They just spend and spend. They don’t even care!” There would be some variation of this during dinner or a phone conversation but she would plug it conveniently enough to where it wasn’t confrontational (women hate confrontation). I didn’t realize it until about three months ago that she was speaking womanese and covertly said, “You lazy faggot. Why am I paying the bills and taking care of the finances? Why can’t I be like the other girls and be carefree?”

Women are going to complain when they’re given a role that is not meant for them. If she’s nagging it’s likely because you’re a lazy faggot. I don’t deserve a pat on the back because I now pay the bills and track expenses. I was already supposed to be doing it.

[–]Techn1ckS2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Tris is very true. In my early MRP days, I took the initiative to refinance the home without her being involved in the process (except some signatures off course) and after the whole thing was done, she did something she never done before - she actually thanked me (in more than one way 😉) for taking the initiative to handle the whole thing by myself.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

I read what she was saying as “You don’t know how much is in the bank accounts SBs you are spending, spending spending. “ your way seems also plausible though. The last part was awesome “If she’s nagging it’s because you are a lazy faggot”. So her nagging is valid? I can see that now. Just have to figure out how to lead out of it instead of responding to the nagging. Two totally different approaches right?

[–]fannyfire2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I’m actually super frugal so fortunately it was just me being lazy. I tend to bring lunch, get coffee a few times per month and always shop on sale so I consider myself to be very low budget. My problem was just not being aware of the finances. Everything was on her shoulders. Her being a woman, that doesn’t sit right with her. They don’t want that responsibility because then if something goes wrong they have to be held accountable and as we all know..:

I don’t think all nagging is valid.

In my case, it was clear that I wasn’t owning my shit. She could see it and I couldn’t. That’s a legitimate complaint. I’d expect the same response if I wasn’t mowing the lawn.

You respond to the nagging with action. I stopped telling her what I was going to do and started doing what I told myself had to be done.

[–]RedPillGlasses0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I will say, she seems to be handling it well.

It’s dumb that’s she’s having to lead you to it, but at least she’s using the carrot instead of the stick.

[–]fannyfire0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It is what it is.

[–]NoCoast820 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Nagging means she still believes you are capable of pulling your head out of your ass.

Not saying you should do that to meet her demands, but if she believes in you then you are probably not a total fuck up.

[–]fannyfire1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think that’s fair.

If someone has let you down for a long time you’re not even going to bother. They’re such a fucking disappointment that asking them is just a waste of air.

[–]fannyfire17 points18 points  (4 children) | Copy

“Well that’s NOT my fault.”

My wife defaults to this a lot. It’s a little amusing now that I’ve picked up on it.

Regardless of whether it’s her fault or not I’ve stopped playing the game. I just use a mix of broken record and divert the subject to something else.

One of my favorite PUA books talks about women and responsibility. It’s a characteristic women don’t tend to have or want to develop. It has to do with women being physically more vulnerable than men. The more responsibility they take on the more at risk they think they are at being physically harmed. That’s why a happy woman is one who makes very little choices.

Since I’ve been getting stronger I’ve been regularly picking up my wife and holding her. The last time I picked her up and held her she said exactly what you’d expect. “I wish you could just carry me around and be my dad. I wouldn’t have to do anything and that would be great.” Happy women behave like little girls. They don’t want to do anything and relish in the thought of having zero responsibility.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

“ That’s why a happy woman is one who makes very little choices”

Bingo.

Where masculine polarity comes into play. You need to be the Dominate man at all times in order for her to let go and be the Submissive.

[–]dll142[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

There is so much truth in this. As my masculinity has grown, I've seen my wife melt... but as soon as I wane, she pounces like a hungry wolf, ready to tear my weak ass apart

[–]fannyfire2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree 100%.

I’ve been working on seriously working on TRP for the last 90 days and it is a considerable jump. My marriage is fresh (4 years) so this new more dominant side of me is being noticed quicker. I still have my moments when I operate in her frame but it’s because I believed in the egalitarian bullshit of not hurting her feelings. I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to give a fuck and that I don’t have to feel bad for not giving a fuck. It’s empowering.

[–]Cam_Winston213 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

This should be the most upvoted comment.

[–]FoxShitNasty836 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

I see it as criticism, and STFU is good first step because it stops you deering. Women want to criticise or blame you make themselves feel better and make you feel lower than them (keep you beaten down). The only way I deal with it other than STFU is agree and amplify. Then fuck off and do awesome shit because you wouldn't give attention to a woman who is being a cunty ol' hag.

[–]fannyfire1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think STFU is the best option when their hamster is in overdrive. If they’re on a tangent the best way to fan the flame is by not acknowledging it to begin with. They’ll burn themselves out, eventually.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

As Fox, said what you describe here is a good first step for someone completely immersed in their LTR’s frame.

Rather than fogging it reads like “foggy deering”. Particularly, the bit where she walks away and you call out the terms of the next exchange. This literally is inviting future bullshit.

I keep getting a version of the same advice from the vets. God bless the patience of the senior fags around here!

Here it is: What you are describing are tactics, you have built into them, your wish for her improved behavior.

That is the definition of ‘Not Outcome Independence”. It is the path of the married man to Noi Boy.

[–]dll142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're right, I do care way too much. I'll own that weakness and will work at that.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Way too much work. Give less fucks. They are all fucking like that. Sounds like a woman who is bored and has no tingles tm.

Why are you still walking on egg shells around her. No way to live.

If you aren’t gaming her the minute you wake up- she loses attraction for you and you get what you have here- shitty behavior.

[–]dll142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're right. That's why her shitty behavior comes and goes. She'll do this (probably to test), and when I hold frame and don't fag out, she becomes submissive and fucks like my dirty little girl should.

[–]Vegasman200020 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Mostly agree- men new to MRP should start with STFU and then fogging, while learning to AA and then eventually AM. That is how I see the progression and what I am doing. Fogging works great IMO in most situations but have to avoid DEERing after a fog

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, fogging is a double edged sword. Start small and build. Don’t try to be a fogging expert out of the gate. But I think you’re mostly right on the progression

[–]dll142[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You're right. It takes time and consistency to be a solid and valuable man. It's like the 10,000 hour rule to become an expert. Takes time and doing it every day.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That’s all true... but my point was more along the lines of being careful with “techniques” - start very small ... eventually, it just becomes natural, so it’s no longer a “technique.” That’s my experience

[–]-TheFalcon-0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I suggest watching Donovan Sharpe latest episode and in there he fully describes blame shifting. Very insightful. https://youtu.be/YyPBgKX3CeQ

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m not a fan of listening to some other guy’s opinions on RP when we have a sidebar and forum to learn from your own perspective. This guy sounded a bit purple to me

I compare it to super religious people who never read the Bible and take everything a pastor says as truth (not that I’m religious)

[–]dll142[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. I follow Donovan and think he's great.... I'll check it out

[–]AlohaMaui8080 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Congratulations, you're a fat faggot who has finally discovered fogging!

Maybe if you posted in OYS every week instead of askMRP once every few months, you'd be getting somewhere at a reasonable pace. No wonder your wife is bored and complaining.

But that would require dedicated effort and actually losing weight and lifting. It would also require some tough deep mental work - yikes, no thanks, amiright?

Nah. Gotta protect that precious ego from the big bad internet guys, cuz they're going to tell you just how much you suck.

[–]dll142[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Lol. We all suck if we don't work not to suck each and every day. Women are like a hungry wolf looking to devour the weak and sick. They can smell the beta bitch and pounce on it. Back to work.

[–]AlohaMaui8080 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wrong faggot. Women want YOU to be the hungry wolf who is always looking to devour his next dragon.

They simply poke at you to make sure you're still that wolf - sometimes just with their finger, but if you've been hibernating too long sometimes they poke you with a spear instead, or just go find a wolf who isn't a fat lazy entitled faggot.

You need to check your ego and stop hamstering that this has much of anything to do with your wife - this has everything to do with you and your lack of real leadership, mission, and self care (which includes shit lifts and being over 20% BF)



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