I've posted now and again on here, so I'll bypass most the stats part, they haven't changed since my most recent posts.
I have a wife that tends to be a blamer by default, and I assume a good amount of you guys on here are in similar situations. Anyway, I used to get wrapped in the insight oriented theory that if I understood why she did it, I could understand her better and be a more effective leader and lead her away from that frame and into a more positive one. This couldn't be further from the truth. It doesn't matter why she does it, the problem is created by the blaming itself. THAT is the problem that needs to be tackled. I found out the hard way that the absolute WORST way to deal with her blaming was DEERing. Technically, all the Defending, Explaining, Excusing, and Rationalizing is ALL a defensive reaction in principle, which infuriates any woman because it's weak and dodges ownership of a problem. Whether her blaming had some truth, a lot of truth, or no basis at all, does not matter. DEERing validates her blaming and accusatory statement in her own little head and reinforces your and her codependent behavior of arguing and debating.
I found that the best way to deal with a blaming wife is to use a tweaked version of fogging. Remember, she blames because she feels like shit about something, and it makes her feel better to absolve herself of those feeling by attributing the cause to someone else, whether you are the cause or not. I would guess that if you have a blaming wife, it is most likely a pattern she repeats with her friends, family, and coworkers.
When I hear a blaming statement from her, I pick something in what she says to be true that I can agree with, then I reframe it, make a statement that reflects that feeling back to her, without making her feel minimized or like she's wrong. Remember, her feelings are her reality and if she feels it, it's real to her in that moment. If she continues to push and blame, I rinse and repeat, then offer to help come up with ways we can work out the problem, once I sense she's open to cooperating with me and being led. If she refuses to cooperate, be led, or wants to walk away, I simply state something along the lines of "ok, if you want to drop it, we will, but if you bring it up again, I will take it as a cue that you want to work with me on making things better." Then walk away and DNGAF. You might think, how does this help. This keeps the interaction and the future interaction in your frame of leading and cooperation, and sets an implied boundary that you won't be drawn into her shitty frame of going round and round arguing, which reinforces her opion that you're a worthless fuck (if you submit to her frame). This also takes the power payoff she gets by controlling the frame, which will curb her shitty behavior. Frame her blaming as an opportunity to help her and positively lead and challenge her COVERTLY. If you love her, then show love by covertly lead her from blaming this way. Remember, love is an action, not a feeling. Live the feeling comes from the action of love.
I'll caution you guys... this is NOT easy and takes CONSISTENT work and strong frame to lead a wife out of a blaming pattern. She will either eventually fall in or jump from the train. The key is that you need to show her you're good with either decision, and that if she jumps, the onus is on her.
Have any of you guys seen similar behavior in your wives, and if so, how do you handle?