So I made a goal last new years of being more positive and it helped, but it's no cure. Because faking it can't last forever. I really thought getting off porn would save me from this dreaded emotion. I should be over the moon that lust no longer controls me. Yet I was/am still depressed and even got angry with God for this. Actually I was boiling with dark toxic mind blinding rage that had me ready to cruse him out. It was like this for days and overflowed into thinking the very worst of God. It would have resulted in spoken blasphemy if I didn't resist the burning temptation of speaking against God.

A night then came where I loved this rage because it felt better than the depression I was experiencing and sadly that wasn't a new temptation for me. That night temptation for telling God the worst my mind could think of nearly consumed me. Then I remembered how awful staying this angry was in my past and fell on the floor crying to be forgiven. I did my best to repent of this foolish anger, but I surely crossed a thick line with the amount of rage toward God I had.

Really I wasn't sure about posting this here since I no longer plan on attempting marriage in the future due to totally lacking sex drive this whole month. That and depression among Christians often brings up conflict about if a consistently depressed True/real Christian can happen or not with many saying it means they were never saved. I've been diagnosed with depression a number of times in my life from childhood to adulthood, but never really believed it as I thought it could be fixed if some part of my life improved. That gave me the hope to deal with it, but now I just don't know anymore.