Ive been struggling to commit to bettering myself for a while now. The biggest hurdle is getting over this huge dissonance that i have. My experience doesn't align with the general outcome of that situation.

For example, whenever i bring my friend Tim around other friends, they become connected instantly. Some type of social exchanged, and they make plans to chill at a later date. In one instance, i gave Tim a connection for the business were both in, which actually ended up poorly for my buddy Tim. However, my connection still gave a referral to Tim, something he had never done to me.

When Tim brings me around his friends, we click and vibe immediately. They compliment that im funny as hell, chill, and we have an all around good time. But its not the same. They never reach out. They never ask for any of my information, or anything at all now, that i think about it. If i never see them again, thats it. Ive met so many people, made so many good impressions and yet people forget me or never attempt to establish a deeper relationship.

The thing that im probably best at is drawing. I drew something commissioned by my mom and she hung it up, for it to fall in its frame, and now its been 6 months since its been up again. She really wanted me to finish it and now its in a closet. I offered to draw my swim coach's late father, to which he said the offer brought him goosebumps and that he'll send a picture right away. Never did. And ceases to invite me to the water polo. He even bought one of my pieces back in HS.

My point is, without attempting to force it, my best foot forward is forgettable. It doesnt pierce thru to anyones attention. I just exist to be mediocre in a SEEMINGLY high achievers body. Im saving money right now, working in a job i hate, smoking everyday while on the cusp of my best body ever and i cant convince myself the effort is worth it. I dont care what anyone says, a bit of almost everything we do as humans is so the world can recognize and verify our feelings about ourselves. I feel AWESOME about myself, but the world doesnt. I cant make true connections that reflect in the real world. Im never in anyones social media, that person when picking up the phone is never with me. I call people out but it just pushes them away slowly.

I see time and time again how relationships naturally come about, and thats never the case with me. Its extremely frustrating so i just smoke all day. ive been able to add 20k plus to my net worth in the past year but weed does drain it from being quite a bit more. Nothing truly, genuinely, seems worth it. I have so much fucking value but the world doesnt agree. In my mind at this moment, im trying to disprove myself before you guys try to because thats my life. Its my defense mechanism. Instead of reinforcing my achievements, people downplay them or try to frame me as a liar.

I genuinely dont know what to do.

Anytime a productive thought pops into my head, i automatically discard it. It truly doesnt feel worth it in the long run.