Today evening I got hit by a huge realization. I'm soon to be 25 and some girls of my age are getting married(India - AF/BB still happens, but guys are still naive). That led to me wondering if my ex will get married or not soon. After that I figured that I was still angry with her. Sure, she treated me like shit, but as IM says, the girl ultimately is a reflection of you, so no excuses. As well, the opposite of love is indifference, not hate, so somewhere she still is present in my mind.

Ultimately, I got depressed thinking about how women are not what popular culture has made them out to be(especially in my country ). I write this without anger, but when compared to a man - they're almost literally nothing. They are not the prize, how could they be? The hottest chick with the biggest tits and the best ass and the most beautiful face I'll ever see is only marginally a better prize than any other average or ugly girl, given their true nature and AWALT and all of the other defects they come with. The contrast between their true faces and the one we're taught to see only makes the realization worse. Raised like princesses but possessing no real value.

Unable to care for themselves, selfish, short sighted, looking only to satisfy their base desires through manipulation and subterfuge and concealment. Childish, petulant, unable to inspire. Always weaken their man, never strengthen, test for weakness and then discard, unable to understand themselves or their motivations. Always looking to just enjoy and wallow in whatever luxury their looks/machinations can get them, and gather resources. No morality, no honor, only hamstering and petty shaming.

All of this boiled my blood earlier, but really, what got me down was the fact that I've wasted so much of my life chasing something that never lasts(I know the glass is already broken). More importantly, chasing something that has no fucking value. What's even worse is that my conditioning will take a lot more effort to undo completely.

I'm working towards raising my SMV, trying to inculcate self discipline and lifting, quitting my addictions.. but I'm fed up of this stupid Disney fantasy force fed to us from the beginning. The world is a cruel place, a harsh place, and I wish I was told earlier that I have to work for everything I hope to get. Instead I realize this at 25, after a shitty childhood, surrounded by people with victim mentalities, encouraged to wallow in mediocrity and call it a life well lived when I'm old. Again, no excuses. Life IS unfair, I know. But I was a lost boy, still am for the most part, and in a perverse way I can almost appreciate the suffering and trauma I've endured. I'm still only halfway through IM's archives, but I wish I had read it when I was a boy.

After feeling like shit for a long time, I went and re-read the stages of TRP. Someday I truly hope I can move on and accept that women are just the agents of their own biology, as am I. But the glass is already broken and after so many years of being a bluepiller, for now I cannot lift my mood. I hope sometime in the future I can replace this Disney bullshit with a true version of reality, engage with it as a true man, and shape it and get what I want and help others in the process.