Had a bang buddy for a few weeks, cut it off a couple of months ago as she was getting too emotionally involved and had started bringing in some 'relationshipy' shit into the equation. No thanks, see ya later.

Always used protection, I didn't know her history and she didn't know mine, neither of us asked as it wasn't really a 'let's sit and chat' thing, just always a booty call from her, and I didn't say no. Kinda odd, as I'm pretty average in the sack - don't really put in any effort any more, just do my thing then ask her to leave. I consider myself a monk as I never seek out the company of women, but sometimes the opportunity of a little 'no-strings' pops up and I'll feel like indulging.

A few hours ago, I get the text. Nope, not even gonna read. Half a dozen more texts over the next twenty minutes. And people wonder why I'm MGTOW. Then a couple of calls. Nope. Half an hour later, banging on the door. Oh here we fucking go. Open the door, my ego expecting some begging for another round and me just closing the door. But no, the moment I turn the handle she busts through with a fucking friend in tow and sits down. She's been crying, and her friend looks like she's been sucking fire and brimstone shitcicles her entire life and just glares at me.

Please don't ask for a threesome. I don't want to fuck one of you, let alone the hellbeast you've dragged in with you.

It's the friend that speaks first. 'Right, you need to step the fuck up now mate. She's pregnant, she's keeping it and you're going to be a stand up guy'.

I look at her and say 'Well, congratulations, I guess. Who's the lucky fella?'

Bang buddy gets off couch, walks over and slaps shit of me. Spins me 90 degrees. Wasn't expecting that. Stay silent for a second, and I said I thought I was being polite and positive. And I was genuinely curious who the dad was, cos my vasectomy from a decade ago was curious as fuck too.

People often talk about awkward silences. But let me tell you, there are moments of glorious silence too, and this one seemed to drag out just a little too long as the wheels and cogs started to turn for them. They got up and left, with the hellbeast turning baying something about her getting tests done and this is not the end of this.

But somehow, I don't think I'm gonna have to worry about seeing their mugs at my door again.

Was actually stressful and adrenaline fuelled at the time - didn't want the conflict I expected, but I hate violence and copping one shook me a fair bit, but now they've left and I've chatted to a couple of friends about it, I can't stop laughing my ass off. Fucking face is sore though, she got me good there. But somehow, I think I got her better. I'll wake up tomorrow with the swelling going down. Hers is only gonna increase for the next seven months.