We have a lot of posts that warn us not to build a man up. There is a difference between 'building' someone and mutual support in a relationship that is described here.

We have many reasons to advice against being Bob the Builder. Most of them are obvious, like:

- Playing Bob the Builder is sisyphus work and exhausting.

- It costs you money.

- It costs you your lifetime.

- You miss out on precious job opportunities that would enhance your life and finances.

- You loose friends.

- It costs you your happiness because it's frustrating AF to move somebody, who won't move on their own.

On this post I elaborate what it would look like, if Bob the Builder does the impossible - what it looks like when you actually succeed in turning this ruin into your cosy home. So you don't have to find out first hand.

Signs that indicate you are Bob the Builder:

You know he isn't perfect. He never was to begin with. But that's OK for you ...

(Feel free to tick multiple boxes and add a few. The list never ends.)

[] because you don't judge. You are cool and empathic at the same time.

[] because you are not a shallow, stuck up bitch. You are not like the other girls. You are special.

[] because he doesn't have as much experience in life as you have, yet. You can be his aspiring mentor! A wise lady that he looks up to. A witty fox that gives him advice. A muse who inspires him.

[] because your presence lifts him up. You bring joy into other peoples lifes. You are full of energy!

[] because he is troubled. His parents/ex/work/colleagues/clients/friends/neighbors/therapist/health/life/the economy/the system screwed him over. Now he is down and you completely understand that. He needs a helping hand. Regularly.

[] because you can HeLp him. He just needs a little push in the right direction. Or like 73410839 pushes. You have been in a similar place before where you wished someone helped you back then. Now is your chance to be that person for someone else.

[] because who is perfect to begin with? You also had to learn. So you give him some time to figure things out. Surely he wants to learn like you.

[] because you can show him that he would look sooooo much better with a different haircut/a more flattering clothing style.

[] because he just never learned to shower regularly. Nobody told this poor man about the significance of basic hygiene!

[] because he is lost in life and he needs a strong lead.

[] because he is a victim of porn culture and just can't stop watching porn. Even if he knows that it ruins your sex life.

[] because as a good member of your religion it is your duty to guide him towards the right path.

[] because your mother was also there when your father needed help. It's a wife's duty. And as a girlfriend you are basically a wife-in-training.

[] because your parents or ex were not there for you when you needed their help.

[] because he was bullied in school.

[] because he just has - uuhhmmm I mean had - bad luck in life.

[] because it's not his fault he has continue with substance abuse. Drugs turn people into addicts and he is still too weak to take action against it now.

[] because he never had someone teach him how to control his anger issues he got from his past.

[] because you know he would do the same for you.

[] because you already helped him so much and he was always so grateful. Sometimes he even thanked you for your help!

[] because you just have to tell him in his love language how to make you happy. His love language is sex physical touch btw.

[] because both of you didn't learn to properly communicate with each other yet. Efficient communication is difficult and takes time to learn. It's a constant learning process.

[] because he is better than your ex.

[] because his presence in your life isn't that bad. Well, you don't look forward to see him like you did in the beginning of your relationship but that's normal. Love is a hormonal thing.

[] because you feel something when you are with him. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. You still care about him so you still have feelings for him. Everything is fine as long as there are feelings left.

[] because you are nearly there. You are soooo close to success. It would all be for nothing if you stopped now. Sunk cost fallacy in it's whole glory.

[] because ...

[] just because. I'm sure you can think of some reason.

You can change him and make him a better person. You know, you can turn him into a HVM. It just takes some effort.

NO.

Time to take out your makeup remover and clear the layers of clown paint from your face now.

You are making excuses. You are clearly not into him for who he is and that's OK. You are trying to change a person for your own well-being because you think it's a necessity for your happiness. It is not. Your happiness is not actually linked to his level up process. If that's the case, you have a problem. Chances are you are codependent. Which is an open invitation for abusers.

You are not looking for an equal, you are looking for a project.

You are looking for a project because your identity depends on you having someone to build. You vanish in relationships of any kind. It's all about him, about everyone and everything except you. Maybe you subconsciously know what would happen when you finish your project, IF you finish that is.

In the unlikely case you manage to turn this guy into the man of your dreams there will be nothing left. The whole time nobody added any value to your life. You didn't add value to yourself and he sure as hell didn't either.

You won't have any feelings for your current man, even though he now is what you wanted all the time. Now there is nothing left but void.

He may be your perfect HVM now. A good looking, sweet and healthy man with a descent income ready to offer you the world and give you whatever your heart desires but you won't want it. You won't be able to love the man that you build. At best you will feel resentment, self hatred and grief over all the resources which got forever lost in the process.

You fell in love with potential and now both are gone.

Bob the Builder is afraid to finish the work.

That is why a man constantly has to add value to his own life. Also to yours, of course. But at first he has to care about his own. Either he is the person you desire or he is not. If he isn't, don't waste a single thought on improving him.

You can't win this game.

A HVM is already complete when he enters the life of a HVW. A HVM wouldn't even want a HVW to build him. It defeats the definition of a HVM. A HVM doesn't want a Bob the Builder type of woman.A HVW isn't attracted to a Bob the Builder type of man either.

If you recognized yourself in this post please do yourself a favor:

Date yourself. Don't date anyone else until you learn to love yourself. Seek professional help when you notice that your focus in life becomes about another person. Go to therapy. Give yourself a much time as needed. Be kind to yourself. Only accept other people in your life if you can maintain focus on yourself.

And again, don't date until then.

You are the protagonist of your life and you should always act like one.

That's what a HVW does and that's also what a HVM is attracted to.